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Is it possible low self esteem and abusive behaviour can be "expected" in life ?

(17 Posts)
whatisforteamum Tue 23-Jun-15 19:34:11

I ask this as this weekend i was hoping to see my very ill df on Fathers day then had to work 10/11 as someone accidentley let staff take hols,I covered a guy in the week and asked if i could go early fathers day.Another woman said it was emotional blackmail if i went first eventhough i did 23hrs extra and it was his last fathers day.
The other boss who quit text me to say they pile on the work on me as they know i wont say no as i love working hard.He said they abuse their staff as he knows what my homelife is like ,This got me thinking are people drawn towards abusive people as they expect to be treated this way i actually love working and although ive felt some bullying ive always taken a breath and carried on.I do still sleep on the floor at home and dh has been kinder though this eve he had a bad outburst.
Is my self esteem too low? I did speak out at a meeting 2weeks ago and since then they havent been too bad with me are all relationships based on treating people badly until they speak out or am i unlucky ?

wallaby73 Tue 23-Jun-15 19:56:36

You sleep on the floor? Still? Why do you not have a bed??

whatisforteamum Tue 23-Jun-15 20:03:10

i didnt know where to stick it as dh snores badly.

Atenco Tue 23-Jun-15 22:45:59

And why don't you speak up for yourself?

sliceofsoup Tue 23-Jun-15 22:54:22

To answer your questions,

No, all relationships are not based on treating people badly.

You are not unlucky, but you are probably drawn to abusers and inclined to accept shitty behaviour from people. There are various reasons why this would be the case.

I would say that yes, your self esteem is probably low.

OP, the important thing to know is that you can change your life. You do not have to accept shitty behaviour from anyone. Least of all your husband. Abuse may be common, but it should never be "expected".

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Jun-15 22:55:47

This got me thinking are people drawn towards abusive people as they expect to be treated this way

Short answer - yes.

There are a lot of bullies in this world. They will test the waters with everyone they meet, push people to see what they can get away with. Someone with good self-esteem and confidence will tell them to get to fuck. Someone with low self-esteem and a history of being abused will just take it.

Do you work in care industry by the way? I spent a year working as a care coordinator and I've never seen staff (and service users) treated so callously in any other industry.

whatisforteamum Wed 24-Jun-15 06:24:02

my dm tells me i am a doormat although i think of myself going the extra mile regarding work.I was drawn to dh as he was gentle and kind and my dm was a strict person prone to anger outbursts she called me a whore at 21 for sleeping with dh as we were nt married.Also she had such mood swings i couldnt wait to leave home.
Now dh is the one prone to dreadful moods though he wasnt like this for years.
The same thing with regards my job for 10 yrs i was treated with great respect the company changed and a bullying manager made my life hell and as i always stick things out and wont be bullied out of my job he has got better the last few weeks as others have left due to him and i did speak out at a meeting when stressed regarding dying df.
It was just when the other chef told me i deserve more and got treated so badly.Ive always thought i could let most shit go over my head now i wonder if low self esteem is to blame.
Why do i look forward to work then ? I feel bored or lonely without it as i generally dont have friendships out of work due to unsociable hrs and finding people quite hard work.One of my colleagues said im far too "nice" and cant see the bad in others.

sliceofsoup Wed 24-Jun-15 09:12:24

my dm was a strict person prone to anger outbursts she called me a whore at 21 for sleeping with dh as we were nt married.Also she had such mood swings i couldnt wait to leave home.

Sounds to me like you have been conditioned from a young age to accept shitty treatment as normal. Your DH might have been kind at the start, but when he changed and you just accepted it, that was due to your upbringing. Though I would wonder if he actually was kind or was he just a bit better than your mum but still abusive.

When you were a child did you do a lot to try to please your mum? Did you put a lot of effort into pleasing her?

Have you ever considered counselling?

whatisforteamum Wed 24-Jun-15 09:31:10

I still do some things to please my parents in my late forties though i wont change jobs for them.My df always goes on about me cutting my hair as it is fairly long.He is dying and all he can go on about is my hair ffs!
DH was lovely and v quiet until about 3 yrs ago and worse since his heart attack.My df says i mustnt wind him up.
I had anorexia and panic attacks in my 20s and was told by a pyscologist some of my family had more problems than me and i was the person with the symptoms.
I just wondered when i hear about people having friends where all the decent polite reasonable ppl are.My boss told me everyone at work likes me im just not so sure about their ignorance of my current situation.

whatisforteamum Wed 24-Jun-15 09:33:57

My dsis went nc with my parents as she has bad depression and is quite housebound and their behaviour makes her feel worse,Recently my dm acussed her of enquiring about dfs cancer to see if she would get inheritance when indeed she just wanted to know how he was.

sliceofsoup Wed 24-Jun-15 09:36:07

My df says i mustnt wind him up.

You are not responsible for your husbands behaviour.

It sounds to me like you work so hard in an attempt to win favour from your bosses and colleagues. Its the same cycle as you have with your parents.

As for sleeping on the floor, why can't you sleep on the sofa even, if your husband snores?

whatisforteamum Wed 24-Jun-15 09:49:33

i can but its an open plan house so i would still hear him.I cant believe i know so many controlling angry people tbh.sad

viridus Wed 24-Jun-15 11:47:33

Hi Whatisfortea, You sound a little like me. I had put family first for many years, and lacked self esteem. Self esteem is a skill learned growing up, from your parents, and is linked to boundary setting.
You can still learn these and turn your life around. There are loads of people who use others and do not care about damaging other peoples emotional health.
Start by sorting out your bed so that you get a good sleep, often one change leads on to more.
It is great you have fully realised your needs now, it's never too late to change and look after you now.

whatisforteamum Wed 24-Jun-15 19:20:42

thank you all and food for thought esp the overworking though the money comes in handy and i hate to be bored.I am always shocked when people say genuinely lovey thing about me as i am usually criticised hence i keep myself to myself as it is easier.

Atenco Wed 24-Jun-15 22:14:08

You do sound lovely and maybe you know so many controlling angry people because you can deal with as long as they aren't your mother, probably a good skill to have.

My mother used to sulk and stop talking to me, it was horrible but I remember one time I had to work with someone who was like that and not a bother on me, when other people had real difficulty dealing with her.

whatisforteamum Wed 24-Jun-15 22:41:34

yes this is true atenco i did tell my bullying boss he couldnt piss me off as im already married and could go to my mothers for insults lol.Dont get me wrong i love them dearly however some dreadful things have been said to me.I dont know why people dont take a chill pill and dont sweat the smallstuff a skill i learnt from having panic attacks and now df is dying and dms cancer is due to return i just keep my house clean kids fed and work and get as much sleep as possible.No need to get angry imo.

magiccatlitter Thu 25-Jun-15 14:34:57

Definitely try some counselling to get yourself sorted. You'll feel a lot better. Also try some ear plugs for the snoring.

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