Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it ok to miss EA?

(9 Posts)
Inexperiencedchick Tue 23-Jun-15 22:55:08

Is it really OK to regret that it didn't work out and you left?

That you felt low because he used to put you on your place, belittle you, call you names, etc...

That he would only do his own way and won't even think about your situation (considering that you didn't mention some details)...

That he moves on very quickly and you realise that he never invested himself emotionally (well you kind of guessed beforehand that that was a case... )

After all what happened and that he treated you badly, is it really healthy to miss that person?

Botanicbaby Tue 23-Jun-15 23:59:25

I think it is healthy as its a natural reaction to miss something that you were invested in. Not your fault that they turned out to be not deserving of it.

years ago, I was slightly surprised to find myself 'missing' someone who had been physically abusive to me. It took me years to understand that I didn't really miss them, more the mourning of the time and effort I put into the relationship. It gets better, truly flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 24-Jun-15 00:15:01

Is it really missing them...or is it a sort of separation anxiety? Imho, and experience, I think I felt a fear of the unknown of being on my own. That wasn't exactly front and center as the definition of what I felt (having very little emotional intelligence at that time). Jumping to conclusions...I misidentified the emotion as missing the (insert descriptive) jerk and went back. I eventually trusted my gut and dumped him permanently (a few decades before MN!).

It's ok to regret it, as long as you don't go back. Everyone lives with regrets <{ it isn't fatal wink }>. Sorry that sounds too simplistic and not a little condescending but I think it is true. The good bits can not justify the abuse.

BrowersBlues Wed 24-Jun-15 00:43:46

Emotional abuse is just what it says on the tin, it is emotional abuse and it leaves the abused person feeling confused and uncertain. Just accept that and the rest will fall into place. You no doubt miss him but you only miss him because your judgement has been bashed. If you go back to him you won't get better.

Stay away from him because it won't get better, he is an abuser and he won't change. The missing him feeling will fade, trust me. You have to be strong. Go to your doctor and see if you can access counselling. Go to women's aid and get support.

You need support, you have been emotionally abused and you need support.

Good luck, let us know how you get on. You sound like a very nice person. Get rid of that abuser and start slowly to enjoy your life.

Inexperiencedchick Wed 24-Jun-15 05:00:01

Thanks ladies, love MN

flowers to everyone

BangingTheDrums Wed 24-Jun-15 06:30:15

I did.
And then I saw via a FB stalk he is now divorced, in F4J and similar groups, and his xw (who he met just after I left) is a member of various ea and DV support groups.
leopards don't change their spots and I realised my memories of the bad times were right.

Rebecca2014 Wed 24-Jun-15 07:42:24

Same situation with me, sadly though we have a child together and I have to keep seeing him. I do not miss the abuse but I miss having someone I knew cared about me, the company and of course the good times when he was not angry! I think it is because we try hard for so long to make the relationship work, it is a shock to our system that it really is over.

I see him now with his girlfriend, acting the model boyfriend and it does hurt but 8 months on I am feeling a lot more at peace with my situation. I am sure you will too.

LadyPlumpington Wed 24-Jun-15 07:47:22

This resonated with me when I broke up with my cheating ex.

Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.

Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.

But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all

I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.

Vicki Feaver

thanks to you op.

Inexperiencedchick Wed 24-Jun-15 07:52:54

Thanks Lady, it's so true...

The poem is lovely, x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now