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Does anyone else feel they weren't cut out to be in a relationship?

(45 Posts)
VandaLonely Tue 23-Jun-15 13:49:43

I don't know how to articulate how I feel without sounding nasty/selfish/strange - and any number of other not-so-nice things.

Been married for over 20 years and have 4 dc. I love dh and the dc very much. But I also love my own company and can't seem to get enough of it. Dh is very tactile and loving, and wants to spend all his free time with me. I just want to be left alone sad Yet I love him and couldn't imagine life without him. I don't want him to know how I feel because I couldn't bare (bear?) to hurt him but I have long elaborate fantasies of how I will one day live in a cottage on the cliffs somewhere on my own. But inevitably I end up feeling horrible because being on my own means something will have happened to him - and so it goes on.

The dc are well on their way to being grown up. One is at uni but the other 3 are at home - 1 working, the other 2 at school. I miss the one who is at uni but dread him coming home because of the extra effort on my part to be sociable. I told you I sounded horrid sad But I promise I'm not and I love all my dc dreadfully - I just don't have the emotional energy to expend it seems.

Ironically, I have quite a lot of friends but, barring say two, I would happily never see them again. Not because they aren't nice but because I just want to be on my own. If I never had to go anywhere or see anyone other than family again I think I would be fine with that.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel I maybe should never have married or had dc, even though I love them all and seem, so far, to be loved back.

VandaLonely Tue 23-Jun-15 13:53:21

And I've just re-read my post and realised how awful it sounds - complaining about having a loving family confused. I guess the saying about not pleasing all of the people all of the time is applicable.

I know some people would love to have what I have and I do appreciate how lucky I am. But I can't help feeling this way.

APlaceOnTheCouch Tue 23-Jun-15 14:23:15

Have you always felt this way? I think most people go through stages where they could quite happily live on their own, not because they're 'horrible' or 'nasty' or 'selfish' - just because other people can be overwhelming or emotionally draining. Even the easiest person to spend time with, still demands some kind of emotional commitment iyswim

If you haven't always felt like this then maybe you should go to the GP. Feeling lacking in emotional energy can be a symptom of an iron or vitamin deficiency; depression, etc.

Even if you have always felt this way but it's only now starting to bother you, then you could still have a chat with your GP. thanks

VandaLonely Tue 23-Jun-15 14:39:27

Thanks for answering Couch. I haven't always felt this way, no. But I have had these feelings for some years now. I wonder if it's tied up to getting older and getting less energy, both emotional and physical. I'd feel really bad going to the GP with something that essentially is a non - problem.

I don't feel depressed as such, just unsociable! But your point about vitamin deficiency is a good one, my diet is very hit and miss.

FoodieMum3 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:05:29

Would it be possible for you to get away for a few nights, alone or even with a friend?

FoodieMum3 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:07:30

There was a thread on here recently, I think it was in chat called 'Are you an introvert'?. You should do a search for that, it was very interesting and I know I could identify a lot with it and it made so much sense... It was like light bulb smile

Twinklestein Tue 23-Jun-15 15:16:17

You don't sound awful at all. Four children is quite an odd decision who likes their own company. But the dread sounds more like a recent problem based on low energy...

Have you had thyroid, iron etc checked - all the basics?

wallaby73 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:18:30

In a huge simplification here, extroverts feed off the energy of other people, introverts have their energy drained by other people. Not that other people are being unpleasant or unkind, but just being in the company of other people, over time, is draining for the introverted. I know what side of the coin i fall on, and I completely "get" what you are saying.

It sounds like you have a busy family life, and you are also feeling guilty, as if in some way you feel you are being disloyal and rude about your family members and friends by feeling this. You're really not....i know a fair few people like this, and i regularly feel the same!

yougotafriend Tue 23-Jun-15 15:21:37

I totally related to the title of you op, but not the bit about not seeing friends.

When I was younger I didn't want a relationship, just went out & made new friends as old ones settled down (didn't dump the old ones just needed friends who were at the same life stage as me as well). Even my DF who was my no. 1 fan used to say I was heartless as I wouldn't even go on a date & give blokes a chance.

Then I met stbxh and fell hook line & sinker... In my head I rationalised it by thinking I was obviously subconsciously holding out for "the one".

Now it's apparent he wasn't the one and I'm single again, I'm back to being emotionally detached. At first I thought it was as a result of a 20+yr EA relationship, until someone reminded me how I used to be!! I wonder if I was ever really cut out for a relationship at all.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jun-15 16:00:00

You don't sound at all awful, 4 kids and a needy husband takes a lot out of anyone, I'd never be able to handle it, no wonder you want some peace and time on your own, and it's important you have that, you are a person in your own right, you might find days away on your own or with a friend will help your home life situation, it sounds tiresome and having time away can make a massive difference to your mood. Your OH needs to back off a bit and find his own entertainment.

spottybottycream Tue 23-Jun-15 16:08:00

Similar situation that I posted about last night only my thread was rantyer and you have put it all so much more eloquently.

