Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WWYD in this situation? Ex & his cheating partner.

(9 Posts)
MrsJayGatsby Mon 22-Jun-15 16:13:45

Ex & I have always had a relatively good relationship, he is my dc's dad and although he has at times behaved outrageously towards me I have tried my hardest to keep the relationship civil. We broke up around 5 years ago when our youngest child was 6 months old. As I say, over the years things have sometimes been difficult but overall I'd say we were quite good friends, we've spoken to each other about relationship issues etc and have been on evenings out together.

Last year he entered into a relationship with a woman (S) who he'd known vaguely for a few years. She has children the same age as mine who are at the same school, so I knew who she was but had never spoken to her. He seemed happy, I was happy for him and me & this woman actually became quite good friends, spending time together when the dc were at school, and we all went out together (with & without the children) a couple of times. At the start of this year, S had what she said was a one night stand with an old friend of hers, a man I know of and have met once or twice in the past. She didn't tell ex immediately, but then found out she was pregnant & had to come clean. She ended the pregnancy, ex forgave her & they seemed to carry on as normal.

Then last month S suggested we join a gym together, she went and visited a gym local to us (they live up the road from me) and we joined up. This was just before half term, so we didn't actually get chance to go as the children were off school. Half way through half term, ex, S, and her children went to visit a friend of hers a couple of hours away and weren't back when the dc went back to school. I went to the gym by myself, and soon realised that the man S had cheated on ex with worked at the gym. We got talking, like I said I did sort of know him, and I mentioned that ex & S were still away visiting her friend (just in passing conversation - I assumed he knew they'd stayed together). He looked a little confused, and later sent me a message on facebook saying that he had been seeing S since the start of the year, he had no idea S & ex were still together, and that she had been messaging him while they were away. He showed me one of the messages from her telling him how much she missed him.

This obviously came as a shock to me as well as this man, and he has since told me that he has made it clear to S that he wants nothing more to do with her, although I obviously don't know the exact conversations they've had. S knows that I know, as he told her. They're back from visiting her friend now, and have announced that they are thinking (seriously) about moving to the city they were staying in. I've barely seen S, only a couple of times on the school run and she is obviously very distant with me, and I with her.

I have no idea what to do. I feel like as ex & I have always been so close I should tell him, I know he'd believe me and I know that I wouldn't be made out to be trying to cause trouble. I am certain of this. But is it my place to say anything? Now this other man has (apparently) ended things with S should I just leave things be? I know ex would be heartbroken, but I also know he'd be incredibly hurt if he finds out in the future, and then finds out that I knew. Can I let him move away from his children with a woman who has betrayed him for 6 months of their relationship? Can anybody offer any advice? Because this is constantly on my mind and I don't know where to go from here.

Cabrinha Mon 22-Jun-15 16:23:53

Of course you should tell him!
S knows you know. You have S's other boyfriend's fb message to show you're not stirring.

I think it's especially relevant that your ex is about to compromise his proximity to his/your children for this car crash. Why put them through that?

You says he's a friend, how could you NOT tell a friend?

Honestly though, I'm hmm that you're friends with and hang out with someone who has treated you badly. I'm not one for hatred to all exes, especially with kids. But friends? Why?

Bogeyface Mon 22-Jun-15 17:13:06

Print off the Facebook message along with a note from you saying that you got chatting with the guy at the gym and he told you that he was still seeing S, that you are not shit stirring but are presenting him with the information so he can decide what, if anything, to do with it.

Dead Mon 22-Jun-15 17:19:14

You have a responsibility to your children here I would think. He needs to know. But be prepared that gf has got in first.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-15 17:19:18

In this scenario, I would tell him

Then extricate yourself, sharpish

This all seems a bit close for my liking

MrsJayGatsby Mon 22-Jun-15 19:00:00

I do get that the relationship between ex & I may seem weird, but my mum & dad have always been close even though they split up when i was very young and i feel like that had a positive effect on my growing up. That being said, I am now trying to distance myself from him due to yet another fuck up on his part (unrelated to the issue I'm talking about in this thread).
I think I've always known, since i found out (about 2 weeks ago) that I have to tell him, so thank you all for confirming that.

I do think S has told him something, although I don't know exactly what. He's made a couple of comments that made me think he knew something but when I questioned him he wouldn't go any further. I'll tell him. This is going to be awful sad

AnyFucker Mon 22-Jun-15 19:24:37

it wouldn't be "weird" if you weren't getting drawn into shitty situations liek this

keep your distance in future would be my advice...other people's drama (whether ex's or not) is never going to enhance your own life

goddessofsmallthings Mon 22-Jun-15 19:40:50

I hope you intend to tell him face to face and that, when doing so, any discussion of his latest unrelated fuck up can be avoided.

While you are to be applauded for endeavouring to remain on good terms with your ex which is and will continue to be beneficial for your dc, it's not necessary for you to engage in evenings out with him and whatever girlfriend he has at any given time, nor is it desirable for you to become overly friendly with the latter.

springydaffs Tue 23-Jun-15 00:20:14

It may not be right for you, goddess, but it's clearly right for op. I should think it's her business.

Bad luck op. Hope it goes alright.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now