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Was this emotional abuse and how can I stop the feelings towards new DP?

(8 Posts)
paperclips5 Wed 24-Jun-15 15:36:21

Was this emotional abuse and have I been affected by it?

I ended a relationship 5 months ago with someone who was making me incredibly unhappy. A few examples:

- He would make plans and cancel at the last minute, or not tell me he was cancelling and just 'forget' we had plans, or tell me we had never made plans and I would question myself.
- Constantly forget to pay rent money in (this was genuine, he is forgetful), but it was stressful for me to have to keep reminding him (it didn't affect me personally in terms of money, but I found it a bit insulting that he couldnt bring himself to remember)
- He would tell me at the last minute that he was working away for the week (as in the day before), and would text this rather than tell me in person or call, even when we made plans, and I felt like I never knew where I stood and felt I couldn't make plans as they would inevitably be changed with DP's ever-changing scehdule. He often made plans to work away weeks in advance but would only tell me at the last minute - he didnt now why, he forgot was the usual answer.
- Lied about applying for work in Plymouth (we live in Newcastle), so I was busy trying to get a new job where we lived when all the time he was lying about wanting a future together there.
- Used to call his parents if we had a disagreement (his mum was v odd woman) and she would advise him to leave.
- Would happily receive oral sex but never wanted to give it ever. I acceted that but then he would claim he didnt want sex as he didnt have a high sex drive and claimed he wated porn rarely...on his intenet history there were pages and pages over months and months of porn searches. I didn't care too much about that but it was hurtful that he obviously did have a sex drive...just couldnt be bothered to have sex.
- If I got cross about anything to do with the above, he would tell me he wanted space and would go and see his parents or get drunk and not speak to me for days.

Anyway... I am seeing a lovely new man who seems v respectful. However, I often feel anxious about it, like I can't fully trust him. He's given me no reason to feel this way at all, and it's not based on anything apart from fear on my part that I will end up feel as messed up in my head as I did with my ex.

I also feel bad for the way I treated my exDP towards the end...I swore loads and got so mad a him because I constantly felt like my head was in a mess. I hate that I behaved like that to him because that is not who I am. That guilt has also stopped me fully enjoying my relationship with this new man, as I often feel I am not worth it. It isn't like me and before I met my exDP I was so full of love and trust.

What is going on here, and how can I stop the feelings?

lostinnormandieland Wed 24-Jun-15 15:54:51

A familiar story for me.
woman's aid website can help to answer your questions.
You can look at the book 'How to stop controlling others and caring for yourself' by Melody Beattie.

paperclips5 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:45:48

anyone? smile

magiccatlitter Thu 25-Jun-15 10:12:18

Yes it was abuse. Glad you got rid of the twat.

Try to enjoy your new man and not take what someone else did out on him.

GrumpleMe Thu 25-Jun-15 10:15:34

I don't think it matters what you call it. Your ex was a cunt. Nothing to do with you, or what you did/didn't do. He will be a cunt to the next woman too.

Draw a line under that relationship, either yourself or with the help of some counselling.

And enjoy being treated well by this new guy, because that's how people are SUPPOSED to treat each other.

paperclips5 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:22:21

Thanks for the replies, they are helping smile

Looking back I can see how terrible he was to me now, but I cant pretend that my behaviour wasnt awful towards the end as well...I know it was because he had got me into such a confused state, but sometimes I feel it doesnt excuse the shouting and swearing at him.

He was also lovely to me at times...would pay for dinners and buy me little surprises. I guess that's proof that those things matter far far less than baseline decency about day to day things, though.

The new man is an absolute gentleman and already feel I don't deserve him!

Threefishys Fri 26-Jun-15 09:31:56

Put your past dysfunctional relationship where it belongs in the past and stop analysing. You and you ex were a bad match - its that simple. Stop quantifying who was most in the wrong it just didn't work - the end. Live in the moment and enjoy what you have maybe this is the right guy who could never mistreat you and in turn you could never mistreat him. Be present today.

pocketsaviour Fri 26-Jun-15 12:00:38

You don't say how long you were with your ex, but is it possible you've tried to move on a bit too soon?

Can you take things down a notch for now while you get a hold of your emotions and regain some confidence?

I think doing the womens aid Freedom Programme could really help you reset your expectations.

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