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What should I do?

(43 Posts)
Amistupid Tue 23-Jun-15 23:48:07

OK so I did something really stupid for the 2nd time in 10 years and I know it was stupid but I now need advice on what this stupid event has revealed to me.
So dh and me have been together almost 10 years and married 2. We have an 18 month old daughter and have been through tough times but I still love him and we always seem to work things out.
8 years ago something happened between us. I was depressed and he was distant and overly secretive. Something wasn't right and I did the horrific thing of looking at his messages. Turned out he was on the brink of cheating on me and although I'm not proud I looked, my gut instinct told me something was up and I was right. We got through it.
I've not snooped in the years since the incident as have felt like I trusted him. Then a few weeks ago he started talking a lot about a woman at work. A bit like you do when you have a crush and every sentence seems to involve them. I didn't think too much of it, but then he suddenly started wanting to go out to work events (drinks out etc)
He is a teacher and has only been there since October and is leaving at the end of term so it seemed strange that suddenly he was wanting to spend lots of time with certain people. Then last weekend he took dd and the dog out for a walk and was gone ages. When he came back he said this girl at work had called him crying so he'd gone to hers to see her.
Then he went out on Friday for prom and they were all staying over at someone's house. He was supposed to be back by 10am sat as we had plans but then came the excuses and he arrived back at 1pm missing our planned activities for the day. Yes his reasons were plausible, but still a bit weird.
At this point rightly or wrongly my gut started to pipe up to tell me something wasn't right.
Well tonight I looked at his messages. Yes I know it's wrong but I've done it now and no going back.
So what did I find...... Well there's a lot of messages with this one female teacher (not the crying one, a different one) about hugging and she loves his hugs. Then she starts saying it's obvious how much he likes another female teacher (the crying one) "on Friday it was obvious how much you liked her. In the car you were telling her how amazing she looks" he responded saying that there isn't anything there and he'd keep his distance as it probably makes people uncomfortable.

This makes me feel uneasy but he can be a bit flirty without realising so maybe it's nothing but to others it looks like he likes this woman.

However...... They then start on the hug talk again and she asks if he wished she was "her" when they hugged. He replies saying no he was glad it was her he was hugging all night.
Him: I hope we didn't go too far for you on Friday
Her: are you kidding?
Him:I had wandering hands.
Her:I wouldn't have changed a thing
Him:ha just read your comment about your top being off. Lucky I had bottoms on
Her: I was just getting hotter and hotter but worried you'd kick me out
Him:I'd never kick you out

There's also bits about her confessing at church (religious school) , but not for Friday as that wasn't wrong.

What the hell is happening!!
It seems like they've not had sex and are just friends (but very very close, too close for me) however they slept in bed together hugging. Now for me if there is nothing wrong with it then you wouldn't hide it. You'd tell me. Also he would never want me hugging another man in bed. I feel like there is an emotional line that's been crossed and I don't know what to do.
There's also this other person who this one seems to think dh likes. The messages end with her telling him she is sure he could get hugs elsewhere (this other woman I guess) He puts "really?"

I don't know what to do.

Alice1983 Tue 23-Jun-15 23:58:36

He is clearly cheating; sorry. Personally I wouldn't have it; as if someone does that to someone they love. I would send him packing and tell him to move in with once of them since he has all this choice wink; but that's just me; a bit crazy like that

TattieHowkerz Wed 24-Jun-15 00:03:12

He may not have had sex with her, but is clearly building up to it. Hasn't he been groping her breasts? It seems clear cut that he is cheating, and had no qualms about it. Sorry.

Cabrinha Wed 24-Jun-15 00:03:19

Emotional line that's been crossed? He's stayed in her bed semi naked groping her.
That's not just an emotional line, it's out and out physical cheating too.

This must be awful for you, so I'm sorry to be so blunt and harsh but - but you need to see this. He's cheating on you. He's treating you like shit.

Why on earth is the focus of your post something "horrific" years ago and something "stupid" recently? In checking his messages.


There's nowt horrific or stupid about checking when you obviously have reason to mistrust him.

Go and see a solicitor and work out an exit plan then get rid of the nasty shit.

He doesn't even have the "excuse" that he's fallen for someone. He's getting cheap gropes with one, and playing her off against crying woman too. What an absolute arsehole he is.

AlpacaMyBags Wed 24-Jun-15 00:08:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amistupid Wed 24-Jun-15 00:09:56

I am shaking so much right now. I fell like an idiot. I don't know if I need to hold it in for a bit longer just to get some more evidence or do I confront him now about it. What if I'm misunderstanding the messages (I know it's unlikely but it a big jump to make unless I can be sure)
She's older and there are messages about her meeting her ex fiance and almost kissing him so it implies that her and dh are just friends. There are also messages about another night out staying over at this house (btw it's not her house, it's the deputy heads house and lots of teachers went and stayed over. I'm not saying that's an excuse though) and her getting into bed with him again for hugs.
I moved 200 miles away from my family, have hardly any friends and we own our house together so I need to get it all straight in my head.

Amistupid Wed 24-Jun-15 00:11:06

OK and yes I took pics of what I could but have missed portions as I kept having to go away and come back to it. He's out on Thurs eve so could snoop on his computer possibly if he doesn't log out.

TattieHowkerz Wed 24-Jun-15 00:11:25

I don't see an alternative explanation for these messages.

Cabrinha Wed 24-Jun-15 00:14:20

1. You don't need evidence, you don't have to prove a damn thing to this wanker

2. What more evidence do you need anyway than him saying "I had wandering hands"?

Come on love, I know this is really shitty for you, but don't minimise it to "just friends because she also kissed an ex" because you are scared of leaving him.

