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Need your thoughts on this please

(14 Posts)
Allinuse Mon 22-Jun-15 14:57:02

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way at all but I just do. Background is I've been in a relationship for a year and a half and we now live together. Very happy part from this one thing. I'm not sure I'm his type physically. I don't feel like he fancies me madly and I keep thinking he would fancy other women a lot more.
I can't work out where this has come from. Is it something I'm sensing or is it because before him I had a four year long very sexually charged relationship albeit emotionally abusive. The weird thing is I don't even want that sort of over sexed relationship ever again it's just I think I would like to feel he wanted it iykwim.

Cynara Mon 22-Jun-15 16:05:12

It's difficult to know what to say without knowing a bit more about the situation. For instance, is this the way you've felt since the start of your relationship? If not, has something changed (frequency of sex, frequency of him initiating intimacy, any comments/suggestions made by him), do you feel that you know what his 'type' is, or do you just mean generally that you don't think it's you, iyswim?

lostinnormandieland Mon 22-Jun-15 16:12:21

We tend to have triggers. Sometimes dating back to our childhood. Have you looked at the Freedom programme if you are in England?

Joysmum Mon 22-Jun-15 16:15:21

It's a difficult one because your measure of what's 'normal' may be skewed from your previous abusive relationship.

One thing I would suggest is that you try to confide these fears to him and you both talk them through rationally.

Communication really is the foundation of any relationship, he needs to know you well to reassure you. You need to know he knows the real you including your insecurities and that he loves you no matter what.

Please, talk to him explain that you don't know if there's a problem but that you would like to talk things through.

Zillie77 Mon 22-Jun-15 16:24:00

Different men have different styles, don't you think, in everything from the way they dress to the way they express attraction? Some men will pinch you on the bum when you walk by and some men are much more quiet in their appreciation.

If you are having a nice physical relationship, I think you can assume that he likes you physically. I am sure that my husband would love it if I had enormous breasts, but does that mean I run out to get clown-sized implants? You don't need to be a man's ideal physical type to be an ideal partner for him.

I agree that talking with him will probably do a lot to assuage your concerns. Maybe things were a bit over-the-top in your last relationship and you have lost perspective, as Joy remarked.

MatildaTheCat Mon 22-Jun-15 16:54:27

Well he fancies you enough to want to live with

I agree we don't have much to go on here, ie do you have examples of him showing that he finds you unattractive? Or is it simply a matter of him being different to your ex? If so then I would suggest counselling to examine why this is or rather to help you change your way of thinking.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 22-Jun-15 17:34:32

Do you equate sex with love? Do you believe that the more a man initiates sex with you the more they must love you, or that a man who finds you sexually attractive will continually want to initiate sex with you?

Do you define 'desirability' purely in terms of your sexual attraction to others and theirs to you?

While sex is an important part of intimate relationships, it isn't the be all and end all and wanting to be at it like rabbits in order to demonstrate love and commitment usually indicates some deep rooted insecurity inherent in one party or the other.

Allinuse Tue 23-Jun-15 07:43:35

I think I'm just feeling old having hit a certain landmark birthday. I also have two long term health conditions which mean I have a lot of health issues and very little energy. It makes me feel old before my time and not very exciting. I try to keep cheerful but am not always very good at it. I have the words of my ex ringing in my ears " I have to deal with your illness on a daily basis"

I have tried to voice my feelings to DP I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from he just says I can't help being ill and he still loves me

I also hate it when he notices other women when we are out and about they are invariably younger than me and I know I'm assuming when I say they are fitter than me but it's just how I feel. I worry that he will think this is what he signed up for when he moved in

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Jun-15 09:15:13

Well... he's likely to notice attractive women, just as you might admire an attractive man who is younger than and different from your ex; not because you want them instead, but because they're nice to look at. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. A horse, a car, a beautiful human being... Is he just, you know, seeing them or is he blatantly ogling? Because the latter would be disrespectful and kind of pathetic. (There was a poster on here a few weeks go whose ex went out of the way to stare at other women when he was out with her, on one occasion leaning past her in the car so that he could get a good long look at someone in the next car along. He also said in so many words that he had to date women her age because younger ones wouldn't take him. "Get rid" was the pretty unanimous advice.)

Allinuse Tue 23-Jun-15 09:23:55

I get a bit upset about it so I think I'm possibly at risk of judging noticing as ogling so I'm not really sure. It's enough to make me notice he's noticed iykwim. I have seen a very slight turn of his head at joggers ect

Cynara Tue 23-Jun-15 10:03:58

From what you're saying I'm getting the impression that this has more to do with your ex than your current partner. If you were made to feel that your health conditions were a burden to him "I have to deal with your illness on a daily basis" I think it's very natural that you would carry that insecurity into a subsequent relationship. The fact that your current partner doesn't seem to know where you're coming from when you raise this with him indicates to me that he doesn't see a problem, and is happy and content with the way things are.
I understand that him looking at other women upsets you, but it sounds like he could be acting pretty normally, as Annie says, and it's because you are hyperaware of the possibility of him fancying other people that you're noticing. I've caught my DP glancing at women loads of times, he doesn't know he's doing it and I don't care because I know he loves me and finds me attractive.
Did you go straight from the relationship with your ex into this one? Is it possible that you haven't come to terms with what went wrong last time enough to start afresh with a new partner?

Allinuse Tue 23-Jun-15 10:46:21

I think you are right cynara I was made to feel a burden he used it as a stick to beat me with whilst at the same time saying things like i'l always look after you and trying to make me feel I was reliant on him. I did meet current partner quite quickly but they are chalk and cheese.

I think I probably am hyper aware that he might fancy other people so I'm noticing things more. I am aware that I must be quite wearing to live with at times. I also think that from childhood I was made to feel a bit of a nuisance

Cynara Tue 23-Jun-15 11:23:44

Well, it's clear that your self esteem has taken a lot of knocks, and I mean this very kindly but it really does sound as though the things that you're worried about have far more to do with the way you feel about yourself than the way your partner feels about you.
Does he tell you nice things about yourself? Do you tell him/show him that you find him attractive? Just wondering if you feel that the relationship as a whole is a bit undemonstrative or whether it's more of a one-way thing?

Allinuse Tue 23-Jun-15 11:56:05

It is a demonstrative relationship lots of handholding cuddles and he does say nice things to me. He does find it difficult to find the right words to say when I'm having an off day but he does try to take care of me. So it's probably not him at all. I think I just feel unlovable due to a combination of things in childhood (poor bonding with mother when little) and the way past relationships have gone

The last relationship particularly he used to say all sorts of things to bring me down including he wasn't going to put up with my shit anymore whenever we disagreed, frequently walking out and leaving ect often to be on the phone five minutes later to carry on the argument. I think it's left a huge legacy in my head actually. To add insult to injury he is thought of as alovely guy by loads of people. He doesn't live in my town thank god but I am aware he's just done done a massive fundraising event and is being hailed as some sort of superhero. I think people need to know the real him, or it just makes me think maybe I WAS the problem all along like he kept saying

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