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Heart breaking, brain melting...

(20 Posts)
neverletgojack Tue 23-Jun-15 00:59:18

I'm a divorced single mum, I have two toddlers and since I was a teen I have had feelings about girls.

In my younger party days I would have no problem kissing a girl, because sure it was all a bit of fun when we were drunk.

But in recent years, it has become something more, something that I agonize over and over again in my head.
Seriously, could I not have been dealt a nice easy hand of cards, instead of battling with these feelings everyday.

I am starting to come around to the blatant fact that I am gay.
But my head and my heart are torn into pieces. I am so unbelievably terrified, not for myself but for my children if I was ever to come out, I would hate them to be bullied in school for something about me.

I really have no one to talk to about this, I havnt told anyone, not even my closest friend. I could really use some advice or support because I feel like this is tearing me apart inside.

Noneedtoworryatall Tue 23-Jun-15 01:02:32

Well done for posting op.

If it means anything to you, I recently voted yes in the referendum in Ireland for gay marriage.

I'm very proud to have been a small part of history and you should be proud of yourself too x

kittybiscuits Tue 23-Jun-15 01:04:28

Why are you fighting with yourself? It's no biggy. You seem to be terrifying yourself with worst case scenarios.

kittybiscuits Tue 23-Jun-15 01:05:16

You are brave. It's obviously a biggy to you.

PushingThru Tue 23-Jun-15 02:02:17

You have people to talk to here. I came out when I was 19, with typical teenage dramatic terror & fear. There are no easy hands of cards to be fair. We can only strive onwards & be true to ourselves.

kickassangel Tue 23-Jun-15 02:15:58

I teach in a school where we have a number of same sex parents and nobody even mentions it. I'm sure it feels huge for you to acknowledge this, and there will be some people who make remarks, but your kids are no more likely to be teased for this than if they have spots or red hair or some such.

Be kind to yourself, and try to be happy with who you are. I know a very confident and happy woman who married and had a kid, then divorced and has been with a female partner ver since. Her son is 20 and has had no particular difficulties because of it. Apparently he always puts the loo seat down, growing up with 2 mums makes it habit, he says.

TheyCallMeBell Tue 23-Jun-15 13:27:48

I came out when I was 30. My DD is now 10 and has barely batted an eyelid. Yes, I've had to teach her how to respond when people (mainly other kids at school) make comments, but there has only been one occasion in nearly 6 years where I've had to get involved. Even that was sorted out quickly. She's growing up knowing that equality and diversity are good things. I'm trying to teach her to be comfortable in her own skin and to help other be as well. It's liberating after the childhood I had (religion).

My friends were all amazing. My family were mostly supportive, it's taken a bit of getting used to for them, but we're all good now.

Being gay is not a big thing any more. Honestly, it's not. And the closet it a horrible place. Don't battle the feelings, embrace them. They are the real you.

MyGastIsFlabbered Tue 23-Jun-15 13:34:54

My mum came out when I was 15. My brother is also gay. Yes I experienced some unpleasantness because of it but I've never, ever blamed either of them for it. I'm 40 now and think people are way more accepting these days.

Please stop beating yourself up over this, you can't change who you are.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 23-Jun-15 13:52:37

Surely coming out doesn't require an announcement in the press, banner draped across your property, or you walking around with a placard?

Why not talk to your closest friend about your feelings and give consideration to going to lesbian events/venues alone or initially with her if she's up for going with you?

This may give you the confidence to tell family members. Your very young dc don't necessarily need to know of your sexual orientation until such time as you intend to introduce a prospective partner to them and presumably you are raising them to be gay aware/tolerant of same sex relationships.

