Lonely with no real friends, what to do?

[Loo5125]

Hi.

I'm 25. I have the same circle of friends as I did from being 15 back at secondary school. Nobody seems to get along any more and I feel stuck. There were 6 of us - we had a big argument with one which led to 3 of us cutting contact with her (one friend, we will call her A, has since got back in touch). Another one has moved abroad, we will call her B.

Friend B and myself used to be good friends. Since I fell out with A, she has kind of cut me off. Ignores anything I put on social media but will 'like' everybody elses stuff. Friend A is who i would class as my best friend but she constantly winds me up and makes out as though I leave her out with another girl, who we will call C. It's all very petty, and she is on medication for depression etc. I do not leave her out. she gets invited everywhere but will not come. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of A and C.

We are all 25. I feel like I am back at school. Constant arguing and pussy footing around one another. This morning, A has been winding me up. Going on about how she plans to visit B abroad and so on. I know she wants me to bite but i won't.

In all honesty, I want nothing to do with these girls no more. I am at work crying because I feel so stressed and upset with it all. But I have nobody else to go to. I have other friends in the sense of speaking on Facebook etc but nobody I would ever go shopping or clubbing with or anything like that.

I don't have a boyfriend and my siblings all live abroad or in different parts of the country. My mum died when I was a teenager and I miss having her to speak to about things like this.

I don't know what to do. I was tempted to just not speak or make any contact with anyone for a week and see if they ask if I'm okay. To which I will say no, and how it is upsetting me.

I just feel so stuck in a circle of 'friends' who I do not want to be friends with as they make me feel so rubbish.

[AngryBeaver]

Hi honey.
You do sound a bit lost. I can relate.
I'm on the other side if the world with no family or 'roots'.
Hmm. Is the any possible mates at work?
I think you need to be a bit brave here and start side stepping away from the group. You don't need to cut them off totally? Just be in the periphery.
How about mumsnet local meet ups?

[Loo5125]

I work but everybody is significantly older than me, I think the closest to my age is 11 years older and we have very different lives! I just look at other girls my age and their circles of friends and feel jealous inside as they are all grown up and have moved on from the pettiness my friends seem to have.

It really is so childish. It is depressing me.

I have my own hobbies, such as the gym and I run frequently - entering runs myself and so on, but I just feel very lonely. I'm quite a shy, quiet person and have probably let people walk over me in the past, so they haven't changed. I have gained some confidence in recent years which I don't tnink some people like. I'm just so upset by it all :(

[Loo5125]

Sorry, I said in my original post since I fell out with A but I didn't mean A, I just meant the other girl.

[mistymeanour]

Do you have any interests that you could follow up by joining a club. The site Meetup will probably have interesting things you can join in locally. Could you do a course that would boost your job prospects or help you move into other fields but would also allow you to socialise with a different group. Volunteering is a good way to meet people.

Does your Gym run social nights? You could join a running club or attend Parkrun.

[Loo5125]

There is a parkrun at my local park, I guess I don't really know how to approach people to make ffriends though as they'll already be with their friends? :<br />
We have a weekend away booked in August, just myself and friend A, and she is complaining how she cannot afford no more and stuff. I asked if she wanted to go and she replied "ye y" (that exact reply!) and i said i was just wondering and she said "lol".

I am sick of this. I try so hard to keep people happy and I just cannot cope. It's emotionally draining x

[knickernicker]

Gradually cut ties with them. You won't like them any more in the future than you do now.
I agree about volunteering e.g. for a food bank. Go to the WI. They're quite trendy now. Go to Yoga. Check if there's a book club nearby. They're good for a chat.
I would love to be a s young as you, at an age where you have time to make and build new friendships.

[jesy]

Try with the people at work , I don't have many friends in fact only one I could call right now in tears and he'd be there for me. It's the oddest friendship ever but he a friend
(Bf , not included)
But sometimes age is irrelevant , when I went to uni the group was varied in age but we got on well .
Give them a try

[regretsihaveafew]

I can totally relate to you. It seems like you are being toyed with, they pick you up if you are there, then not bothered when you aren't of use. They are playing one against the other...mind games. Facebook can be like a playground.

I'm quiet and shy too, with little support so need people more than they need me usually...... and this has happened to me numerous times. I've learnt to walk away from people who make me feel bad when I've spent time with them.

Certain types of people hone in on vulnerable people, as if they sniff it out. You are there for when they choose to pick you up and put you down. It makes them feel superior and 'strong'. Sounds like you are walking on eggshells too...a sign that the other party has some personality problem/issue. Don't be their punchbag.

I've done the whole 'no contact and see if they miss me or care'. It doesn't work on these personalities. They aren't that bothered, maybe only to wonder where their taxi has gone. And it can leave you feeling worse and paranoid.

