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Upset about all of this.(16 Posts)
My DP and I broke up recently. We broke up because our relationships just broken as hell. I don't want this though DP thinks I'm lying when I'm not and I'm being honest about my feelings for them. During our relationship I've lied about going out with freinds, and it has just killed our relationship. I feel like an idiot for doing it, because I felt threatened by their opinion of me and I didn't want the confrontation that came with it at the time. Through most of our relationship I've been a bit selfish and not considerate, not to mention damn right disrespectful. DP makes out like throughout our relationship I've purposely tried to hurt them. I've always loved them and made a lot of mistakes which I feel horrible about. I've spent quite a lot of time the time making up for everything. It's been very volatile lately we've been arguing in front of our son too much, I've been heartbroken and find it really difficult to put my feelings aside and not attempt to talk about thing's. Arguing gets really bad and DP starts hurting themself infront of me and our son and I find myself getting really pissed off that the arguing happens and crazy shit like that infront of him. I can't deal with not being with DP though I love them. Don't know what to do anymore..
It all sounds very unhealthy to me. I think you're better off apart. And that you should consider counseling to help you change the things about yourself that you want to change.
DP starts hurting themself infront of me and our son
This is very worrying. Are they in any danger?
I'm afraid from your post it sounds like you are forcing these arguments but not taking responsibility for them: I find it really difficult to put my feelings aside and not attempt to talk about thing's and I find myself getting really pissed off that the arguing happens. You are starting them but then annoyed?
I'm also afraid that if you've repeatedly lied during your relationship then it's going to be very difficult to persuade your DP that you're not lying now. Why should they believe you? If you want to rebuild trust you'd have to be entirely reliable and truthful from this point on, whilst accepting responsibility that your DP might never trust you again. Continuing to argue will not achieve this.
Through most of our relationship I've been a bit selfish and not considerate, not to mention damn right disrespectful
Then you need to now be utterly selfless, beyond reproach and do what's best for your DS. Continuing to argue will not achieve this.
I can't deal with not being with DP though I love them
Ultimately you need to accept it's not your choice. If your DP doesn't want to continue the relationship, that's their choice. Arguing against the choice won't help. As PP suggests, some individual counselling may help you figure a few things out.
It sounds better for all involved that you separate. Especially your son.
Thanks for the replies.
It does make sense now and I have been completely honest about everything since we argued about it like a month ago. DP just can't handle it.. I feel so terrible, because the lies were pointless and cost us our relationship. It's difficult when we talk about it it, because DP asks me to explain why I lied and I don't know why I did. Only thing I can put it down is to being scared of the reaction. How do I explain that to them though? It gets so frustrating because I can't get any words and across. I do feel I provoc DP and I let my desperation get to me. I've tried talking about it with DP, but I get so wound up with them listing everything wrong with me. I shouldn't of caused it. I'm just trying to deal with things respectfully and prove that I can be a better person. I really do love them and it's going to kill me being without them.
Thing is, you're talking all about you - how upset you are, how it will kill you to be without them....but your actions led to this. This is the consequence of your behaviour (which by the way does not sound like a one off event but a series....)
I have recently walked away from a relationship where he repeatedly let me down and ultimately lied several times. What i have since had is the "i can't live without you", "i'm so sorry " but a failure to accept he has led us to this point. If i went back, i know at some point he will do it again, as will you. Just seeing him is a reminder of what he's done and the pain he caused. And no amount of apology and claims of "i will change" (people rarely do) will wash anymore. i suspect this is where your ex is right now, yet you are showing no understanding of this, it's all about you forcing your agenda....and look what distress you are causing when you do this. To your ex and your son.
Get some self control, do them both a favour, learn from this and stay away from relationships until you can behave decently with integrity.
Are you the male in this relationship? You are using non-gendered pronouns so it feels like you're trying to disguise who the male/female is in the relationship.
I agree - just say he or she - no need for the air of mystery.
However I agree that this relationship is not healthy for your son.
Thing is, you're talking all about you - how upset you are, how it will kill you to be without them...
This is what I was thinking, and all of the time there's a child being exposed to this damaging behaviour.
Can you just say him or her? Sorry but it's annoying to read. No one cares if your lesbians or if you're a man and DP is female, or whatever, but 'them' makes no sense.
It's really hard to read when you write them instead of him/her
Nobody cares if you are male or female. But your relationship sounds toxic as fuck.
I agree it's confusing. If you wish to disguise the gender of your DP, just use DP, a random initial, or perhaps s/he.
I can see where a person's post would be mostly concerned with their own feelings (I, I, I) as they're writing down their own story, but you do need to stop and consider that it appears that you have done quite a bit of damage to the relationship. Why did you feel you had to lie? You say it was in fear of his/her reaction. Were you afraid of losing him/her? Were you afraid of violence? Were you in the habit of lying to avoid punishment in your childhood?
The problem is that one of the most destructive forces in a relationship is broken trust. There's not a whole you can do to try and change your DPs mind, other than be scrupulously honest in the future. But even then, trust is a gift we are given, you can't really demand it back just because you think you've 'done enough' to 'earn' it.
You have a son together with exDP so you know that you are a parent for life if not a partner forever.
If things are at rock bottom you can either fester there or go upwards. For your child's sake please get your priorities straight. Cut out the whining for what is lost and work out a way of being good parent material.
Prove from now on you can be reliable and responsible. Show a bit of humility. Accept boundaries. If there are financials to arrange, get sorted. You don't have to lavish gifts on a child, give your son time and give his mother a break. You gain trust by being trustworthy.
It's hard to understand your posts due to the use of 'them' My answer is the same no matter how your partnership is made up-it's completely unhealthy, especially for any child that witnesses the goings on, it is better for you to be apart, time is a great healer.
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