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going out of my mind

(48 Posts)
Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 19:52:07

I don't know what to do or if this is even normal and I must live the rest of my life feeling this way? I don't fancy my OH. Physically he does not turn me on at all, I feel we have become more like friends in the 9 years we have been together and even tho I could tell him my fantasies, I would not want him to carry them out. He is more like a brother to me. I feel so sad writing this. I love him, I don't want to break up our 'happy' family (three kids). BUT I desire other men, I fantasise about other men. Do we sacrifice our own desires when we commit to having children with one man? Any thoughts would be very gratefully received.........

purplemurple1 Tue 23-Jun-15 19:57:08

How long have you felt like this, has his apperance changed over that time?
Would it be worth trying relate or similar - assuming you use to find him attractive?

No I dont think you give up your happiness for the sake of kids, but I do think you need to make a bit more effort in the relationship to give it a fair shot to get back on track after kids esp the early yrs.

RinkRashDerbyKisses Tue 23-Jun-15 20:00:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 20:07:31

I've felt like this on and off for several years. At times I can control it, but other times I dream of spending passionate time with someone I really fancy, and who fancies me. We've always had a more buddies relationship, than passionate lovers and I thought our mutual desire for family would be enough to see us through, but now I'm not so sure? sad

purplemurple1 Tue 23-Jun-15 20:21:14

How does he feel, have you ever spoken about it? If he is feeling the same could you try counselling?
Of course if you just don't fancy each other at all I'd aim to end it quickly and amicably and keep things as calm for the kids as you can while being able to move on with your life.

Zettina Tue 23-Jun-15 20:23:35

Interesting. I'm in the opposite situation - I fancy my husband like mad, we are both very strongly attracted to each other at a physical level, but everything else has gone to pot, and I find myself fantasising about a relationship where we're more like friends.

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 20:30:47

It's odd isn't it Zettina, there's no possible way of 'having it all'. Purple: He feels the exact opposite to me - he fancies me and wants better, more frequent sex. Thinking about it, it's not just the sex that's An issue for me - I'm bored, he bores me, doesn't challenge me mentally, needs lots of emotional support which makes me feel im always the one who must be in control. Oh dear, why can't I just fancy him, I'm sure things would be ok then........

thisisnow Tue 23-Jun-15 20:35:03

I feel your pain as I feel the same as you describe. I don't know what the answers is really. Maybe you can have it all but I doubt it!

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 20:42:31

Slight reassurance knowing I'm not the only one thesisnow.

purplemurple1 Tue 23-Jun-15 20:43:03

So he fancies you while wanting you to be his mum and control everything.
You don't fancy him because he is a ma n child.

Or am I reading too much between the lines?
Have you spoken to him about it and asked him to step up and do more as an adult/parent? What's his response?

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 20:44:11

I think the problem is seeking out in other men, what I don't find in my marriage, which I know is very wrong.

YouMeddlingKids Tue 23-Jun-15 20:45:05

It sounds as if you have to be the grown-up in the relationship... there's nothing sexy about feeling like you've become your partners mum! Can you talk to him and see if he can grow up a bit?

Zettina Tue 23-Jun-15 20:48:47

I don't think you can find everything you need in one person. That's not to say I'm advocating seeking out other men, or anything, but to expect to find everything you want from others in one person is too much.

Physical attraction does go up and down. In our case, we're struggling on the more emotional side, and that's largely down to circumstances (me a SAHM with young child, husband works away most of the time).

Is your lack of physical attraction to him down to changes in his appearance, or is it grounded in a more general drifting apart? (My DH has gained quite a bit of weight since we married, and looks a LOT older, but my physical attraction to him is still strong, even though we have other problems.)

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 20:49:33

You're right purple.
I haven't spoken to him about it because even if I did describe my dirtiest fantasises to him, if he carried them out it would feel weird and If you have to explain what you want, it takes away a lot of the pleasure. Plus he is obese which I find very off putting. God I sound like such a bitch. I'm sorry. I think I've changed since I met him and maybe he hasn't....

