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have a major crush and can't control it

(11 Posts)
TwirlyShoePoo Wed 24-Jun-15 09:36:42

So I've had threads before about problems with my relationship with DH. I think it's over but for financial reasons I have to wait to end things. DH has also been trying really hard to rectify things since I told him I don't know if I love him any more, and I feel like I do need to give things a proper chance.

However, I have a massive work crush and it's really clouding my head. I know that our relationship problems are not down to this crush as they started years before I met this guy. But I am worried that it's making my feelings for DH even less than they were. I can't bear DH to touch me and I think about the crush all the time. It's pathetic and embarrassing sad

Whenever I see him at work it Makes it worse and I knew I act really obvious even though I try to be normal. I think he likes me too which makes it harder.

It's stupid because I hardly know him, but in my head he's everything DH isn't. It's making it all feel unbearable and like I want to end my marriage right now. But I know I would regret this as I need to make sure I can support my DC ok my own first and they are the main priority.

I am in a bad place and have been on the waiting list for counselling (which I have been referred for but it's taking so long)

Please help with some coping strategies as I dont want to feel like this any more, I just want to focus on getting my life sorted

Vivacia Wed 24-Jun-15 09:54:58

You need to separate from your husband. This crush is a distraction from the distressing situation you find yourself in.

WingsofNylon Wed 24-Jun-15 09:59:34

Distance yourself from the crush. It is mostly in your head and it is making you feel great because it is the unknown but it isn't helpful and is embarrassing.

If needs be take some time off work. Remind yourself of this, you may notfeel hohow you once did about your husband but surely you still respect him and respect yourself. Don't let something so silly spoil that.

shovetheholly Wed 24-Jun-15 10:03:14

Google 'limerance', because that's what you're experiencing. It's a delusion that is masking the truth, which is that you need to work on your marriage.

MiniTheMinx Wed 24-Jun-15 10:17:43

I disagree with shove why should you work on your marriage. If this unhappiness has been existent for years, why should you. You deserve to be happy.

Would your DH agree to separate but still live and co-parent under the same roof whilst you make plans. It might be that, just as you have decided to put the welfare of your children first, that he could/should do the same?

As for the crush, I think its quite understandable, we seek out happiness where we can find it, sometimes in places we can't go. With people that are unobtainable and in a situations that are not ideal because we can then keep a lid on it, so that it becomes a thing in our head and not a thing of the real world. If you are unhappy, lonely and unfulfilled then I think its quite natural to focus yourself on "what ifs" and day dream about perfect love and make comparisons. However this "very average" man is going to seem better because he represents an unknown quantity, the reality is he is probably no better. Don't pursue it, at least not until you have completely emotionally detached from your marriage. Nothing good comes from wrong doing.

TwirlyShoePoo Wed 24-Jun-15 10:32:06

Ok I googled limerance and it has totally hit the nail on the head. And it IS embarrassing.

The thing is, I know it's not real and I need to stop it, but I just can't! I can't take time off work as I don't get paid. But doesn't help that every time I see crush he blushes and I catch him looking at me and then I think how sweet it is and I'm back to square one. Maybe I just need to be really detached and cold but I don't want to be because I like him sad

The other poignant thing that the site I read on Limerance said that in a person that experiences it they are likely to repeat the pattern with subsequent relationships. Looking back I was totally infatuated with DH, so much so I overlooked the warning signs as to his behaviour which is why I've ended up being with someone who is not right for me and can be totally horrible.

As far as working on my marriage. I am trying, I've been trying for a while but if you look through my previous posts there have been huge issues on DHs behalf and I fear that no matter how hard he tries now I'll never be able to feel like I love him again. I feel terribly guilty as I know he loves me, but I just can't imagine myself staying with him after all that's happened.

TwirlyShoePoo Wed 24-Jun-15 10:38:38

Mini - I would love to think DH could be calm headed enough to agree to separate and co parent but if I'm honest I'm so scared of his reaction. It won't be pretty. Our place is too small for it to be any other than unbearable if he is hurting and lashing out (no spare room to sleep in, open plan living room).

