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Am I setting myself up for heartache ?

(22 Posts)
Throughthestorm Sun 21-Jun-15 10:41:46

Well I don't really know what thread title to use and have a feeling I might get some fairly negative feedback but would appreciate some honest thoughts please .

I was married for approx 25 years .... Unhappy for most but couldn't see a way out .
We separated 18 months ago.
Huge relief for me .
He now has a gf and we remain friends ( 4 dc we will be connected forever )

Earlier this year I met a lovely man .
It was instant mutual attraction .... Not sexual although that came .
We only spoke for 5 mins when we met in a bar with friends but a few days later had exchanged numbers via mutual friend and began texting .
He was in a relationship for 25 years and separated 2 after his ex wife had an affair .
He was honest with me straight away and always has been ... He works abroad a lot of the time. The family home was up for sale and he planned on moving abroad to live ( he works a lot in the UAE ) towards the end of the year.

We both knew the relationship could go nowhere and joked about it being a doomed rebound, but we were somehow making each other smile a lot .
Anyway we had still only met once for less than 5 mins .
Somehow we managed to keep in touch while he was away for 4 weeks every day .
I began to realise this guy was a real gentleman and we both started to make each other smile with our daily morning and evening texts .... Planning to meet for coffee when he returned .
The day he flew into the UK he asked to call me before he flew out to another country for a planned boys yearly meet up .
I thought he was going to tell me it all had to stop because he really is honest so I was really nervous but shocked when he said he wanted to meet for coffee and get to know me better.
That weekend he texted me loads .
We met for coffee both very very nervous , but omg there was no need .
We just talked and laughed for 3 hours and neither of us expected it to happen like it did.
Our next meet up was for breakfast a few days later , which turned into lunch and then dinner , we talked and laughed for 11 hours .
Then followed a few weeks of absolute bliss .... Neither of us mentioning the fact that he is moving abroad at the end of the year .
We went on picnics , watched the sunrise , sunset and have had so many dinners out and been dancing .
When we first kissed this sounds crazy but hoestly at 44 and 50 we were both like a pair of love struck teens because it felt like fireworks .

We've had a weekend away now and we drank champagne and he made love to me .
He seems just as happy holding me and kissing me .
He holds my hand and kisses my forehead and hugs me like he never wants to let go.

I never ever ask him about the end of the year and he's working abroad again from beg July for around 2 months this time .

He has an 18 year old son here who doesn't see his mum anymore and lives presently with his dad .
His family lives in the UK and he's putting his prized possessions into storage or with trusted friends.

Sometimes he'll say things like " when you meet xxxx, and you will one day " I think does that mean he sees a future for us ?
He says he told his mum about me because she said he looked differrent .
He's told his son and close friends and they all say it's so nice to see him smiling again.
I daren't ask him because I realise we are both vulnerable after coming out of such long term relationships.
Also I seem to remember him saying something about only going for 2 years . He's very focused on ambition and when he works abroad has big earning potential . I have a feeling he might be just going for two years and then planning on returning I don't know .
He's invited me out there and wants me to meet his dear friend and work collegue .
He will obviously fly back to see his family fairly regularly but I wonder if he will also see me ?
I would never ask him to stay as it would need to come from him and neither of us has mentioned love.
I think I'm falling for him .
I love who he is.
I love the whole lot.... He works hard , plays hard , has morals and integrity and I trust him entirely .
He is also very rich . When I realsised this it rocked my confidence . he's not a tiny bit rich he's hugely rich . I try not to think about it but it does bother me a little . The thing I like about that tho is that he wasn't always so ....he has worked his butt off to get where he is now .
Anyway I don't know what I want to know from mumsneters , maybe just writing my story down .
I think I might love this guy .
It might sound like I'm being very naive maybe I am , but he says things like he just wants to wake up next to me and never let me go .... He did and he was genuinly so happy . I brought him coffee like I'd said I would for weeks and we just held each other for hours .
You know when you can just be with someone , say nothing and it's ok because you know the other one is content just being next to you too ?

Sorry this is so long .... If anyone reads it thank you , but am I heading for huge heartache or should I just think how lucky we both are that we've had this time ? X

onlyif Sun 21-Jun-15 10:46:22

Embrace it an enjoy it.

