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Need advice to help support my mum.(9 Posts)
Hi, I've been on here before regarding my emotionally abusive exH and controlling family. There is a lot of love in my family but I have often found my parents to be over bearing, especially my father.
A bit of background...
I left my EA exH after 2.5yrs of marriage. Didn't see it coming until the birth of DD (now 3.5yrs, 15mo when I left) and the doubt slowly started creeping in until I saw things for how they really were and couldn't unsee it. I was incredibly anxious and low but with the help of ADs and counselling I'm getting through it.
My mum has been on ADs for a few years now and they don't seem to be working. I spent the day with her at the w/e and she was incredibly stressed so I asked her what was going on. She needed new meds, I urged her to pick them up, she's seeing the doc again tomorrow to ask for a review. My dad went out and then she broke down. She's deeply unhappy and it's started to affect her work. She's 60 this year and can't retire because they have no momey. My Dad contributes his £500 pension and my mum contributes £3000 each month and they're skint... overdraft, loan to pay it off and now overdrawn again! My dad is incredibly controlling with money.... told her she couldn't look at pottery on her day off without him but when the kettle broke he rushed out to buy a new one without speaking to her. He runs a business which pays for his van but there is no other money to show for it. He is constantly working. He spends a fortune on his hobbies. He drinks every night, like 8 cans, half a bottle of wine and a whiskey or two if he's still awake. He never goes to bed, just sleeps in his arm chair and then wakes up at crack of dawn and goes to bed. Wakes up in a grump. Shows my mum no affection, puts her down constantly. He's always right!! He talks down to all of us and if you interrupt him he will go back to the beginning of his sentence and repeat it all. He doesn't help with the housework, if he washes up it takes him an hour! My mum works full time and does everything around the house.
I could go on!!!!
The thing is, we've always all idolised my dad. (My DB and DS) but now I see him differently and I just feel so sorry for my poor mum. After she returned to work full time after raising us (I was 10) she has earned more money but she is poor. He went to uni full time for 4 years when he was 36 and she worked nights (as a nurse) to feed us, cloth us and send us on school trips. When she did her degree she carried on working full time and my dad moaned she was neglecting her family.
My mum told me during all these revelations that my exH is a lot like my dad. She's kind of provided me with the answers I've been looking for regarding my own marriage. The reason I'm still in counselling is because I just couldn't understand why I ended up in love with such a manipulative man. (Who was useless around the house and didn't contribute financially.)
I feel like a cloud has been lifted and in a wasy I am grateful for that but I feel so bad for my poor mum.
She wants to leave him but knowing her she will give him a chance to change first. I just don't think that will happen.
I love my dad but looking at the situation objectively I firmly believe my mum should get out and live her life for herself again. They;ve been together since they were 17 and had a catholic upbringing so my mum feels guilty leaving him..... she almost did several times in the past.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Or able to suggest a couple of books that I can recommend to my mum?
I should mention my dad trained as a teacher and worked for about 10 years but had problems with the head. This caused him to take early retirement but financially it was incredibly premature. He refuses to get a job as he can't work under somebody else! So he set up a business, fair enough... except the start-up costs were huge and he takes nothing from it. He could at least work part-time and still run his business, IMO.
The standard book recommendation on here is 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft; I haven't read it myself but it is widely acclaimed.
Speaking just for myself, why on earth would he change if the situation remains the same? I think it's a situation to leave, not try to adapt.
for you and your mum.
Thank you Lady I'll order it off Amazon. I just hope the front cover doesn't put her off... I don't thing my mum associate control with abuse. It's a bit scary as I want to help guide her in the right direction but it's going to be tough. I've just seen my dad and I can tell he thinks something is up as I mentioned she's going through a tough time and work and he started bad mouthing my mum for not telling him what was going on... me me me! I know she's tried to tell him as I've been there and he doesn't take it on board. This is going to be tough!
Busy...didnt want to read and run. At least I can hold your hand and offer for you and your mum.
If she has a kindle (if not, birthday present perhaps?) she could download it to that with no issues. Otherwise, maybe get a hardback and put it inside a similarly sized dustcover.
That's a good idea Lady she has a tablet but not a kindle. I had a counselling session this afternoon and it was suggested I read "Toxic Parents" so will get onto Amazon later and sort out a reading list!
Its a positive step that she has come out and confessed the truth. That is a big step and, like you with your relationship, you can't under what you've seen.
She does need a nudge, though - its so easy to slip back into denial. How about the Freedom Programme? You could go with her. Look on their site to find your nearest course. And pls don't think it's full of women with black eyes and scraped back hair - far from it; its full of women like you and me and your mum. The facilitators will know how to tailor it for eg your mum (my dream is for one to be written for older ppl eg 60-80s; they are currently writing one for teenagers) and the facilitators are very sensitive. Its an excellent course, I can't recommend it highly enough.
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