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Wife's cheating - please help

(216 Posts)
DadNeedsAdvice Wed 24-Jun-15 10:22:23

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

Vivacia Wed 24-Jun-15 10:31:54

Tell her to move out for a few days, to give you some time and space to think. If that's not feasible with your young child, can you stay somewhere?

I would expect her to be lying and minimising the truth. Her tears are because she's sad you found out. If she were sorry she would have stopped the cheating.

Tell people in real life.

Nolim Wed 24-Jun-15 10:32:04

Sorry i have no advise but didnt want to read and run.

What doy you want to do? Couples counselling?

I think telling the wife would only make you feel beter short term. I would be tempted to tell hr, the boss was abusing his position and she has to leave because of that. But i dont know if that could affect your wife negatively.

textfan Wed 24-Jun-15 10:43:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia Wed 24-Jun-15 10:49:38

And I would tell his wife. Wouldn't you want to know?

MiddleAgedandConfused Wed 24-Jun-15 10:52:18

It's very early days - you don't need to make any decisions now other than how to get through the next week. Take your time and don't do anything hasty. You won't know how you really feel about all this until you have had more time to think about your options.
Get some space if you want it, take each day at a time until you are in place where you feel calm enough to make some more permanent decisions.

MiddleAgedandConfused Wed 24-Jun-15 10:52:54

PS I would tell his wife too.

DadNeedsAdvice Wed 24-Jun-15 10:56:48

Textfan, yes the message was before the business trip

textfan Wed 24-Jun-15 11:01:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humanmagicmarker Wed 24-Jun-15 11:08:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I started a thread called "support thread - marriages in recovery", come and join us on there, or at least read through some of the posts, hopefully it'll help you not feel so alone with this.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, I know it's difficult.

DadNeedsAdvice Wed 24-Jun-15 11:09:05

The thing is, the messages refer to kissing & holding but not to sex so I can't be sure. I want to believe her and she seems genuinely sorry but I don't know if I can

CoperCabana Wed 24-Jun-15 11:12:37

To be honest, even if they haven't slept together, it is still cheating. I wouldn't obsess about that detail. She has been thinking about him, touching him, kissing him, basically treating you with no respect. If you were a woman posting about a man cheating, the responses would be much, much harsher. Sorry. This is horrible.

DadNeedsAdvice Wed 24-Jun-15 11:25:52

It is indeed horrible - I had no idea the turmoil and the feelings this would cause until it actually happened. The sexually explicit messages seem to have ended months ago and since then, it's the boss who has been suggesting 'being naughty' again where as my wife's messages have been more friendly in nature. However, it doesn't matter to me whether it was 6 months ago or yesterday. As for responses being harsher - please don't hold back because I'm a man

butterflygirl15 Wed 24-Jun-15 11:31:45

I would want to know if I were his wife.

I would also presume they did have sex, your wife is likely to minimise what went on isn't she.

dontknowwhatcomesnext Wed 24-Jun-15 11:42:30

I'm so sorry, Dad. This is horrible. I'm a month on from finding out my husband has had two affairs, and it has been the worst month of my life. We are separated and likely to divorce. He's also remorseful, blah, blah, blah.

I second the advice for space from your wife. First and foremost for you, but also because I think that to have ANY hope of getting someone who let herself do something like that to understand the devastation, they need the unbridled consequences of their choices (separation, telling others why, etc.). Anything less I believe seriously diminishes the chance of any kind of meaningful, full marital recovery, even if you can paper over it temporarily.

I feel so sorry for you. This is a tough path for you and the issues around the children will be harder for you than for most women in this situation (like me, where there's never been any question I would have the majority of the time with our children and he's absolutely now freaking out about the impact on his relationship with the children (no shit-perhaps should have considered this before)). On the "upside" (for you, though my feminist self says it shouldn't be this way), in general a cheating woman is in for far more opprobrium than a male cheater. She's really going to get it from friends and family, especially because of the "yuck" factor for doing some of it while pregnant (WTF!?!?) and with such young children.

I wish you the best Dad as you start down this path.

dontknowwhatcomesnext Wed 24-Jun-15 11:43:32

Also, and I've been there, I 100% unequivocally would want to be told if I were in the OM's wife's position. She deserves truth.

Vivacia Wed 24-Jun-15 11:48:30

To be honest, even if they haven't slept together, it is still cheating. I wouldn't obsess about that detail.

This. Work on the basis of no sex if you find that best, there's enough betrayal that she's admitted to.

Vivacia Wed 24-Jun-15 11:49:29

And please get real life support. You sound calm and thoughtful but this going to hurt so much.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 24-Jun-15 11:54:34

I would tell his wife. If I was that wife I would want to know who my husband really was.

This deceit is on a very large, long scale.

It's crossed a huge line. Yes your dw is sorry - sorry she got caught. Pregnant too. That makes it worse.

Madamecastafiore Wed 24-Jun-15 11:58:52

One thing that always rings true in these situations, time and time again is that they only admit to what they think they can get away with.

I'd ask my partner to move out for a couple of days and give me some breathing space.

I'd tell the wife of the other man too. More as revenge than being nice and wanting her to know what a shit her husband is.

Oldisthenewblack Wed 24-Jun-15 12:06:14

So sorry you're going through this - it's heartbreaking. Here's another vote for telling his wife. I know that if I were in that position, I would definitely want to know. Your wife cheated whether there was sex involved or not. You only found out two days ago, so this is very raw still, and it takes time to process something so huge. It's essential that your wife answers any question you have and doesn't try to avoid the subject (I know this is something that other cheaters do). Someone above mentioned couples counselling, this may be an option at some point if you both want to make the relationship work - an organisation like Relate or Marriage Care. You'll be reeling from this, so as others have said, take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and take some time away if you can, to have space to think.

Good luck.

jabbsy74 Wed 24-Jun-15 12:11:56

so sorry youre having to go through this.

yes, i would tell the other wife what you know, she might be able to offer some other truths as well - and deserves to know.

i would at the very least move into spare room and stay there a while to give yourself some space (if you dont want to leave home/children)

take some time off work so you can sit down and talk. tell wife you dont want her tears distracting the matter at hand and to stop crying. you want to know WHY she did this, what led her down this path - no matter how much it hurts - if theres something to fix, you need to know what broke it in the first place. open, honest and full disclosure. otherwise thoughts will take over.... and thinking is more damaging than anything real. that said, you need to believe what she tells you - cos you have no other choice. if she is truely sorry and wants to fix the issue, she wont risk any lies - particularly if she knows you are telling the other wife.

i do think you need a couple of days to grieve first though, just finding out now - youre probably in no fit state to do anything sensible.

also, hell yes - tell HR. your wife, although you probably hate/love her right now, needs safe guarding for the future, depending on the outcome between you as a couple... you dont want the boss getting in there first and putting everything on your wife.

Lovingfreedom Wed 24-Jun-15 12:14:33

'Being naughty' means sex...sorry

DadNeedsAdvice Wed 24-Jun-15 13:02:39

I'm going to book into a hotel for a few days to think things through and consider what I do next. Thanks for the advice so far - more is welcome

ShortandSweeter Wed 24-Jun-15 13:08:23

I suspect they slept together, not that it matters now. She has treated you awfully- take steps to get rid of her and DEFINITELY tell the wife of the bloke involved too. SHE DESERVES TO KNOW what kind of 'person' she is married to. Bets wishes, mate.

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