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sex in marriage

(11 Posts)
doolittle26 Tue 23-Jun-15 13:50:20

I have just turned 43 with an 8 and 3 year old. I haven't had an intimate relationship for pretty much 8 years (or more). My husband does not seem sexual and has not been aroused by me for a number of years now. He got Viagra from the doctor but it just sat in a cupboard. I was his first girlfriend, then wife. The year before last, I found he had been on chat-sites. Last year, I discovered he had been reading transsexual stories (that was an eye opener!) I have threatened to leave him for the latter problems and just lack of sex. I do not look particularly different from when we got married at 32, just over 10 years ago, but I cannot trust him now. He got very secretive about his phone, but has now allowed me to have access to it. I just think he's taken it elsewhere now or is covering his tracks better. I don't know what to do, but I don't particularly want to be intimate with HIM anymore, but I do want sex. Oh yes, and he keeps putting off Relate until we move areas (we are in the process of moving at the moment).

flanjabelle Tue 23-Jun-15 13:52:16

Life is too short to be in a marriage that is making you miserable. Imo you have tried, and it didn't work. Find happiness somewhere else.

Morporkia Tue 23-Jun-15 14:07:36

Hi Doolittle, i know this must be a pretty stressful time with moving etc but i noticed a glaring coincidence. your DH stopped being interested in sex 8 years ago.. was this after the birth of your first child? men can be funny creatures, with odd ways of thinking. maybe he stopped seeing you as a sexual being after you gave birth and became a mother. i feel like im about to psycho-analyse him now, i have so many questions... how old is he? does he suffer from depression? has he shown any other interest in transexual activities? what sort of chat sites is he going on? how active was your sex life BC (before children)? im so so sorry about all the Qs and if this comes across as harsh, but from your last couple of sentences it sounds as though you have decided it's not really worth fighting for any more :-(

doolittle26 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:23:04

Hi Morporkia

I am grateful for the questions and the interest shown. Believe me! My husband has never been particularly sexual and has blamed lack of desire on work mainly. He is the same age as me. He hates his job and blames his lack of desire on that. He also has blamed "trying" for a baby on his lack of desire. He has never shown an interest in men and swears he isn't gay, but he just doesn't seem interested in my body. I don't feel he looks at me in a desirous way ever. I caught him out on a chat site like Yahoo and another one I cannot remember. The messages were pretty much about graphic sexual talk. He doesn't deny he was sexting but I can't actually believe he isn't still doing it! He just doesn't seem to initiate sex, or certainly doesn't pursue it when I "lack" interest.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 23-Jun-15 14:32:19

Eight years and no sex? Or more importantly eight years, no sex and he doesn't give a shit about it?

I'd be out of there. What are you waiting for? He's not going to change.

Morporkia Tue 23-Jun-15 14:59:11

ok, so he has never had a particularly high sex drive and he blames lack of interest in trying for a baby.. i'm assuming you aren't trying for any more kids? i also wonder about the fact you were his first gf at the age of what? around 30? the fact that he is engaging in graphic sex chat is worrying when you say he has never been particularly sexual, however, people and their sexual urges do change. have you ever asked him what he wants/likes/fantasizes about? me and DH have been together for 23 years and still enjoy each other.. not the way we were at the beginning (quite frankly i'd be dead!) but what about the little acts of intimacy? holding hands when you are out together? cuddles on the sofa watching the tellybox? cheeky bum slap in the kitchen? telling you he loves you? my DH hardly ever says the 3 little words, but i know he does because of the way he behaves towards me. i hope you make the decisions that are right for you and your little ones and feel free to pm me if you want to chat more in private x

ineedabodytransplant Tue 23-Jun-15 15:03:35

Hi Doolittle. I was in the same boat as you except it was my wife who wasn't interested.

DON'T do what I did and waste 15 years waiting in case she suddenly found me attractive again. It didn't happen. We seperated last year but I'm now 58 and really, really wish I had cut my losses years ago. It feels too late for me now, hence my name tag grin but you're still young.

Morporkia Tue 23-Jun-15 15:46:59

ineedabodytransplant is too long to type. i name thee Bod... Bod, it's never too late. in my local news there was a story about a couple getting married. he was 98, she was 93. at 58 you're a spring chicken compared to these 2!

ineedabodytransplant Tue 23-Jun-15 15:48:42

Morporkia, grin

Jan45 Tue 23-Jun-15 16:20:55

Jesus, the man is clearly going behind your back and doing whatever, virtually or not, it's nasty...........he's probably got another fone you don't even know about, honestly, time to call it a day.

nearlyhadenough Tue 23-Jun-15 16:36:48


I am 44, my DH is 45, married for 22 years, 2 DC who no longer live at home.

I was his fist real GF and sex was always a bit hit and miss but I thought it would improve.

I haven't had the transsexual bit with DH - but he has had emotional affairs and what I see as an addiction to porn.

We have probably had sex 10-15 times during our marriage. He is unable to maintain/get an erection (sorry if TMI) - we have been to counselling, both couples and specific sexual counselling. He will not ask the GP if he can try Viagra or similar. He will not touch me or be affectionate in any way, he kisses, sorry- pecks, me on the cheek as he leaves the house (he has then fulfilled he obligation as a loving DH in his eyes....).

This has almost destroyed me. I have no confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, I blame myself as I am not good enough (looks or as a wife). We have been going round in circles for a good 17ish (that I have tried my hardest to get him to do SOMETHING) years.

I believe my DH is using me to cover up his true sexuality.

PLEASE do not end up like me.

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