I am an introvert. I accept this but it is hard to get a cross to my husband who is needyer and clingyer the more I pull away. He just doesn't get that i don't want to be cuddled all the time or have sex lots with lots of physical intimacy. I find it draining and emotionally difficult. I have no answer so flowers for both of us.

VandaLonely Tue 23-Jun-15 16:56:35

Thank you for all your responses and for sharing your own experiences. Foody and wallaby, the intovert/extrovert thing is interesting. I've never thought of myself as an introvert as I'm not especially shy but it sounds like there's more to it than that. I will search for the introvert thread - maybe if I can identify as an introvert I won't feel so bad, ie I will have a reason for feeling the way I do.

spotty, I'm sorry you feel the same way. Where is your thread?

VandaLonely Tue 23-Jun-15 17:01:42

Ah, I've found your thread spotty. Will go and read it now.

Twinklestein Tue 23-Jun-15 17:04:38

You sound more tired than introverted tbh...

VandaLonely Tue 23-Jun-15 17:19:45

I'm always tired Twinkle - sleeping is the one thing I'm excellent at! But I think that's just how I would be, family or not.

I feel a bit disloyal to dh now. I don't want to give the impression he's needy and whingy because he's not, far from it. He works fairly long hours and does have interests/friends. He doesn't pester me as such, it's just that he's much more physically affectionate than I am. I would be happy never to be so much as touched again - not just by him but by anyone.

CharlotteCollins Tue 23-Jun-15 17:33:23

Whether introvert or not, you want away from people, so make sure you get it. How much time to yourself do you get? Can you schedule a block of time every week to go somewhere quiet where nobody's demands can get through? Even a cafe with your phone switched off will work.

A fixed time to look forward to when everybody gets too intrusive could do wonders.

CharlotteCollins Tue 23-Jun-15 17:38:27

To explain where I'm coming from, I also have 4 DCs and felt like you. I didn't have a good marriage and never had any time to myself. Now I am separated, I have every other weekend to myself, and for two years so far I have just wanted to spend that time away from everybody! But it does mean that at the end of the weekend, I'm happy to get my kids back and get back into life.

038THETA Tue 23-Jun-15 17:42:41

I hear you OP, I have very strong need for solitude, in a relationship but we live separately.
I found co habitation very stressful and draining, can't imagine ever doing it again! ‎

wallaby73 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:44:12

Introvert doesn't necessarily equal shy ..... But it does mean requiring more space and solitude to recharge empty batteries

038THETA Tue 23-Jun-15 17:44:41

I like having a partner but too much togetherness makes me feel suffocated

NKfell Tue 23-Jun-15 17:47:17

There is nothing wrong with wanting your own time and space- I'm the same and DP knows it. I'm also not particularly affectionate.

Isn't there a way to approach it without hurting his feelings? You know him best. Couldn't you say you don't feel like you have enough "me time"?

MrsDeVere Tue 23-Jun-15 17:54:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3mum Tue 23-Jun-15 18:17:15

I identify with a lot of what you say. I am not particularly shy and am perfectly sociable on my own terms (I like talks and one to one or small groups of friends, hate parties) I love my children dearly and enjoy their company BUT I need a lot of alone time too or I start to get overwhelmed; in fact I am about to go away for a week on my own because I just wanted a break.

I have learned to schedule alone time for myself as a necessity and not feel guilty about it. Thankfully as the children have got older and more self-sufficient, that time is easier to obtain.

I suggest that you look at whether you can structure your time to give you the peace that you need. FWIW i find social interaction easiest if there is something to do e.g. maybe take oldest child to an art gallery or a talk which takes the pressure off you.

pallasathena Tue 23-Jun-15 19:10:42

Totally relate. So much stuff comes at us these days - information overload from everywhere whether its social media, regular media, colleagues in work, family...there's no time to just chill and zone out for a bit.

I need 'me time,' otherwise I can't function at all. I get some by taking myself off to bed early and reading for two hours. Just me, a book, a closed door.

Its non-negotiable. My dh knows that bar fire or flood: do not disturb.

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Jun-15 19:13:01

I'm very similar to you OP, and it's got more intense as I've got older.

My son moved out a couple of years ago. I love having him to visit but I also look forward to him leaving again, so it's just me and the cat and peace and quiet.

I am happy to go out and see a small group of friends (or one on one) perhaps every 6 months. None of my friendship connections are deep. I can move on without a second thought.

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