Stay if you want, but stay knowing that he's perfectly happy to cheat on you angry

Alice1983 Wed 24-Jun-15 00:15:01

I would hold it for a bit see how it evolves but would leave him regardless

ScorpioMermaid Wed 24-Jun-15 00:18:22

What sort of 'friends' grope each other half naked in bed? My DH would be out the door! Don't beat yourself up about looking, you were suspicious and quite rightly so he's in the wrong here, not you! flowers

DorisDazzler Wed 24-Jun-15 03:50:39

I'm sorry this is happening to you Op. I'm familiar with the pain and shock of discovering this sort of betrayal. I disagree that it was horrific of you to look at his messages. A cheater will fuck off with all your savings without a backward glance. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally , physically and financially.

This woman is not his friend at all. She's his affair partner. It seems that he is so blatant about it that his colleagues know what's going on. I don't know how you would come back from this.

Amistupid Wed 24-Jun-15 06:09:50

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice. I was in such a mess last night that I woke him at 1am to confront him and ask him to stay at his parents for a few days.
He has obviously denied that anything happened but has admitted they slept in the same bed.
I don't know if I believe him to be honest. And even if nothing happened he still slept in bed with another woman and clearly knew it was wrong or he would've said when I asked him the sleeping arrangements.
I don't want to make any jerk reactions. I definitely think I am in a state of unknown right now as to whether a) I believe him b) I could even trust him again c) if this relationship is over.
I know people will say I'm being an idiot for not just kicking him straight out but I'm the sort of person who needs to make a rational and informed decision about everything in my life and that means I have a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you so so much for giving me the power to say it all out loud and tell him I knew.
Had it not been for your comments I think I would've struggled in silence and tears not knowing what my next step should be.
I don't know if my marriage is over or if it can be saved but I feel that bit more powerful for when the decision is made.
I don't want to become the girl who never leaves and gets messed around and betrayed continuously but sticks by her man but I don't think I can just end it like that. Need to give myself time to decide what is the right way forward for me.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Jun-15 06:54:50

what kind of work colleagues have sleepovers, sleep semi naked with each other and text this kind of teenage stuff (you like her, do you like me too, I love your hugs kinda crap)

is the deputy running some sort of love nest for his work mates or summat ?

how can you still respect this man ?

27inmyhead Wed 24-Jun-15 07:00:54

Disgusting behaviour. Sharing a bed with another woman all night and 'wandering hands?' Who does he think he is? Don't accept it.

Weebirdie Wed 24-Jun-15 07:01:10

This is the second time he's been unfaithful. And the reason he did it a second time is because you stayed the first time.

And Im sorry, but your are already the girl who never leaves if this hasn't been enough for you.

BalloonSlayer Wed 24-Jun-15 07:07:10

Well for a start, stop blaming yourself.

Checking his messages is not a "wrong" "stupid" or "horrific" when it turns out that someone is cheating or planning to cheat on you. You checked when you were suspicious, you didn't check for 8 YEARS for goodness' sake! Your gut instinct is spot on.

Seems they have been caught up in all the adolescent drama they work with. Someone needs to tell them they are not 13.

You have done the right thing asking him to leave for a few days. Keep going. flowers

BalloonSlayer Wed 24-Jun-15 07:17:38

It sounds to me like he has breezed into this school playing My Charm and managed to get these women competing over him. School management will have have noticed. His HOD would have observed that more than one teacher is fluttering her eyelashes over this young married father and won't be impressed. Presume he is on a year's contract covering maternity leave or similar? Wonder what his reference will be like. . .

BalloonSlayer Wed 24-Jun-15 07:18:02

er that should read "Mr Charm."

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 24-Jun-15 07:22:38

*Well for a start, stop blaming yourself.
Checking his messages is not a "wrong" "stupid" or "horrific" when it turns out that someone is cheating or planning to cheat on you. You checked when you were suspicious, you didn't check for 8 YEARS for goodness' sake! Your gut instinct is spot on.*


God, he sounds awful- and in a religious school too...? How can he deny anything happened? Its clear as day that it has been.

butterflygirl15 Wed 24-Jun-15 07:41:29

Ironic you blame yourself for looking at his messages, but you think his cheating is acceptable. Double standards much?

Penfold007 Wed 24-Jun-15 08:00:10

You've asked to go to his parents for a few days, wonder how he will minimise his behaviour to them. His actions over the next few days will probably decide what happens next. You know he can't be trusted, start gathering as much information as you can plus financial documents etc. Get legal advice as well.

RedDwarfPosse Wed 24-Jun-15 08:00:34

U checked his messages due to your gut instinct kicking in again, and again you were right.

Are you sure "hugs" isn't actually a code word? That was my first thought when reading your original post.

And if it is just hugs it's still bloody inappropriate hugging. He's a married man ffs! If my OH did this and I found these texts his bags would packed, the locks changed and I wouldn't be the one feeling guilty that's for sure!

Amistupid Wed 24-Jun-15 08:46:00

Thanks. Yes I do wonder if it is all code. I'm feeling so confused.
He didn't actually cheat last time but got close. I know for sure after chatting to a friend of mine who stepped up when it all started.
I lack self confidence and don't want things to be over but know that this might be something that means the end.
I need to have some time to think about what is best for me and my daughter. No rash decisions about anything but need to see if I can find out exactly what happened.
Thanks for all the support on this ladies.

butterflygirl15 Wed 24-Jun-15 09:52:55

What do you consider cheating? Even if they didn't have sex surely you can see he has crossed a line? Would you behave like he has with some bloke?

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