My db, my dm and myself have been nc with my father for 13 years. He was an emotionally abusive narcissistic alcoholic and we are all very happy to not have him in our lives. I was 18 the last time i saw or spoke to my father and since we have been nc, I have married, bought a home and had children. I'd like to think my mum is proud of me, we have a great relationship and my db is lovely also. I am carrying the scars from my childhood, I have low self esteem, I struggle to speak up for myself and panic at the thought of confrontation. I guess that's what you get when you tiptoed on eggshells for your entire childhood.
Anyway, I'm getting to the point in my life where actually I don't really think about F too much anymore, the odd random memory might pop up or today for instance I have wondered where he is and if he's thought about us. But it's not the heavy dark cloud above my head that it was for such a large part of my 20's. My db and I have spoken openly in the past about the abuse we suffered and it has bought us closer I believe but today he said something that surprised me which I have never really considered before - He forgives F. Db feels that he can achieve more in his life if he's free of his demons and forgiving F is the way to do this. I said i think that's great for him and we all have to manage and cope as best we can of course, but is it wrong that I don't want to do the same?
I kind of feel that if I forgive him I'm letting him off and I don't think he deserves that. If it's relevant, as a parent I can't understand how anyone could despise their kids the way that our father despised us - db has no children and so he maybe can't look at it from exactly the same angle.
So will I ever be truly over this if I don't forgive? I have worked really hard to move on in my life and build a good solid foundation for my children. I'm not sure my head or my heart could cope with going back to it all in order to do any forgiving.
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Relationships
Forgiveness.
DonnaMoss · 21/06/2015 20:36
Forgiveness is much easier if the perpetrator expresses remorse. Then there is open acknowledgement that wrong has been done, it is now regretted and by the perpetrator asking forgiveness they are specifically acknowledging the wrong specifically done to you.
However, if your f does not acknowledge the wrong he has done then your work of forgiveness is made harder. It may be easier to talk to a counsellor or priest and if you want to try to forgive, to mark that outwardly with some kind of ritual, not necessarily religious, to denote the decision that you have decided to let go of the hurt and pain.
It would not mean that you don't remember of course, but I suppose every time a memory came to you, you would balance it with the love and empathy of forgiveness. You could try to acknowledge that we are all flawed and make dreadful mistakes in your mind and perhaps try to muster some affirmative and loving thoughts for yourself as that child and as an adult and parent now.
Not sure if any of that would be helpful. In something of the same position myself. But I don't think I even want to have a stab at forgiving yet 
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