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How to distinguish men who commit, to those who don't. Am I wasting my time?(9 Posts)
I have had a couple of long term relationships, and recently turned 31. As I was single I decided to get myself out there again, and I met someone online after a week. He is lovely to me - polite, genuine and seems extremely honest - at least when we talk he is very candid and upfront and his sincerity draws me to him more. We've seen each other a lot over the last 6 months, and after 2 dates he asked to be exclusive.
But...I want a family and a marriage. And here is my concern: he had a long term relationship that ended because he couldn't commit (his words!). She wanted marriage and a family and he 'wasn't ready.' They were together for 6 years. He tells me he wants all these things eventually/they are important to him, and says that things weren't always right with him and his ex, but also said he is a very careful person when it comes to these kids of life decisions. He's 34 so I feel a little like I may end up like his exDP, as in he won't change and it's not like he will suddenly be different with me, is it?
We have talked about this a little, and he just laughs it off and tells me he thins i'm incredible and i make him very happy. He also says things like 'with his ex he knew for a while it wasnt right etc.' But I don't feel I can tell him my full concerns, maybe I should....
My concerns are also based around my past relationships - two men who always talked about marriage and the future, but it never happened. I don't want to marry this man right now, or even this year, but if it carried on as it is, then in a year's time I think I would be more than ready.
Am I wasting my time?
I think all you can do is have a candid conversation with him about it.
My main concern is that this sounds kind of formulaic. You haven't said in your OP that you love him or why you'd like to settle down with him. Are you sure this is what you want from life?
What do you mean by formulaic? As in I want marriage and kids and it's irrelevant who with? that's not what I mean at all - he's the most amazing man I've ever met and I felt like I began to fall in love after only a couple of weeks.
Oh okay, I apologise. That wasn't clear to me in your op (you may have said this- I was reading/writing whilst my boisterous and teething one year old was wriggling around on my lap, refusing to nap!)
In this case then I would have a very frank conversation with your DP about what you want and where you see the relationship going/what you want in the next year or so. Then he will be in no grey areas about what you want and can, hopefully, be frank with you about what he wants.
Thanks for your reply. I'm just worried that regardless of what he says - he clearly knows what to say to make me feel loved and wanted - that deep down maybe he's just not the commitment type. After all, why would I be any different to his ex. I don't want to wait a year and find out nothing moves forward...then I will be nearly 33.
You love him and feel after six months you want to marry him. You also state your previous two relationships mentioned marriage but never materialised. Have you wanted to marry all three men in the same measure? I wonder if you want the marriage regardless of the man and I'm not doubting you find him amazing, the beginnings are always awesome (or should be) but if you love him genuinely what's the rush to put a status on your relationship with him? Genuine question.
Men will often date/cohabit women for years. Break up when pushed for 'commitment' only to marry someone else soon after. They do commit to the right person. Even George Clooney did in the end! Google it. If I could link an article I would.
Its too soon to mention it IMHO but that doesn't mean you have to sit it out for years. You will have to have that conversation eventually.
boots, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, nothing at all. But you need to be sure that you're on the same page as your guy.
I think 6 months is a bit soon to be asking him about marriage, so I'd give it a couple more months, then ask him where he sees your relationship heading.
Just because he didn't want to marry the other girl doesn't mean he won't marry you.
You should be glad he's a "careful" person and taking this seriously.
I hope you get the response you want....
Honestly, just because he couldn't commit to a relationship that failed doesn't mean that he won't commit to you. Put it this way: loads of people get married for the first time in their mid 30s or 40s.
He sounds like he's being completely sincere with you and understanding of your concerns. I would give it a bit more time. 6 months is too early for these discussions, and while it might seem wonderful and amazing to have those relationships where someone is proposing on the second date, wouldn't you worry just a bit about their motivation and the seriousness of their attitude if it actually happened?
You still have time to take this gently at 31. Don't be pressured by friends getting married into rushing a promising relationship. Equally, don't feel that because you're not yet married it's not absolutely as valid and important a relationship. My cousin is 40, and has been married 5 times and has cheated 5 times. That tells you everything you know about how seriously he takes this, and how meaningful that piece of paper is to him.
I'm not saying this for him, but for you - before you make a serious life decision, you need to be sure and I can't really see how you could be in such a short time.
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