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What to about dds birthday?

(9 Posts)
BirthdayDilemma Mon 22-Jun-15 12:34:50

Have nc and changed a few details.

It's dds first birthday soon.

I was just going to do some kind of family gathering rather than a party. However probably needs to be something even smaller as we live in a one bed apartment so no room or do something a bigger deal so there's enough people to warrant a hall for example.

However, Our families don't really 'gel'.
My mum and dad aren't together and dad won't go to anything my family goes to as he says he doesn't like parties / groups of people, but I think it's that he doesn't want to see my mum - but he won't budge, think any really important event for me he won't go to.
But his parents will, my gps. But don't want my dad to miss out. I know I shouldn't care as if he wanted to come he would but I hate it groups of strangers too so I know where he's coming from.

My pil act fine around my mum (not met my dad), but in arguments between my dp and his parents they have slagged off my mum terribly so I don't want her being nice to them or giving them any time when they've been so nasty about her.

So basically I can't be bothered with a big fuss for dds birthday but yet want to do something nice for her and for me and dp to look back on.

So do I just spend her birthday visiting everyone separately? Then do something nice with dp and her on another day? Do I say something like we're going to a zoo, if you want to come too then come? Or tell pil to come in morning, mum in afternoon? My GP whenever? Dad probably wouldn't come.
Do I make a big fuss at a hall and just make everyone get along and if dad doesn't want to come fine he can visit in the evening or something? My only issue with a hall is that I think it's horrible that pil will be all lovely to my mum (and my mum will be back) but they've said horrible things about her (which she knows as whilst the argument was unfolding my mum was giving us advice and then they said the things about her so she knows what they've said but they don't know she knows) - she is happy to see them for the sake of dd but I'm finding it harder to be ok with pil playing happy families when they've acted the way they have about my mum when my mum hasn't ever said anything bad about them - (her advice to Dp was very fair and diplomatic and she was trying get dp to see it from all angles)

Christmas Eve was spent driving separately to all the families houses to see extended family and dad and my gps. Then Christmas Day was rushed as spent morning here opening presents then pil for lunch then my mum in evening. Don't want her birthday to be like that.

So basically what do I do for her birthday?
My mum and pil would be gutted to not see her, so they have to see her. But I just don't know how to make it all work without us getting stressed out.

If you got this far, thank you.

Cabrinha Mon 22-Jun-15 12:40:05

In the kindest possible way, calm down!
It's just a birthday, your daughter doesn't even know. Many parents don't bother doing anything!

Firstly, deep breath. Then decide what YOU want to do. You, your baby, your partner. Then arrange to do that, together. Enjoy time in your own special family unit.

Everyone else... if you don't really care (like your father) leave it to them to ask. If you do care (like your mother) just ask her to come for tea and cake and cuddles at home from 17:00. Give a different time or day to PIL.

She 1, she doesn't need a "party" smile
And you don't need the stress!

Marchhairy Mon 22-Jun-15 12:40:58

We did a small family gathering for DS' first. Most didn't bother coming and those that did just point scored off each other so now we do days out- museums, national trust, the zoo. Much more enjoyable and stress free. A cake will last a while so you can always do a cake then have relatives over or see them and give them cake so they have been included.
Apart from your mum and grandparents the rest don't sound like they deserve to spend / be given chance to ruin your Dds birthday.

thegreylady Mon 22-Jun-15 12:45:00

Make it all about your dd and do something she would love soft play, farm, zoo whatever. Make that early afternoon after her nap. Then book somewhere with a play area for tea and invite interested grandparents to meet there for cake and a cuppa. If anyone doesn't want to then they can come to your place on another day. Arrange to take a birthday cake but ask venue to do afternoon tea (they may even supply the cake if you wanted). Your baby's first birthday is not about adult silliness.

karigan Mon 22-Jun-15 13:14:51

I agree with the above replies- you are setting the tone now for subsequent birthdays. You are dead on, the day shouldn't be spent shuttling between different groups of people trying to please them all. It's her birthday- do something that she will enjoy.

dontcryitsonlyajoke Mon 22-Jun-15 13:35:51

Focus on what you want to do for your DD. All 3 of my DCs have had a day with just our immediate family (farm trips) and then have also seen grandparents and uncles/aunts on or near the birthday. DS has just turned one and we had a day out just the 5 of us, then the next day had a birthday tea with PILs and then next weekend with my parents (they couldn't come nearer his birthday due to work). You don't need to do one event - a birthday season is the way to go often for logistical as well as emotional reasons!

Our families always see our DCs around birthdays but rarely on the actual day, and this is fine. The older 2 quite like having more than one present opening and cake session ;)

BirthdayDilemma Mon 22-Jun-15 13:40:34

Thank you everyone.
I just don't want anyone to be sad they didn't get to see her on her birthday. My mum lives an hour and a half away and doesn't drive so we would have to visit there so I'm wondering if I just visit pil in morning for an hour or so then spend the day doing something for dd then visit mum in the evening? Dad can see her another day and grandparents I'll visit maybe the next day or something? Or do we just go to a zoo / farm for the day and if people want to see her they'll come at some point? But then everyone's paying to get into a zoo and still have that thing of pil/mum together.

justnippingin Mon 22-Jun-15 13:49:49

Invite the family members, let them decide whether or not they choose to accept your kind invitation. Forget the she doesn't like him, he doesn't like her, let them get on with it.

Sweetsecret Mon 22-Jun-15 14:24:05

Take her to soft play or something. my DD didn't have a birthday party until she was five.

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