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DH's depression-disordered thoughts have floored me

(3 Posts)
SurroundedByBoxes Wed 24-Jun-15 19:01:35

I never saw myself posting here. Have namechanged as this post will make it very easy for people who know me to identify me and I don't want it linked to other stuff of mine.

DH and I have been together 6 years, married for 5 of those. We have a DD who is 4. DH is a good bit younger than me so was in his 20s when DD was born; I was in my 30s. DH has been really unwell in an awful, serious depression but is coming out the the other side of it. We both have mental health conditions but I'm pretty stable with mine at present. Don't know how long that'll last...

Recently Dh has been acting like a bit of a dick. I've put it down to him readjusting after the depression. He's not back to himself yet after the depression - something our friends agree on. Anyway, he's been behaving selfishly and closed himself off from me a bit. Said he needed to stand on his own feet again. Then he just got downright inconsiderate and I called him out on it. That's when he dropped a bombshell.

Last night he told me that he is deeply unhappy because he feels trapped. We had our DD within a year of meeting. It meant a lot of sacrifices for both of us but he loves her, I have no doubt of that. We were (and he says he still is) very much in love. I've never doubted that until now. I always thought we were rock solid.

Anyway, the bit that left me reeling is that he says the night DD was conceived he didn't want it to happen. He's essentially blaming me for getting pregnant. He says "I said no that night - I wanted to get a condom and you wouldn't let me. I didn't feel I could refuse." Apparently this is the source of his resentment. It all boils down to this. So he makes me sound like a rapist. Seems to forget it was his fucking sperm. Seems to forget we later on occasion talked about it being pretty damn good sex that night. It was the first time we'd had sex after my miscarriage, a month before, when I lost my first pregnancy. It was hugely emotional and, in a weird way, healing. But now in his head he wasn't even consenting. As for not "letting" him get a condom, in my recollection we just got carried away and I probably said something like "who cares?". Post-miscarriage, in a hormonal, emotional mess... This is breaking my heart.

I KNOW he's not himself. I'm not going to argue with his illness. I'm happy to argue with him when he's well again, though. I don't think he has any idea of how this hurts me. We're supposed to be moving across the country in a month's time - something he wanted more than me. Now he's unsure he even wants to move with me and DD.

I'm sorry, I'm mostly venting. I can handle most things - I cared for him when he was at his lowest. I know this isn't him. I have the same illness and I've done this kind of thing in my life the past: wrecked people's happiness when I wasn't even in control of my own mind.

I've asked him to see the GP about anti-depressants (he's on mood stabilisers so it might not be possible to try ADs, it's risky). We've also decided to go to couple's counselling and are trying to find a therapist. I can get through this, but only if he gets his head round this ridiculous fucking hurtful fixation that I somehow "forced" him to get me pregnant. He lashing out at me because he feels he's missed out on his 20s. I can understand he feels he's missed out. What I can't understand is why I have to shoulder the blame for it. It's the illness talking. DH when he's well would acknowledge these feelings but never appoint blame - because there shouldn't be any.

Long. Sorry. This only happened yesterday. Still processing it all. Today he says he does want to move with DD and me, and that he loves us both and wants to makes things better but that he can't stop feeling resentful about how his life is. Yesterday I thought we could weather anything because we have weathered so much already. Now I just want my best friend back.

27inmyhead Wed 24-Jun-15 19:38:22

I had a depressed exh who resented his life with children and effectively opted out of family life before leaving two years later.

He also rewrote history with his own version of events and claimed he had never wanted children. (Not true.)

I don't know what to advise apart from telling you I wish I had ended things more finally much sooner as we papered over the cracks for a long time.

Depression does distort things for a person and I suppose you have to decide if you can support him if he has feelings like this towards you and your child.

I would also not move at the moment, especially if it's not what you really want.

SurroundedByBoxes Wed 24-Jun-15 22:37:11

Thank you for replying. Yes, I don't know how everything can continue if he's always going to be blaming me for his unhappiness. Right now I'm in bits. We have to move - we've signed a lease and paid a deposit. It was supposed to be a happy thing, moving on into a new chapter after his illness. Now it just feels tainted.

I thought I was all cried out but I still keep crying.

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