Moving in together/deposit

[Fearless91]

I posted a thread last week about how down I was feeling about my life job wise.

Basically I work in a shop part time however I do full time hours but still earn peanuts. I'm trying to better myself with interviews and what not but so far I haven't been successful.
I'm also trying to clear my credit card debt from a previous relationship where I naively helped him out.

Anyway my boyfriend is the complete opposite. He has a fantastic career earning amazing money which he works hard for.

Here's where the issues are.

He's desperate to buy a house and is saving. His parents are also very keen for him to move out. I would also love to do this but unfortunately I'm not able to save a penny until 1) I find a new job and 2) I clear my debts.

But it makes me feel crap about our relationship. I worry that I'm gunna get left behind. I would never hold him back but I just feel like.. I'm not able to buy or save for a house yet so what's the point in being together if he's going to buy his own house? I'm 24 and he's 26. I don't want to move into his house... I'm not that naive. He can have me out at any time and I would have no rights. I've seen it happen to too many people around me. I don't wanna be paying off my boyfriends mortgage I want to be paying off our mortgage.

We have spoken about marriage and kids for in the future (not for a long time yet) which is a good thing.. But what's the point if we aren't even going to buy a house together? Again not his fault, but I don't want to have kids with somebody and live in his house. It wouldn't feel like home.

I'm sorry if this is really rambly or if I sound like a brat that isn't my intentions.
I'm not sure what I'm after really, suggestions/advice.
Think I'm just having a panic!

[StayGoldPonyBoy]

DH paid the whole house deposit and both our names are on the mortgage which we share. We were both happy with this because it's our house so who paid more didn't matter.

If he isn't willing to do this couldn't you live in 'his' house til you can go halves on a deposit on a new one?

I personally can't see a problem. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket, keep some personal savings and if you split and he keeps the house, you have something to fall back on.

[Fearless91]

A few people have suggested the same thing Stay (he pay the full deposit) but although I haven't suggested that to him I can't see him agreeing to it.

For example when he's talking about it he'll say something like "for when I buy my house". Not our house.

At a guess I think his reasons would be "I saved the deposit why should you get a house from it when you haven't saved".
Even if he did agree, in all honesty I think his parents (mum especially) would try and talk him out of that.

I don't want to live in his house and risk ending up homeless should things go wrong. I wouldn't feel as if I had the right to any say in the house. I don't want to be paying towards his mortgage.

[ThisOneAndThatOne]

"I don't want to be paying his mortgage"

So stay at your parents / pay rent somewhere else

[ThisOneAndThatOne]

How long have you been together?

[QuiteLikely5]

Well I don't blame him for not including you tbh.

It's not his fault that you are in the position you find yourself.

See it this way, if you ever marry it will be yours to share.

Focus upon improving your current situation not dwelling on what he is doing.

Can you go to college and retrain in a career you love?

What would you like to do? What is his job?

[Vivacia]

I don't want to live in his house and risk ending up homeless should things go wrong. I wouldn't feel as if I had the right to any say in the house. I don't want to be paying towards his mortgage.

I'm not sure what the problem is. You don't want to move in. Stay where you are then, and continue going out as you are..?

[Fearless91]

We have been together 3 years.

I can't go to college because I do 9-5 Monday's to Friday. I looked at evening classes but it's only a small college near where I live and it doesn't offer much variety.

I'm looking at home courses but again it's the cost that makes it difficult.

Vivacia - that's the thing though I do want us to live together. I want to have our own house with our own family in it one day. But I don't want to risk ending up homeless. I'm not naive I know things may not work out and he could make me leave anytime. To me that's too much of a risk to take.
My parents said once I move out they will downsize to a bungalow so it's not like I would have them to fall back on should things not work out properly with him.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Have you considered going to college or uni full time and getting a night job?

It's good if he wants you to move in.

What do you think would happen if you moved in, were on the mortgage and split up? You would still be homeless when you sold up.

[scabbycat]

OP, I don't think it's fair that you expect to be put on the mortgage without contributing any capital. Particularly if he's a boyfriend rather than a longterm partner. He's saved and saved and deserves the benefits of having done so.

If you rented together, you'd be paying rent with your boyfriend - probably paying off your landlord's mortgage - would you also expect to own a bit of their house too?

In fact, even if he agreed to it, if you have substantial debts you might not be accepted to go on a mortgage and he'd go through the process only to be turned down.

You don't need to move in with him right now. Let him get on the property ladder. If you're worried, then stay where you are and focus on yourself - clearing debts and saving up. Then you can be in a position to buy together in the future, as partners.

To be honest I think it's a good thing his parents are looking out for his interests.

[Cabrinha]

He's just your boyfriend.
You're massively over thinking this.
He wants to buy - he buys.

As a couple if you want to live together you:

• decide if you can afford it (for example if your parents is free)
  
• or decide if he'll let you live there for free
  
• or decide whether your rent is just rent or gives you equity (if I were him personally, no way would I agree to you having an interest in the house - but I would make sure I wasn't profiting from your contribution - you'd pay your added cost only)
  
• accept that you lose your home if you split up, but then what have you lost? Nothing. You're a single young woman, go get a house share like everyone ride! It's not really being homeless, it's just a change in circumstances
  
• don't do anything stupid like sinking lots of money into his house somewhere down the line
  

All that is fine for a boyfriend.

If your financial circumstances change, but your own place and let it out, or buy together, or discuss you paying a % of the mortgage with legally agreed equity

Then... don't have children with him unless you have secured a share of the house, through a legal agreement or marriage.

But you're pretty young, and won't be having children for some time anyway if you have debts to clear.

I really don't see what the problem is here!

[Cabrinha]

I think you're being really unfair to him by the way. Why are you saying it's pointless being together just because he has more money than you? I'd be gutted if my (less well off) partner thought that.

