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Ex is drug user and wants access

(18 Posts)
Mumanddadtoone Sun 21-Jun-15 11:24:53

Hi, I've posted before under a different name.
Split from ex 18 months ago, he uses cocaine almost daily and is a heavy drinker. I've told him if he wants access to our 4yo ds he should take me to court. The reasons being (apart from drug/drink), my son is non verbal autistic. I'm concerned that he won't be able to tell me any problems when spending time with his dad.
To start with I tried really hard to maintain a relationship between my don and his dad, I picked ex up, let him spend time at my house, dropped him back off or drove him and son to park/other places just so he could spend time with ds. The ex would cancel fairly regularly and when I found out he was taking ds to pubs I made him come to mine to spend time with him. He would come in and ds would be on his iPad and ex would say hello to him and then watch TV! If ds went in his bedroom I would tell ex to go with him and when I went in 20 minutes later ex would be fast asleep. My son has no awareness of danger and will squeeze into small spaces and puts everything into his mouth, I then stopped ex from seeing him early December last year, he tried calling a couple of times and I told him each time that he should go through the courts as I wanted drug testing done and also visiting done through a supervised contact centre to ensure my sons safety. He turned up at my house 5 months after Christmas with sons Christmas presents - 2 t shirts, again I told him to go through courts, he's phoned again last night calling me a thief, saying I stole his son (?!), again I told him to go through court, he said the last lave I want to see him is in a courtroom as he had taken an autism course so will "destroy me". I know he is also dealing cocaine and he has another baby on the way, he is signed off on incapacity benefit for borderline personality disorder with psychotic tendencies but hasn't taken medication for a number of years.
I don't take drugs of any kind, rarely drink and had to give up my job of 20 years when my son was diagnosed, I'm now in the first year of a physics degree.
Do any of you know what would happen if this got to court and what should I do to prepare myself? Sorry, this post has been longer than anticipated but didn't want to drip feed

SylvaniansAtEase Sun 21-Jun-15 11:39:45

It won't go to court.

If he's not only a drug user but also dealer, there's no way he'll go anywhere near. The only thing he will continue to do is harass you about it, but it's very unlikely he will approach a solicitor.

How do you know he is dealing and can you get proof? Because one thing you could do next time is let him know that you know and how, and tell him that he needs to stop harassing you NOW or you will be taking your own first steps in dealing with this through legal channels, by reporting his dealing to police.

Gather all evidence you can of dealing, drug taking etc.

If it did go to court, I would think that yes they would order drug testing. It would certainly help if you had a record of contact dealings so far, what the problems are, and proof of drug taking and certainly dealing.

I would think that it would be likely that supervised access would be dependant on whether he failed drug tests? - but maybe even if not, initial supervised access might be ordered if you argued that a relationship needed to be built up gradually. From what I've heard, you suggesting a family member who could supervise access (so a centre didn't have to be paid for) would help swing this.

Mumanddadtoone Sun 21-Jun-15 11:56:41

Just typed out a long reply and it got lost.
Thanks for replying sylvanian, I have no actual evidence of his drug dealing but I know of people who have bought from him, I have an idea of where he gets the drugs from and I've heard him in the phone arranging deals when he's been to visit Ds, my only concern is for my sons safety and unfortunately I have no family members who could supervise access

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 12:04:16

In which case, if a court orders supervised access he'll have to pay from the proceeds of his drug-dealing.

I agree with Sylvanians that it's highly unlikely he'll want to be in any court of law and suggest you continue to remind him that if he pursues access through the courts he will be required to undergo drink/drug testing.

As for him having completed an "autism course" - in his dreams maybe but any certificate he was given will not be apparent in his waking life.

Does this coke head sperm donor pay maintenance for his ds?

mummytime Sun 21-Jun-15 12:04:34

"he is signed off on incapacity benefit for borderline personality disorder with psychotic tendencies" that is pretty much all the proof you need. I very much doubt that any court would allow him unsupervised access, especially to such a young and non-verbal child. The drugs is another issue, but that should be enough and is totally 100% provable.

Mumanddadtoone Sun 21-Jun-15 12:13:45

Thank you both for replying, he hasn't paid a penny towards his son, oh, he gave me £10 for his birthday last year. I've just been told that he has gotten a job but I doubt he will have stopped claiming even if he has found work, he won't be able to keep the job as his drug/alcohol dependency will stop him from turning up. Any jobs he's had in the past he's only kept for a couple of months at the most and he was still claiming whilst working. I'm so embarrassed I was ever with him let alone have a child with him

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 12:20:45

On the offchance that he may have stopped claiming, I suggest you apply to the CSA.

