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Dad wont stop drinking. In debt. Owes me money.

(43 Posts)
Loo5125 Wed 24-Jun-15 16:44:09

My dad owes me nearly 1k that I have lent him over the months to help out with bills. He works full time on NMW. There is just me and my dad at home - older brothers all moved out. My mum died when i was a teen. I am mid 20's.

He drinks beer every single night. I kick off because he doesn't seem to grasp that stopping drinking will save money. Doesn't understand that he shouldn't drink when he owes money out. He lives in his overdraft.

He says I need to stop telling him to live his life, that he is 60 years old and can do what he wants. I have told him i don't care if he drinks, he can drink every night if he wants, so long as he can afford it which he can't.

We argue all the time. He isn't like this with my brothers. I am skint now until i get paid because he owes me so much. I worry so much about money and his bills, i don't want to know he is in trouble whilst I still live under the same roof but I cannot afford to move out either.

I am so stuck as to what to do. He never listens and he is always right according to him. He isnt' the kind to sit down and listen to how I feel. He just shouts all the time and threatens me with "i will never do so and so for you ever again" or "you can have every single penny of your money back and i wont pay the bills in the meantime cos i cant afford".

I feel sick with stress. I've told my brother and he told me to leave.

I hate him right now. We used to get on well but all we do is argue.

Surely I am not in the wrong to suggest he cuts down on his alcohol. I don't buy things i cant afford, especially if i owed somebody money

tribpot Wed 24-Jun-15 16:55:22

Well, your dad is at best a problem drinker and probably an alcoholic. He has no intention of stopping drinking.

So the person you need to (a) support and (b) look out for is yourself. You will never be able to afford to move out whilst you are subsidising his drinking. Don't worry about his bills, just get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

The money you've lent him you will never get back. Where on earth is he going to magic a grand from? You need to write that off and make a promise to yourself never to lend him any more.

Would your brothers help you to move, maybe pay your deposit for you? I'd imagine they aren't keen to lend you any money that might end up in your dad's hands, but they could pay it direct to the landlord.

LazyLouLou Wed 24-Jun-15 16:59:50

Your brother is right. Move out.

Ask your brothers to help you find a suitable place and get you moved in.

You really cannot reason with your dad, you really cannot change him.

But you can prevent him ruining your finances and trapping you into sharing his house/life.

Yes, it is hard, but you need to learn one of life's hardest lessons: when to cut and run, basically we will all be shouting "Save yourself"

I wish you the best of luck, a backbone of steel and as much support in real life as you can muster xx

mrstweefromtweesville Wed 24-Jun-15 17:03:11

Forget the money. Don't lend him a penny more. Move out. Leave your dad to his own devices.
Don't waste your energy trying to fix him. Support him when he seems ready, but not by putting your own life on hold.
Get away. Live.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 24-Jun-15 17:06:16

It sounds like your dad is struggling to cope emotionally and financially.

The sad thing for you is that he is no longer responsible for keeping a roof over your head.

If you can't afford to move out then look for a house share. Rates are pretty reasonable in most towns.

Best not to bail him out any more financially. Yes if he needs food but nothing else.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 24-Jun-15 17:10:21

Does your dad rent or own the property you're living in with him? Do you give him money every week/month for your 'keep' or otherwise contribute to outgoings such as gas/electric etc?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Jun-15 17:10:52

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

All that is hard to accept but this needs to be accepted by you as of now. You are currently being dragged down with him and you are ultimately not responsible for him. Co-dependent behaviours often feature in such types of relationships and these are also unhealthy as well.

Stop giving him any of your money now; you will never see a penny of what you have given him ever again. That was just enabling behaviour on your part as well and enabling helps no-one least of all him. It only gives you as well a false sense of control.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved. Your dad has a long standing drink problem and there is nothing at all you can do about him being an alcoholic.

All you can do is help your own self and moving out and away from this dysfunction at home asap would be a good start.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon and go to their meetings; they are very helpful with regards to family members of problem drinkers.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Jun-15 17:12:24

"Best not to bail him out any more financially. Yes if he needs food but nothing else".

If you give him money for "food" it will likely be spent by him instead on alcohol.

What do your brothers make of your dad?.

038THETA Wed 24-Jun-15 17:14:44

Loo you must look after number one (ie you wink) cut your losses and find a way to leave, there's nothing you can do to help your Dad and he will only drag you down
good luck

amarmai Wed 24-Jun-15 17:15:10

you are enabling him to live this way by subsidizing his lifestyle. You only have 1 life and you deserve to live it for you not him. Ask your brothers to help you leave. We are all cheering you on .

GoStraightGoStraight Wed 24-Jun-15 17:20:18

Disengage from this futile argument, you are wasting your breath. Write off the money you've lent him, don't pay him a penny more towards anything and recoup some of your losses through unpaid housekeeping if you can. Focus on saving hard for a deposit on a flat or look for a flat share and move out as soon as you can. You cannot change this so don't waste your life trying.

HopeClearwater Wed 24-Jun-15 17:23:05

He can't stop drinking - he's obviously an alcoholic because it's getting him into debt - and nothing you can do will stop him drinking. Detach yourself and your finances from him. It is very sad but it is beyond your control now.
My dad died as a result of his drinking and the only thing that stopped him drinking was permanent admission to a secure home for the elderly mentally ill. When that happened his overdraft was many thousands of pounds. Good luck OP.

