Relationship with brother and nephew

[YellowPirate]

My brother lives abroad and has a son 2 months older than mine (10 months). He and his wife have a visit planned here next summer, which we've really been looking forward to as we'll all be able to meet our nephews and the boys will spend some time together for the first time.

I've just learnt that for their 2 week visit, they'll be spending a week in the middle travelling to France to watch the football. So we'll have 3 days either side to spend some time together.

I'm so hurt by this, it will probably be at least another year, maybe 2 until they are back again. It's so hard not knowing my little nephew and only seeing him grow up via photos. I thought they would feel the same and feel excited at the opportunity to all spend some time together, but now it feels as though we're just a stop off on the way to see the football.

It will be a struggle to see much of them as it will mean taking two separate holidays from work and travelling home to our parents twice in the space of 2 week. OH is annoyed and said he's not going up there twice. I'm torn, I'm angry with my brother but want to make the most of the time we have. He has a lovely family holiday every year on top of this, so it's not like it's their only opportunity to go away.

What would you do? I'm worried the resentment will build up and spoil the time we have. But he has a history of making everything all about him and although we get on well, we have fallen out on occasion as he can be quite selfish and reverts to baby brother mode when he visit.

I suppose there's not much I can do, but vent. This was the only chance in years for our boys to get to know each other and he's prioritised football ahead of us.

[NameChanger54321]

Regardless of whether he has another holiday in the year, it's still his holiday and is entitled to spend it however he wishes.

How far away do your parents live? Is it really such a hassle to drive there twice to see him? Or could you make the effort and go abroad to see him instead of him doing the travelling to other countries?

[YellowPirate]

I know he's entitled, it's more what he's implying by doing this - that he's not bothered about taking the opportunity to spend time with us and that going to watch a few football games is more important to him. We can't afford to visit him as by next June we will either have another lot of maternity leave or fertility treatment to save for. I wish we could and once we've completed our family we will certainly start saving.

They are a two hour drive, so we could (and no doubt will) go twice, depending on whether we can take two separate blocks of holiday from work. We have both moved away from home (although he has obviously moved much further) and it is the natural place to meet up.

[NameChanger54321]

Two hours is a long way to go. Four hour round trip twice in a fortnight would be painful.

Could he stay with your parents on the first stop then with you on the second stop?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your brother is still making everything about him. Also he lives abroad and does not place as much importance on family relations as you do, your son and his cousin would not meet up much anyway.

Do your parents indulge his behaviours when he does return?.

I would also not bend over backwards to see someone like your brother even though he is family. He would not seemingly be at all appreciative of your efforts to see him and his own family unit.

[QuiteLikely5]

I think you are being precious.

Your brother is demonstrating some commitment to visiting his family. Taking the trouble to come back again after France.

I don't see any commitment from you? If meeting his son was as important as you say you would have a savings pot for a future visit.

The onus shouldn't be on him or rather I don't think you have the right to complain!

[YellowPirate]

I don't think he would Namechanger as there will also be a lot of other friends and family that he'll want to see when he's home too. I also have a very important event at work right in the middle of the first run of 4 days he's here, which I'd probably have just gone in for the day for if I'd booked the 2 weeks off (I've done it before, a 2 hour commute isn't much fun but I'd have made the effort!).

My parents do indulge him, they're going to France with him, my dad to see the games and my Mum to babysit all day. I don't think my mum's keen but wants to spend time with her grandson as obviously she barely sees him. When I mentioned it to her she said 'well you tell him then' - I think she'd prefer not to go but would rather someone else tell him.

We do generally get on quite well, but I've fallen out with him on occasion when he's visiting as I'm the only one who will pull him up on his behaviour when he's being selfish (for example, last time he was visiting, his wife wanted to leave the pub early on a night out and he just let her go back to my parents on her own in a strange town and with no money for a taxi).

I just feel sad I suppose. I miss my little nephew so much, he's growing up not knowing half of his family and the one opportunity we have we will barely see him (I did suggest to OH that we go to France too, but he understandably doesn't want to spend our very limited family holiday funds following my brother across Europe).

It's a tricky situation as falling out will get us nowhere and spoil the time we do have, but on the other hand I just want him to see how he is upsetting everyone!

X

[YellowPirate]

We would have a savings pot if we had anything to put in it!! However maternity leave, a baby and saving for future fertility treatment has put paid to that for a few years. We will definitely save to visit as soon as we have any spare cash, but we just don't at the moment. I don't really think that being utterly skint means that I'm not bothered about seeing my nephew