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Do I have a problem with my emotions/relationships? Don't understand myself.

(8 Posts)
underyourown Sun 21-Jun-15 11:40:45

I went on a date last Tuesday with a really lovely man (been seeing him regularly for about a month). He is average in terms of looks, (that sort of thing doesn't bother me, though), and I wasn't massively attracted to him physically, but by the end of the evening my stomach was full of butterflies as I liked him more and more, the more I've got to know him.

He's a very honest person and as such, he tells me quite intimate things about his feelings and views on things. I love these types of conversation, and I love a good debate, but there comes a point where I suddenly feel embarassed and want to push men like him away. I can't explain it really, I'm not embarassed in their presence, but afterwards, when I think through what was said and I start to cringe a bit, even though I know in my mind that the topics of conversation and just very mature and honest and open.

I am VERY open with partners after a certain amount of time, and so his attitude is great to me - BUT, I have a tendancy to want to 'work' for someone as well. In the past my two long term relationships have failed because I went for men that were into the chase and I played the game well. This guy doesn't do that and I feel a bit scared by it. This is what makes me wonder if I have an emotional issue, in the sense that I am more comfortable with men who arent sure of me or who put on an act (even when I know they do it) becasue I know that it distances myself from them.

Maybe none of this makes sense, but if anyone understands where I am coming from, any advice would help!

pastmyduedate0208 Sun 21-Jun-15 11:54:43

Not an emotional problem on your part, no. In fact you seem very insightful and sure of your emotions.
You sound normal actually. Not everyone goes for the heart-on-sleevetotally open about everything type of bloke. That can be a bit much.
Some people prefer a more reserved type.
Not me personally, i can't stand the sort of typical macho bloke who holds back or plays games, keeps u guessing blah blah.
Maybe you are young? I am mid 30's and gave up that macho type for a more poetic expressive life with a very open talkative read-able sensitive man.
This new man you have met sounds alright! But if he's not for you, don't mess him about too much.

underyourown Sun 21-Jun-15 11:58:25

I'm 28...is that young?!

I like him a lot, but I feel confused and frustrated when I provoke him to talk about these things and then I start to allow these feelings of cringing to creep in. It's as if I'm not mature enough to handle the complete honestly and lack of games... BUT, after my last 2 relationships, he seems so different and in th elong-term that's who I want, someone like him. Maybe I just need to push through this part, as if we'd been together a while, I would be 100% ok and happy with his approach.

pastmyduedate0208 Sun 21-Jun-15 12:13:44

Yeah if he's not your usual type of man, you might feel weird / embarrassed.

Give it a try for a bit, as its probably nerves too, but maybe he's just not your type. 28 is young! smile

Frostycake Sun 21-Jun-15 12:14:20

Hard to say without knowing more.

How old is he? What is his status? (divorced? solvent? Employed?)

Are you worried that he's trying to force an intimacy that isnt there yet, or are you worried that he's spinning you a sob story and is the dependent type?

Can you tell us what he 'disclosed' that made you so uncomfotable?

underyourown Sun 21-Jun-15 12:20:36

He's 33. Never married but had a couple of serious relationships. Very solvent!

No, not really that. More that he's quite a genuine person and doesnt sugar coat things really. He mentioned his weight quite a bit (he's NOT overweight but maybe has a little extra around the middle!), and I found it strange as he has an incredibility well respected job yet is insecure in this sort of way. I've never ever been with a man who was insecure like that so it made me a bit uncomfrtable, but also made me think he was a nice person as well.

Specific comments that made me uncomofrtable...the above I guess, and then other things like constantly making sure I am ok and happy and when we went for dinner he asked about 4 times if the restaurant was ok etc. it's really sweet but i've just not experienced it before, (past bfs have treated me well so i'm used to that aspect!), but it doesnt marry up with how he is professionally - confident, repsected, self assured.

MiniTheMinx Sun 21-Jun-15 12:39:37

I guess its that early romance thing, the frizzon when one meets an unknown quantity, where you just get glimpses of what lies beneath the surface, or behind the exterior, and let your mind wander filling in the gaps. Of course people who are open, emotionally literate and honest, who don't play games spoil it a little bit! It should be a game, and as long as everyone acts with integrity and plays to share the winnings, its all quite OK. And yes in order to sustain a relationship one needs deeper disclosure and to create emotional intimacy...later.

I find it all very tiring, and think your chap sounds fab. I prefer men who are in touch with their feelings, who understand themselves, who are not so damned afraid they hide behind some men don't cry facade, who think confusion and games is the way to get you, or worse just play silly games for the sheer hell of it.

Just enjoy it.

Frostycake Sun 21-Jun-15 12:40:17

How do you know he's professionally confident, respected, self-assured? Do you work together?

He could just be putting on a show at work to fit it. Perhaps he's a B Type personality.

I always think that disclosure should be reciprocal and gradual, otherwise, as youve found out, it's uncomfortable.

Have you slept together yet or could he be 'preparing' you for this?

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