Loo5125 Wed 24-Jun-15 18:41:13

I just told him I was going to stay at a friends for the night and he said if I leave I can't ever come back

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe Wed 24-Jun-15 18:52:21

I really don't agree with giving an addict money for "food". My mum fills my brother's cupboards up and it just enables him to spend the rest of his money on heroin.

You need to step away op. I have learned this the hard way.

PotteringAlong Wed 24-Jun-15 18:58:59

Then I'd leave and not go back. This will not get better with anything else you can do.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 24-Jun-15 19:15:03

So he's not just an alcoholic arsehole, he's also a controlling one.

Remind him that he's said "you can have every single penny of your money back" and ask him to honour his word... if he fails to pay his bills that's not your problem and at least you'll have the funds to enable you to find alternative accomodation.

Tell him your not 'leaving', you're merely exercising your right to have social life outside of the toxic environment you currently call home and you'll be back tomorrow in the expectation that he'll have your money ready and waiting so that you can do what you should have done years ago.

Would one of your brothers be willing to step in if it comes to the point where you're scared to leave for the night for fear that you won't be able to get in/access your belongings tomorrow?

Loo5125 Wed 24-Jun-15 19:15:26

I can only stop at this persons house for a few days and then I have nowhere. I have no money and no family nearby sad Closest family member is 3 hours drive away. he said he is sick of me as all I do is cry - I said doesn't he realise why I'm crying and he just flipped again. he doesn't understand at all. I hate him

FenellaFellorick Wed 24-Jun-15 19:22:02

People sometimes have to hit rock bottom before they can change.
Without your money, your dad may have to face facts.
It's going to be hard for you but livingwith him iisn't an easy life. It may be best for you to have to struggle to find your own independant life, difficult as that is in the short term.
You can go to shelter and ask for advice. You can see what rooms are available to rent etc etc.
One thing is certain though, you can't expect things to change unless you change them.

tribpot Wed 24-Jun-15 19:22:14

How quickly could you find a room in a shared flat? Would one of your brothers lend you some cash to see you through til payday? He's lashing out at you to keep you quiet. Ignore what he says and focus on sorting yourself out.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 24-Jun-15 19:22:36

You can't reason with an alcoholic and the chances are that another few drinks will see him either in another mood altogether or passed out.

If you're paid monthly you've only got a few days to go before you get funds in your account but will your take home pay be sufficient to pay for, say, rent and deposit on a room in a shared flat/house and keep you through July?

pocketsaviour Wed 24-Jun-15 19:23:00

OK. Stay where you are for now, if you worry that he would make it impossible to come back and collect your belongings. I guess you are working since he has been borrowing money from you? Have a look at rent rates in your area and see what you can afford. Speak to your brothers - can they lend you a few hundred quid for a deposit temporarily, until you get on your feet? If a bedsit/flat on your own is out of reach, look for a house share - gumtree.com is a good place to start as well as local newspaper etc. If you work in a fairly large place, ask around to see if anyone's looking for a lodger.

You cannot save your dad, you can only save yourself. I'm sorry you are in this position. You can and will get out of this current misery and start living life for yourself.

Loo5125 Wed 24-Jun-15 19:26:01

no I'm not on that much money, I struggle as it is and I live at home. he never gets drunk, he just cannot go a day without a drink. I have told him he's an alcoholic because he can't go a day without it and he calls me stupid and says it just helps relax him after a stressful day at work.

I have helped him for the last 12 months or so with money. he does pay me back, but the most he's ever owed me has been around £300. nothing compared to this. I pay for our food shopping and some other bills, whilst he pays gas electricity TV etc.

my mum would be disgusted at the state he is in. she was on good money and very house proud. she would be mortified at the way he speaks to me and spends his money.

Loo5125 Wed 24-Jun-15 19:30:21

we used to be really close too which is sad.

he never speaks to my brothers the way he speaks to me and he said it's because they don't nag him like I do - but I don't nag him, I just reiterate he cannot afford to drink every night when he owes so much money out. my brothers agree with me. I have rang one in tears tonight and he said he will speak to him in a few days but I think it will make it worse.

Wackadoodle Wed 24-Jun-15 19:34:44

I don't knowhy people are concluding he's an alcoholic. There are plenty of people who drink every night who aren't. We don't know that he can't stop: he may be perfectly capable of doing so but just doesn't see why he should. He's an adult making his own decisions at the end of the day.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be". Getting into situations like this with people you're close to can be very difficult. It is natural to feel that having lent them money gives you some kind of say over their choices about spending money. But at the same time they are still ultimately their choices, unless there was some stipulation about it written into the debt agreement (which between family members, is unlikely to be the case).

When you think about it, it's not that unusual for someone to owe a thousand pounds and still have a lifestyle that is not totally devoid of luxuries. It's not like he's booking luxury foreign holidays or buying sports cars on credit. He probably figures after a day's work he deserves a few beers and you will be repaid eventually.

What you DO have a right to is your own financial boundaries based on what you can afford and what you consider reasonable. What did you lend him money for before? Was it to get out of an urgent crisis, or just "stuff"? You need to be clear that's not how to be assumed any more. That would of course be easier if you had your own place.

SylvaniansAtEase Wed 24-Jun-15 19:35:56

Where do you work, is it a career job or a pay the bills job?

Because I think if you can, you need a fresh start.

Would going to stay with one of your brothers be an option until you get on your feet? Would you be able, or be prepared to, get a job in one of the areas they are in, stay with them until you get enough money for a deposit? Or even a lodging?

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