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 20:53:28

He was always overweight, which I've never liked but accepted because other things were good. Now he is very overweight, quite lazy,overreacts, drinks too much and has little self respect or control. All very offputting. BUT he is a great dad, very supportive,reliable and trustworthy and kind. Why isn't thAt enough for me?

purplemurple1 Tue 23-Jun-15 20:57:35

I meant have you talked about the other stuff, how he acts, taking on half the adult work in the relationship and house, half the kids care etc.
For me at least respecting my partner does a lot for fancying him even when his looks aren't totally my type.

Does he want to loose weight and would you care if he did? Could you take up an active hobby together like dancing or martial arts.

Not sure I'm putting this very well but it sounds like you don't respect him and are picking faults in the wrong parts of your relationship in an attempt to put it right.

Even if you move on to a new relationship knowing how you want your new partner to behave and making sure it happens is more important than his looks (ONS excluded of course smile )

bjrce Tue 23-Jun-15 21:00:30

You are not a bitch, you can't help how you feel.
Its all well and good that he is a good dad, but if he is lazy in looking after himself physically this can be a very unattractive trait in a person.
What age are you? Sometimes find when people hit their late thirties, early forties they start to question their lives, it this is?? If you know what I mean.

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 21:03:32

I'm ashamed purple but you're right, I don't respect him. He is not my idea of a strong man. I hate myself and feel I should be alone. Sometimes I feel more like a man than woman. In my defence, he knows I find his size repulsive, but he doesn't do anything to change it confused

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 21:06:41

I'm 39 bj and that's is exactly what has happened lately. I went thru a big trauma a few months back and now feel I'm running out of time to enjoy life. I feel I'm on borrowed time. It's exciting but scary. I just want to have as much fun as I can (within the constraints of family life, running the house, working etc etc).

purplemurple1 Tue 23-Jun-15 21:11:53

I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of. Personally I want my partner to be a real man and a second adult in the house while respecting me and earning my respect in return.
If you talked already and he isn't interested in changing that means he doesn't really fancy you (outside of sex I mean) or respect you either.

What do mean you feel more like a man?
I'm very equal in life and feel I can do all a man does (I work in construction) but I love that my partner picks the heavy and disgusting jobs rather than make me go halves. It makes me feel femine in our house/relationship, is this what you would like?

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 21:18:41

This is weird, but I feel predatory and I love the chase of getting a new man to fall in love with me. When the chase is over, I lose interest, a bit like a man? (Bit sexist). I feel totally able to deal with the kids, house, work etc. on my own. I feel like I don't need a man, but I want one, I always have wanted men. I'm a massive flirt and I love that side of me, it makes me feel alive, valued and worthwhile.

Nevergoingtolearn Tue 23-Jun-15 21:19:08

Outofcontrol, I felt the same as you with my husband, I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as I just didn't feel attracted to him anymore, I felt as though my life was wasting away being with him and I was attracted to other men. It got to the point where I couldn't trust myself, a old friend started chatting me up one night and I felt so flattered, I knew that I could not be with dh if I was having feelings for other men. I ended my marriage a few months ago ( and slept with the man who was chatting me up ). The first month was hell, I felt I had lost my best friend but I knew I could not go back, I felt guilt for taking the dc's dad away from them even though they coped very well with the split. I am now very happy, starting to feel independent and starting to date other men, I know my choice was the right one for me and my dc's. I don't know what the future holds but I hope to find someone that I feel physically attracted and to settle down but feel that I'm not wasting my life away.

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 21:20:30

Yes, I would love to feel more feminine but it is hard for my partner cos I am always controlling so he never feels able to be 'the man' .

Nevergoingtolearn Tue 23-Jun-15 21:21:16

And I feel the same as you, I like the chase and the early days of dating someone, I then get bored and I hate being too settled, I am a flirt and I love attention from men, I missed that being married to dh. I am hoping that there is someone out there who makes me feel as though I don't need anyone else.

Outofcontrolfreak Tue 23-Jun-15 21:22:40

Thank you nevergoingtolearn. You sound very brave. Was it just the lack of sexual attraction that made you leave, or other things too?

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