[Joysmum]

Consider distance learning.

Live together With a tenants in common agreement in place where you own different proportions of the house.

[LemonYellowSun]

I paid the vast majority of our deposit. We got tenants in common so that would always be mine if we split. Look into that

[wafflyversatile]

So he buys a house and if you move in you agree between you who pays for what and who gets what and you reassess as you go along.

Or if he buys a house, you move in and pay some form of rent/costs and then split up in 6 months then you move out and pay rent elsewhere the same as everyone else.

Or you do buy together taking your current earnings and deposit contributions into consideration and split the cost and the % of ownership accordingly then if you split up he can buy you out of whatever your share is or you sell up and get your percentage.

Sit down and talk about it with him.

[Jackw]

Well I know I am old fashioned but I happen to think that 3 years is long enough to know whether you want to commit to a future with someone. Vague talk of marriage and children some time a long way in the future doesn't sound very committed to me. I think he's planning his life exactly the way he wants it and why shouldn't he, you are both still young. But I can see how this prospective house purchase just for him is unsettling for you because it looks like you are just a minor add on to his life who could be replaced at any time if someone better comes along.

I think you need to stop focussing on him and his career and house purchase etc and start focussing on yourself. There is nothing wrong with working in retail but you really need a full time job or at least two part time jobs in order to earn a full time wage. You can work your way up in retail, becoming a supervisor, then manager, if that's the way you want to go. Or do a part time college course. IT, Business Admin, Accounting would all fit in with your current job but there are loads of other possibilities. Get the prospectus from your local college and have a look. Do it now as they will be enrolling now for September. While you are living cheaply with your parents is the ideal time to do this.

I was over 30 before I settled into the career path I'm on now. You shouldn't feel bad that you are still feeling your way at 24 and you are lucky that you have a home with your family while you find your way. Your problem is that you are investing too much of your mental energy on your relationship rather than on yourself. It may last with this man, it may not, enjoy what you have but don't spend your life clutching onto his coat tails as he runs into his future.

[goddessofsmallthings]

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Has he talked about you moving in with him when he buys his first home? If not, maybe this is a rite of passage he wants to achieve for himself before turning his thoughts to having a live-in partner.

No right-minded parent would be happy at the prospect of their child gifting a financial interest in a property they'd worked hard to buy to someone who has not contributed to its purchase, and his dps would be remiss if they didn't caution him against putting your name on the mortage without you goinf halves on the deposit and the repayments.

You seem envious of your boyfriend's 'fantastic career' but I daresay he's also worked hard to get a point where he earns 'amazing money' while you appear to be making excuses for your lack of ambition.

It may prove difficult to switch from shop work to, say, a well-paid office job but, if you're not willing to find time to attend evening classes/courses to acquire different/additional skills, perhaps you could look to work for retailers such as M&S, John Lewis, etc who promote from within and begin climbing your own career ladder - of course, this will depend on you making an effort to shine in whatever role you are allocated.

At only 24 it could be that you've got a number of boyfriends to come before marriage and dc (do make sure they're in that order!) so why not stop overthinking your current one's eventual house purchase and let him be the spur you need to get your arse in gear and get cracking on a career which will enable you to buy your own property.

[Vivacia]

Vivacia - that's the thing though I do want us to live together

I can understand that, especially after three years. What would your plan be?

[Jenijena]

When DH and I moved in together, the deposit was his. The deeds said that in the event of a sale 'the first 5% is his, then spit 50:50' (the split could have been different).

Tenants in common I think it's called...

[Inexperiencedchick]

You are 24!!!

You have a whole life ahead. He might be thinking about a purchase as a normal man will do to offer someone in his life some stability for the future.
Just think positive here. If it won't work out you will have experience and see what the circumstances will be. But at the moment you don't even know what the next 15 minutes of your life will be like.

Don't invest too much emotions in the relationship and his life. Start concentrating on yourself.

I was like you, overthought everything and created so much drama from nothing.

Just if he asks you to move in, move in. But bear in mind full time partner + job and study will be hard. But it will eventually pay off.

Good luck!

Btw you are lucky to have a man next to you who is serious about life in general and not wasting his time with drags or something else.

[NameChanger54321]

I have a mortgage. My DP doesn't. We've agreed that when he moves in, he'll pay only towards utilities (£200 a month). That way, he can continue paying towards his own mortgage, I'm not out of pocket for increased utility bills and I actually have money left over to save myself.

Can't you do that? If you didn't move in, he'd be paying the bills all alone anyway. But if you're paying a minimal contribution, it means you're not paying off his mortgage, you get to be together and when you have a better job, you'll have enough disposable income to save for a mortgage together.

If not, don't move in. But don't be bratty and say what's the point in being together just because he has his life set out earlier than you.

[NameChanger54321]

Continue saving for his own mortgage*

[Charley50]

What name changer says. That's fair.

[NerdyBird]

I moved into my DPs house. I only pay my share of bills and nothing towards the mortgage. I have no interest in the house and I don't want it. Although I'm fairly comfortable in the house, it's not ours. He bought it with his ex and that doesn't bother me, it's more the fact it's a house and area I would not choose to live in.
If you don't feel happy moving into his house don't do it. Focus on paying off your debts before you move in with him, whether that ends up being renting or buying together. Also your post says you work part time but do full time hours? Make sure you are paid for your extra hours.

[Vivacia]

What would your plan be? to clarify I meant, what would you like to see happen as opposed to the current plan.

[CillaAndArchie]

I like what namechanger says, too.

It sounds like you're (both) still in a stage of your relationship where you're not certain enough about the future together to fully jump in and pool your resources (i.e., you still think about each other quite separately). Given this, I think namechanger's solution allows you both to maintain some independence and autonomy. Good luck!