I appreciate that you don't want any further proof that you allowed him to father a child with you but, nevertheless, having 'official' evidence of his inability/failure to pay maintenance may be of use in the unlikely event that he applies to the courts for access.

Mumanddadtoone Sun 21-Jun-15 12:33:08

Thanks goddess, it's worth a try

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 12:59:25

If applying to the CSA will bve the equivalent of dobbing him in, go for it! His comeuppance is long overdue and karma may be in a need of an earthly helping hand. grin

Ebony69 Sun 21-Jun-15 13:20:37

I completely agree with your stance on this, OP. If he makes a court application he would be expected to pay for the drug tests which can be costly. The court would also ask for a letter from his GP regarding his mental health history. If he is found to have used cocaine heavily then they are unlikely to allow him to see your son until he produces a more favourable result - you would need to highlight the impact of his drug use on his caregiving. The CSA matter will have absolutely no bearing on whether he is permitted to see your son.

weekendninja Sun 21-Jun-15 14:48:43

I gave nothing to add about the access side of things, but if you suspect he is dealing then notify the police via 101.

Mumanddadtoone Sun 21-Jun-15 15:55:26

Police already know and nothing has been done

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 16:07:13

That's often the case but a letter from 'a concerned neighbour' to a constituency's MP has been known to alter that particular state of affairs.

However, presuming a first offence mitigated by 'mental health issues', he'd most likely get a slap on the wrist albeit he'd have a criminal record for selling/using Class A substances.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 21-Jun-15 18:39:31

It's all about proof. If you have no legal proof of drug use/dealing it won't be given any weight in family court. BFF's ex did methamphetamine, dealt weed, and drove drunk/high. He'd never been arrested so there was no legal record of any of it. She had a slew of statements from friends and relatives regarding his drug/alcohol use and driving under the influence and the judge ruled each one inadmissible as 'hearsay' or 'unreliable'. He was given unsupervised visits and overnights. The only reason 'parental demand' drug testing was ordered was because she said she was willing if he was willing, so to avoid 'looking bad' he agreed. It was useless in the end as all he had to to was 'abstain' for 72 hours before picking their son up.

You need to talk to a solicitor. I agree it's highly unlikely that he'll go to court given his circumstances but you need to know what to expect and what is admissible as evidence if he does.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 21-Jun-15 19:05:26

"Police already know and nothing has been done"

Yet. He's possibly too small fry to bust immediately while they're keeping an eye on who he's buying from.

Meanwhile his diagnosed and untreated mental-health issues will be plenty of proof of his unsuitability for unsupervised access.

oabiti Sun 21-Jun-15 20:01:54

Can they do a hair sample re drug testing, as that can tell you how long ago he took the illicit substances?

Your story is quite similar to mine, op, especially re the coke addiction.

Bogeyface Sun 21-Jun-15 20:20:19

Just a hunch, but is he pissed/high when he calls?

I daresay his threats and ramblings are just him in the angry/maudlin stage of intoxication which is where the accusations come from. When he is hungover he probably will barely remember the call, much less what he said.

And unless he has a significant amount of money tucked away, he wont be able to afford court anyway. Treat his comments with the contempt they deserve and ignore.

Mumanddadtoone Mon 22-Jun-15 07:09:41

Thank you all, I doubt he will take it to court, if he does I will ask for a hair strand test as he would have to abstain for 90 days and I really can't see that happening. He sounds fairly sober when he calls but that doesn't mean he is, I will contact a solicitor if this goes any further. I don't know if this will be relevant in court but he was arrested last year for attacking his current girlfriend and had to go to court but she retracted her statement and nothing came of it, when we were together I called the police a couple of times and the neighbours called the police once as well as they were concerned about my ds (he was 3 months old at the time), ex was blasting music out at 3 in the morning, I left, with my ds and went to my mums so we weren't there when police arrived but he had thrown a TV out of the window, nothing happened to him, he wasn't arrested. He has spent several different nights in the cells for drunk and disorderly over the past few years and was arrested for attacking me in front of our ds (which was when I left for good), again nothing happened as there was no evidence.

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