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My boyfriend doesn't care - what have I done wrong

(71 Posts)
IamSoUnhappy14 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:43:32

To cut a long story short. I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. It was his 27th birthday yesterday. For days I have been telling him I would cook him a special meal and that I was looking forward to spoiling him.

I had specially arranged for leave from work so I could buy him a special present, and prepare a nice romantic meal for that evening. With of course some love afterwards.

By 6 o'clock I had set the table, put on the candles and food was ready. Six becomes 7 becomes 8 and still he hasn't come over. He hasn't phoned so of course I start worrying. I phone him but no answer. Finally he phones me at 11, and I can clearly hear he is as drunk as he is able to get.

His excuse? It was his regular poker evening with the boys. I was absolutely devastated he could treat me like this. I have developed real feelings for him but if it is like this now, what will he be like further down the road.

I feel he doesn't care. I go out of me way to do things for him, whether it be cooking, helping to clean his flat, as well as do his washing and ironing.

What have I done wrong to deserve this.

KnitFastDieWarm Tue 23-Jun-15 17:48:33

You haven't done anything wrong. He's a tosser.

Get the hell out of there - after three months he should be trying to impress you, not treating you like a servant.

Threefishys Tue 23-Jun-15 17:50:31

Yep get out of there pronto, he's not ready for a grown up relationship

IamSoUnhappy14 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:51:46

You know, we do everything for our DP and we just get treated like rubbish.

BusyHomemaker Tue 23-Jun-15 17:52:23

That's incredibly disrespectful of him. It appears he hasn't developed real feelings for you and if he has, is this really what you want? You sound absolutely lovely, I think you should ditch him and hold out for somebody who deserves all you have to offer. Sorry that you're going through this.

ajandjjmum Tue 23-Jun-15 17:53:45

Well this DP is clearly not worth it - good that you're learning that now, rather than months/years down the line. smile

BolshierAyraStark Tue 23-Jun-15 17:54:09

It shouldn't be like this full stop but 3 months in is a definite no. Bin the man child & find someone better, trust me when I tell you that wont be hard.

IamSoUnhappy14 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:56:20

Thanks ajandjjmum. However I do feel it is too soon to give up on this relationship.

Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?

NerrSnerr Tue 23-Jun-15 17:57:43

You are doing his washing and ironing after 3 months? Fuck that. After 3 months relationships should be about dating and fun, not you doing his laundry!!

Magmatic80 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:59:08

You can't change him, he has to want to respect you and your feelings, and he doesn't. As pp said, if he doesn't now, right at the beginning, he never will.

Reginafalangie Tue 23-Jun-15 18:00:56

* For days I have been telling him I would cook him a special meal and that I was looking forward to spoiling him.*

Did you actually ask him if that is what he wanted.

I am sorry you went to so much trouble but tbh i wouldn't be impressed if my boyfriend of 3 months was TELLING me what I was doing on MY birthday. What right do you have to railroad him?
Nowhere in your OP does it say he agreed to the meal I fact nowhere in you post does it say what he wanted to do.

If the OP had written this the other way around and it was BF who had told her she was having a meal cooked for her birthday the replies would be all "he's controlling" " how dare he tell you what you are doing" " go out and do your own thing OP".

IamSoUnhappy14 Tue 23-Jun-15 18:01:12

I agree NerrSnerr. I just thought he'd appreciate it.

Sometimes I am home mid-morning from the night shift at the hospital and then I have time to waste so i thought I'd help him out with some chores.

Reginafalangie Tue 23-Jun-15 18:02:46

Did he ask you to help with his chores?

TurnipCake Tue 23-Jun-15 18:03:57


Seriously, dump this ungrateful piece of shit. He's like this 3 months in?!

Don't waste your time trying to change him.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Tue 23-Jun-15 18:03:57

Why are you doing his washing and ironing?

Bluetonic123 Tue 23-Jun-15 18:04:06

I think that if he didn't want the meal he should have told you. I can see how after 3 months it could seem a bit full on but all he had to say was that he was seeing his friends.

BolshierAyraStark Tue 23-Jun-15 18:04:28

What you're doing wrong is being a doormat & doing his chores for him while he has zero regard for you, you're supposed to be his partner not his fucking mother-quit picking up after him.

PatriciaHolm Tue 23-Jun-15 18:04:45

"Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?"

You can't, of course you can't. He's not a computer program that just needs different instructions. He's a twat who is already, 3 months in, taking you for granted; you are already part of the furniture, a household appliance.

had you actually made arrangements in terms of time etc that he was going to come round? has poker night not happened before?

Snowflake15 Tue 23-Jun-15 18:05:19

You can't change him. And by doing his chores ironing cleaning his flat you are just making a fool of yourself - does he do any of this for you? What does he bring to the relationship that makes 'too soon to give up on'?

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Tue 23-Jun-15 18:05:44

And honestly, if someone I had been dating for three months starting acting like the domestic help, I wouldn't be particularity grateful. I'd think they were strange.

PatriciaHolm Tue 23-Jun-15 18:06:06

"Sometimes I am home mid-morning from the night shift at the hospital and then I have time to waste so i thought I'd help him out with some chores."

You don't live together though? Were you letting yourself into his house to do chores? This is odder and odder.

IamSoUnhappy14 Tue 23-Jun-15 18:06:26

Regina, since I mentioned it more then once to him, the decent thing of him would have been to say "thanks, but no thanks".

By keeping quiet and not saying anything you certainly give the impression you think it is a good idea.

noblegiraffe Tue 23-Jun-15 18:06:36

It's not too soon to give up on a relationship, it's perfect timing. You have discovered that he is an inconsiderate tosser who just isn't that fussed about you, and you have only wasted three months of your life on him.

Certainly don't waste any more time on him.

gatewalker Tue 23-Jun-15 18:06:44


Pagwatch Tue 23-Jun-15 18:11:14

Goodness, back off.

You seem to think being an utter doormat is how people show love.
It isn't. You won't change him. In fact you are just teaching him very clearly that you really want to hang around, generally being subordinate.

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