FrancesNiadova Tue 23-Jun-15 14:11:50

I have a relative who, "came out".
Bonkers thing is, we all knew & weren't in the least bit surprised. I'm just glad that she has a wonderful partner who loves her & is happy. We, her family, know, but it isn't really anybody else's business.
Your toddlers are very young at the moment. If you do meet a special someone, introduce them slowly, like you would a straight partner, & they'll be so used to Mum's partner that they won't think twice about it. Chances are that the friends they grow up with won't bat an eyelid either.
My answer to anything sexist, homophobic, or racist is, "Really? How 19th Century of you. Good job we don't think like that now," hmm
That, plus the look usually stops 'em!
Good Luck ok flowers

FrancesNiadova Tue 23-Jun-15 14:12:35

Op, not OK; stupid Kindle! hmm

neverletgojack Tue 23-Jun-15 19:14:01

Thankyou all for the kind messages.

The inner struggle has been really hard probably because I havnt told anyone.
I dont doubt that my family will love and support me as I already have a few members of the extended family out of the closet.
Its just a scary thought because I have children, if I didnt I would be probably be singing it from the roof tops but my mama bear protective instinct is holding me back.

I know how silly I sound, I really do, I have many gay friends and I have been soon supportive of them all and see the love they are surrounded by, but never did it cross my mind that one day I would have to find the courage to do the same thing as them.

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Jun-15 19:17:15

Do you live in a very rural/provincial area? If so, honestly I'd move somewhere bigger and more cosmopolitan, it'll be miles better for your DC anyway.

GoldfishCrackers Tue 23-Jun-15 19:39:27

My DC go to a small village RC school. There are some kids there whose parents are gay. My DC don't see it as remarkable, and neither do any of their school friends afaik.
Can you talk to your gay friends about what you might expect? Wouldn't it be nice to be surrounded by love the way your gay friends are? Wouldn't your DC like that too? They might encounter some dickheads, but wouldn't it be worth it?

neverletgojack Tue 23-Jun-15 21:48:14

No I am not rural, I live in a big city. I am only battling against myself.

Need to grow some lady balls grin

thankyous all, I was so upset with myself and seeing such positive replies has really brightened my mood.
I'm meeting the bestfriend for coffee in the morning and I think I will finally get it off my chest. I know she will love me just the same, but the whole saying it out loud thing is a scary thought.

Chebs Tue 23-Jun-15 22:05:47

Neverletgojack, you are really very brave for posting and making a 'first step' - a lot of people will agonise over this for a lot longer.

My sister is gay. Actually two of my sisters are gay. And my dad.

My older sister is in a very happy long term relationship with her girlfriend, who has four boys. Wonderful, wonderful children, who have gone through their parents splitting up and coming to terms with their mother being in a same sex relationship. They absolutely adore my older sister, and are now all living together under one happy roof.

My dad came out after having a very troubled time accepting who he was, and is now in a long term relationship with his partner. My parents get on better now than they did when they were married!

Happy endings do happen xxx

textfan Wed 24-Jun-15 20:31:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatManic Wed 24-Jun-15 21:22:19

My DD is 15, and while I don't yet know what her orientation is (she is more likely to be found with her head in a book), the attitudes of her and her friends are great, in that she and her friends don't bat an eyelid over gay relationships. The PHSE education in schools, along with a lot of media stuff, has meant this generation see being gay as simply normal. DD thinks that people should just be allowed to be who they want.

I contrast this to my cousin, who is almost 60 (a lot older than me). I'm almost certain he's gay; has never married, not even a girlfriend, is very private, lives alone, or lived with his mum when she was alive, and nearly always has the same male friend with him. But nothing has been officially said, so I'm respecting his privacy but feel sad he has to hide it. But his age does mean he grew up while it was still frowned upon, so I can understand it.

thanks OP, I hope you can find happiness.

FolkGirl Wed 24-Jun-15 22:15:15

It sounds to me that the turmoil you're experiencing is more to do with you coming to terms with the realisation, rather than other people's, necessarily.

Reality is, I know a gay man who has a daughter. My children went to my friends' same sex wedding last year. They are planning a child.

For other people, this will be no more than a, "you'll never guess what, Jack's gay?" "Really? I didn't know" "me neither. Coffee?"

And you know what they say, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Reallyfedupmum Thu 25-Jun-15 19:15:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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