My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

[SusanIvanova]

He needs to move out. Some distance will give you both a chance to think.

[Teenagepisstaker]

I want him to move out, but I don't think he could afford to on what he earns as he left school with no GCSEs due to not turning up to his exams, he didn't attend his college course, he got an apprenticeship which he just messed up on purpose. He is now doing seasonal work for minimum wage which quite frankly is all he will get, despite support from all the family he is not interested in doing anything to get any qualifications or a better job.

[Teenagepisstaker]

He is bone idle and lazy. No work ethic. All of our family work hard, we have tried to encourage him to as well, unsuccessfully. He is spoilt by his grandparents who paid for him to pass his driving test, and have bought and insured him a car (the car is not worth much). I really wish he would realise how lucky he is compared to some young people.

I will not be called a cunt by anybody.

[Pagwatch]

Stop supporting him.

I know it sounds hard but he neither appreciates nor values what you do for him. Stop doing it.
Do you do his washing, cleaning, cooking? Do you give him money.
Stop all of it.

[ThunderbumsMum]

OP I have no advice but

You sound very upset, it sounds like some space might be helpful in the short term? I don't have any teenagers but from memory I think they are supposed to be rude and completely take the piss and it passes in time?

[Pagwatch]

No. They don't.
This doesn't sound like a stage -is it?
The op seems to be describing being treated like a sap by an ungrateful and fucking rude adult.

[ouryve]

You can't keep him at home, forever, abusing you, OP. He's an adult. It's time for him to start behaving like one. Shagging in the shower isn't going to put food in his tummy.

[Teenagepisstaker]

I am upset. I remember like yesterday he was in his little bassinet in the maternity wing, and all ahead was hope for the future, I have made so many sacrifices for him, and today he called me a cunt.

I really don't want to live with him anymore. He is an unpleasant freeloader. But I don't know if I can make my son homeless at 18.

[ouryve]

Ultimate crosspost!

[Pagwatch]

You don't have to make him homeless but stop making sacrifices for him.

Just leave him be but stop letting him free load.

I'm sorry - it's shit for you. You have been an attentive parent - it's just the way it's turned out

[MarchLikeAnAnt]

He is making himself homeless by behaving in such an awful way.

[Saymwa]

Hello there,

I don't see your son as abusing you. I hear that you are that setting boundaries and need more support. Are you a single parent ? Do you need more support ? If the answer is "yes" then I suggest that you work out how to get it. And then get it.

As for the "abuse" feeling , I suggest that you look to see what is behind that in yourself. I hear that you have issues of your own there.

To me, it sounds like your son is a pretty normal hetrosexual boy and that he is angry with you for setting boundaries. I would not like to come home,to what you came home to either. And I'm pretty sure that my own son would be angry with me if I said I didn't like what he was doing. But I'd still say it !

That said, where to go from there ?
Is it possible for him to get a place of his own ?
Is it possible for you to get your own needs met ?

Wishing you both well and sending you a big HUG ( from one mum to another ).
XXXXXXX

[Teenagepisstaker]

Apparently the girlfriend has a horrible home life and prefers being here. I feel bad now as all this happened in front of her. well, I feel bad for her but am equally angry - as I said - they wouldn't behave like that at her house so why disrespect me?

[Pagwatch]

[boggle]

Pretty normal? Calling your mother a psycho cunt?

[LizzieBelle]

He could go and live with his girlfriend...

[Plomino]

You can sort this now , or you can wish you had sorted it when he is an unpleasant 35 year old waster with no work ethic, and you are a lot more vulnerable than you are now . I meet a lot of elderly women , terrified in their own homes of their disrespectful, bullying , adult sons , whose lives are a misery. Don't let him make you into another .

[Pagwatch]

You feel bad that you complained about the shit state that she and your son had created in front of her?

You feel bad?

[ouryve]

pretty normal heterosexual boy

Erm, OK

[Teenagepisstaker]

I am a single parent, I had a 9 year relationship and a lovely house together, he also had children. The last two years were unbearable, my son decided my partner was a "wanker" and made himself so objectionable, and caused such an atmosphere I eventually ended up moving out with him on my own into rented accommodation
as my partner couldn't put up with him any more.

[Teenagepisstaker]

I do feel bad that I couldn't raise it with him without her being there, but then as they have been apparently joined at the hip for a week I had no choice I suppose. I have to my son I am his parent not his flat mate, and I don't pay all this rent to provide a teenage love nest, he then called me
"Pathetic and jealous". He is a nasty piece of work, I don't know what I did to deserve him.

[zen1]

Of course the OPs son is abusing her. He is an adult, not a 'boy' and she should not have to tolerate this behaviour. The way he is acting towards his mother does not sound"pretty normal" at all

[Topseyt]

I think you need space. He needs to try and get a place of his own (would he not get housing benefit?), whether by renting privately or applying to the council.

I don't know that he would be a priority to the council though. You might have to make him homeless in order to make them act, and then it might only be B & B for a long time.

Perhaps CAB could advise you what the options are if you feel he needs to move out.

I would be wanting him to move out after that outburst, and the mess. I would not be spoken to and abused like that in my own home.

[Pagwatch]

You need to stop thinking that his attitude will change.
You continue behaving the same way, you will get the same result.
Seriously, stop feeling sorry for him and seeing him as a child.
Of course you still love him but if he continues like this he will be unemployed and shouting at you in ten years time. That's no life for either of you.

You haven't answered - you do all the washing and cleaning etc don't you?

[BrowersBlues]

OP I have no advice but just want to say I have been where you are. My DD has just finished her A Levels and I am going to ask her to leave. She has been violent, verbally abusive and treats our home like a rubbish bin. I am not struggling as much as I used to as I am 100% certain that I want her out.

We have done our time living together. She thinks she is in charge of the house and I am somehow secondary. I will end up ill over the head of it unless she leaves.

I am taking her to a cafe in a couple of days and telling her she is moving out. If she refuses I will ring the police and have her removed. I have no advice but I really feel for you, it is hell.

She is going to France for a few weeks and when she comes back she can move in with her father. She has scant regard for him but tough. I have quite literally had it.