I just want some advice really. My dh is a really good bloke. Really good. But for the past 8 months he's been depressed and things have changed. This weekend it all came to a head and I feel like a fool.
Relevant background? Both on our second marriages, early 40s. I have dcs from first marriage and we have 2 of our own. He does half of all childcare, housework when he's home.
We've had a rough year. I was pregnant with our youngest, there were complications for me and physically I struggled a lot, I'm gradually improving 6 months on, but it's been tough. Dh stepped up and got on with the physical side of things that needed doing, but had recently been signed of work with depression, and so needed an awful lot of emotional support.
But things were ok. He went to gp, started CBT counselling, ADs. We happily admitted this was a hard bit.
I found things hard when heavily pregnant and immobile and in pain, dh withdrew all affection from me. We talked about it often, but nothing really changed. I was struggling with my own MH issues but couldn't lean on him. When I tried to talk to him about things it always came back to his depression and me comforting him. So I stopped telling him when his actions upset me, because it always ended up worse for me than if I just got on with it. He was ill. It would get better. "This isn't forever" was and is my mantra.
Anyway, one of his issues is that he has very low self esteem. This weekend he asked me to set him up a POF profile and run it for him so that he could see that people did find him attractive. He said it didn't matter that I always told him I did, because I was biased, and he needed this boost.
He said this last thing Friday night, after an evening where we'd spent the whole time laughing, hugging, kissing, and I thought we were getting somewhere. I said I thought it was a bad idea, and he went to sleep.
I barely slept. The next morning, it felt like something snapped. How dare he ask me to put myself through the humiliation of finding random strangers to chat him up, just so he could get an ego boost? How dare he want strangers to desire him and not me? I was very upset.
We talked about it and he admitted that it hadn't even crossed his mind that I would be upset. In fact he hadn't even considered my feelings at all. After reflecting he admitted that he doesn't consider my feelings anymore, that when I encouraged him to put himself first and treat himself, it replaced how he used to treat me.
I hope that all makes some sense.
So now I look back over the past few months and so much makes sense. In may I started rape crisis counselling for what happened in my previous marriage, and he kept forgetting I was even going, then laying more things on me when I was already dealing with my own stuff. All the time I was putting him first he was not even considering me.
I tried to tell him a couple of months ago that I wasn't coping, I was hallucinating and worried I was going under with the stress of it all. Even that conversation ended with talking about how he was really going to start doing his CBT, and get better.
My dh is an amazing, good and lovely man. He has been there for me in the past in so many ways, just as I have for him.
He's promising to get back in the habit of thinking of me. I can't imagine getting out of that habit. That's what our relationship was built on, caring for each other. But he's ill and I should be making allowances, but I'm so hurt.
We had a rare night out the other week. He knew I was nervous going to a new place (he goes monthly), it's a musician night and he plays. Some other players invited us to join them, dh sat across both seats so I couldn't, so I just sat on my own. I have ASD and was struggling because I didn't know the etiquette and how I was supposed to behave so assumed I wasn't supposed to sit with them. Dh ignored me. It was horrible. He'd been so pleased that we had a babysitter and I could come. None of it made sense.
I'm really rambling now. There have been so many incidents like that in the past 6 months. I'd felt so unloved and unable to put my finger on why. Now it all makes sense.
I won't be treated as a second class citizen in my own home and in my own life. For years he has been good and kind and thoughtful.
Tell me it's just the depression and it'll go away?
Please be gentle.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can't quite believe I'm posting
HowDidWeGetHereSoQuickly · 23/06/2015 13:34
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