The effect on your self esteem will not be good for you, you will feel used, anxious, envious, stressed and upset...as you say you already are. You should not be crying.

These people know you're mother has died and they treat you like this? It's disgusting.

You are right it is so childish and you sound much more mature. And you seem ready not to have anything to do with all this rubbish any more.

I know how hard it is to walk away, but the feeling of being in control of your life and the freedom to make your own way in life without being pushed and pulled about....is life enhancing and self affirming. You will be free to meet more mature friends. [Many suggestions on here].

Just back off initially, no need to lose total contact but know you deserve more respect, more mutual friendships, and don't play their childish games. Deep breath and believe in yourself....take steps to meet other people your age whatever place you decide to join....make those phone calls, read about local activities, classes, go on a single holiday etc. etc.

[jesy]

I think I'm one of the invisible people,like op you do your best to be liked and just get walked on.

Op sounds like me , you see stuff on fb and it gets you down they all having fun but are they really ??

[Laladeepsouth]

I don't really have any specific advice to offer -- other than to agree with the other posters who have given you good advice. Yes, begin to detach from these people. (I also agree that if their lives were truly full and exciting they would not be spending so much of their time on you.) They are stealing your youth, your time, your energy, and your future. I really do believe that if you remove them from your life, you will find that your outlook will change and you'll begin to be able to focus on yourself and not on them.

Certain people simply love to keep others off balance and upset. They are intensely selfish and shallow and just must keep themselves as the center of attention, for good or ill -- doesn't really matter as long as they are being listened to and acquiesced to. Someone I worked with once called this a "spirit of confusion" that some people carry along with them and it's frequently quite destructive or, at best, spirit draining to others.

Best of luck to you, OP. You sound like a lovely person. I agree with joining a book club or taking a class or the like to get started and to help you focus on your own interests and your own life.

[prorsum]

Please try to make new friends and give yourself time whilst doing so. Think of any interest you have and join clubs, groups, whatever; it's a start.

Definitely detach form this group of people, you sound like you've outgrown them tbh, but take your time doing that as well.

[Lindor2828]

Hi Loo, I actually wrote a very similar post a few weeks ago. I Know what lonely feels like...I have no contact with my mum, no partner, very few friends...I'm also the same age as you.

I'd love to have friends who I could call any time or go shopping with. Like you I do have friends I talk to and meet up with, but it's mainly with the kids, not grown up stuff! When my dd is with her dad I end up sitting in on my own! I hate to think I'm young and life is passing me by and I'm leading such a boring life!

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I think we do meet more friends as we go through life, and when you get a parter more friends may come then, that's what I'm hoping anyway!!

[jesy]

Your not alone , I have a bf and a good mate but I'd love a female friend to chat to go shopping ect.
I made a plea I guess to see a mate I used to work with, but where she wanted to go not within walking distance and despite her having to drive passed my house not even an offer of a lift.

I just wanted to say it's frustrating and lonely but your not alone.

[Loo5125]

Thank you for all the replies. I have once again made an effort today, friend A has a free house in a few weeks due to her parents on holiday and she said we could watch movies and make tea etc. I mentioned it today and said I would cook us tea and she replied saying "nah we will be too tired after work plus you have to go to the gym" - i feel this is a bit of a dig, i have lost a lot of weight and i am rather obsessive about my health now whereas she is a size 20 something and does moan about her weight. Many people have said she is jealous but she doesn't let me help her and it's not my fault that she is that size :(

I have however made plans to go for dinner with a couple of old school friends in a fortnight x

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

Well done you for catching up with other people.

I would definitely suggest a running club and Parkrun, I know loads for people who do it and have got hooked in because they are so friendly and inclusive. For most people it's the running side of things that's intimidating, but if you're already running then you'll be fine. And you'll be able to talk without going purple and out of breath and feeling like you're going to collapse or maybe that's just me!

What about a team sport, netball or rowing or something? That would be really good to give your new fitness kick a boost, but also get you involved in meeting a new group of women. Again, they all seem very sociable.

[jesy]

Broken

I could have written that, yes I have a bf , but he is very busy with new job at moment.

I have one good mate but it's once a week ,yet again. He busy but he said your comment I try my best with people but they walk over me.

Prime example spent months helping my former friend 21st , took her shopping, helped pick up decorations ect but I didn't get an invite .

[WingsofNylon]

Definitely seek out some new people even if you do still stay involved in the old friendships. As others have suggested, running clubs and oyher meetups are a great opportunity. If you are shy make sure you go regularly. Regulars always ebd up in the group even if quiet. Also, from the perspective of someone who is perceived as outgoing (people tell me I am) if someone tells me they are a little shy I make an effort to include them. It might feel like an embarrassing thing to say but it helps. My mum is extremely introverted and she started doing this a few years ago and people respond very well.