I want to get my finances in order and then ideally he'd stay with a friend while we work out how to separate but I'd be very surprised if he sees it that way.

To put it in context, despite all his efforts, I asked about getting access to the savings as we nearly went over our overdraft limit and I have no access so couldn't mitigate that. It would be bad as we need to remortgage to consoladate some debt from building work (a huge chunk of which is on my personal credit card as I had to pay for stuff quickly and didn't have access to savings)

There isn't a lot left but his reaction to me asking and saying that it would make me feel more secure is to say that the conversation was stupid and pathetic, I don't need to as he can transfer it (despite the fact he's abroad a lot so can't always do it!) and then to accuse me of wanting the money for something

So, all in all the conversation didn't go well and I was totally shut down

Going off topic of the crush here too

Vivacia Wed 24-Jun-15 10:39:28

I don't know what previous issues you are referring to but I think you need to be clear with your husband.

TwirlyShoePoo Wed 24-Jun-15 10:55:05

Sorry it's on precious threads so was trying not to repeat myself.

There have been issues with drinking, leading not to verbal abuse or him disappearing (particularly the night before v important occasions a couple of times). Horrible behaviour at my best friends wedding. Him losing lots of money on gambling. And just our general inability to communicate so the smallest thing can descend into an awful argument.
Things have improved in that he has drank to excess in a while (though I do wonder when the next time will be). He has started gambling again, v small stakes but to my mind that's not the point.

Regardless, I just don't feel like j love him anymore, though I do care for him.

I feel trapped. He will hate me and I'm scared about that.

MiniTheMinx Wed 24-Jun-15 12:36:13

Its very hard to really make a marriage work or to try when you are not really trying, one half of you is already checking out. You are ambivalent, and can be swayed one way or the other but never fully committed to either course of action.

You say he is trying, but he is engaged in activities that undermine your trust. His words mean nothing, if his actions are undermining you, no amount of pretty words can fix this thing.

I'm not surprised he shuts down conversations about money, the man is taking food from the table. How can you save money with a man who wastes it on his addictions and medications. Of course you care, doesn't everyone end up having some sympathy with the broken person who self soothes with drugs and gambling, or alcohol or other dysfunctional coping strategies. To be honest he sounds less than happy too. And it will only get worse, as he realises that you are only trying because its the right thing or that your heart isn't in it. This will ultimately damage both of you, and perhaps your children too.

You need to speak to him, if you want to end things, be firm and unequivocal. If he doesn't want to leave, tell him the only circs under which you can remain under the same roof is as parents only. Of course its hard, but it must be absolutely gut wrenching to have to have an emotional and physical relationship with someone you don't love who constantly undermines your trust. As for these savings, ultimately with the help of a divorce lawyer, what is your due, you shall receive.

shovetheholly Wed 24-Jun-15 12:48:57

I think you've already taken a very valuable step in recognising and identifying the problem, and in realising that you have a pattern of acting like this and that it does not make you happy in the long run. That's a huge lightbulb moment.

Your marriage sounds miserable, and I'm not surprised you want out. I don't blame you - I would too. However, please understand that it's not going to help if you start an affair with someone who essentially only exists in your head (you don't love this man, you love the idealised version of him that you've created to make yourself feel happier and I'm afraid he too may turn out to have feet of clay in the long run). What you're doing is creating a daydream that distracts you from present difficulties and miseries. Now there's nothing wrong with fantasy as long as you realise that it is imaginary. When you start to confuse it with real life, it becomes dangerous.

I honestly don't think it's worth staying together for money, either. I realise that's easy to say when I'm not confronting the situation, but as other posters have said, there are a lot of options for getting through this at a practical level and if you speak to a lawyer, I am sure you can find a strategy. I think you should see this as fundamentally connected to coping with the crush feelings that you have, because it is something that will ground you in the realities of your situation.

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