MeganBacon Sun 21-Jun-15 10:55:36

You never ever know what's going to happen in life. Sounds like you have enough to justify giving it a go. It would be far worse to have held back and never known where it might have lead. At 44, you can expect to find new love so don't be so astonished!

springydaffs Sun 21-Jun-15 11:23:32

Wow, lucky you! <jealous>

Darlin, the only thing that concerns me is you seem to think you're lucky to get such a prize - yes you are... but he's lucky too! Don't forget that. If he's fabulously rich there will be a part of him that is alpha - don't be cowering in his shadow, he's lucky to have found you. I appreciate the wealth thing can be a bit overwhelming but try to see it as two ppl who have met and fallen in love on equal terms.

As for location, if he's that rich he'll have no problem affording extensive travel. Just don't sell yourself cheaply just bcs he's rich, try not to see it that you're lucky to get the big man - he's just a man at the end of the day.

springydaffs Sun 21-Jun-15 11:26:42

I don't remember typing darling, much less darlin blush

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 11:39:19

I find it odd that you haven't able to touch lightly on the subject of his plan to leave the UK by "the end of year" by saying something to the effect of 'what a shame I won't be able to bring you coffee in bed in 2016' or similar.

How did you come to realise that, among his many other charms, he's also "hugely rich"? Was this through meeting the son/mother/close friends who commented on it 'being so nice to see him smiling again'?

Truth is stranger than fiction and, although your story has a touch of Mills & Boon about it, he could be on the level and you may one day watch a UAE sunrise/sunset courtesy of his generousity. On the other hand he could be a well-practiced lothario who promises the earth and delivers a bag of rotting compost.

If you don't ask him whether his plans have changed to accomodate you/your feelings for each other, the acid test will be if he asks you to store some of his "prized possessions".

Even though love can be followed by heartbreak, I remain firmly in the camp of 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and, if you're not prepared to raise the subject of his future intentions towards you, all you can do is hope for the best and stock up on Kleenex prepare for the worst.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 11:54:49

Just to add that sometimes the knowledge that one or the other party will be leaving the country for an indefinite period of time or similar can add a significance to an affair that would otherwise be run of the mill for all but the romantically naive and/or those who've recently emerged from long term stultifyiing marriages/relationships.

It's the bittersweet effect as portrayed in Brief Encounter although, as far as I recall, Celia Johnson didn't climb into bed with Trevor Howard albeit that was more by accident than design.

Although this affair may end in poignant longing on your part, nevertheless it will have served its purpose in reminding you what relationships with the opposite sex should be about and any regret you may have should be tempered with a fond smile for the good times you enjoyed - and will have again with a more available man.

Throughthestorm Sun 21-Jun-15 12:03:14

Goddess thanks I really do appreciate a bit of reality !
Honestly, the wealth I discovered myself .
To start with he has manners , I mean real manners. He bids me goodnight and stands up if I walk in ect . I realsied this was just him and tease him a little now but he has old fashioned old school manners which are really nice.

I looked on right move when his house went up for sale .
I knew it was his right away . The only one in the area and his car ect .
I told him I'd looked but didn't look any further at any of the photos ect as I felt like I was invading his privacy and shouldn't have snooped .
It was up for a just under a million .
He has several properties .

No I haven't met any of his friends yet but he has asked me few times .
I don't feel I want to just yet I'm still getting to know him.
I know he talks about me to them it's like he's really proud of me and I love that .

Great advise about not selling myself short too thank you .

Thanks everyone else I did wonder if morally I was in the wrong but I am 44 and we are both enjoying the moment .

If he loves me he will say and do when the time is right x

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 12:07:16

Go with the flow and ENJOY, honey!

With luck you've found a true gentleman and if not you'll have a store of wonderful memories to recall in your old age. grin

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 12:15:05

Don't be fooled by what may appear to be huge sums on paper.

A million is not a vast sum for a desirable house these days and, apart from any proceeds from the sale having to be split between him and his wife, the marital home and any other properties he/they own may be mortgaged to the hilt.

As it also appears that neither you nor he are divorced, I suggest you continue to simply see where this relationship goes of its own accord and don't apply any pressure to the mix.

nequidnimis Sun 21-Jun-15 12:15:52

Are you certain he's separated, and have you been to his house?

I only ask because I know a serial adulterer who preys on women this way.

If he's on the level then just enjoy it and hope his plans change to accommodate you - whether that involves him staying in the UK, taking you with him or lots of international flights.

Senada Sun 21-Jun-15 12:17:10

Not convinced by this one at all, OP, sorry, as it does sound like you've really fallen for him.

First I don't think it's inappropriate to have a conversation about his plans. In fact I'm surprised he's been so vague about it.

Secondly, there's something here that sounds a bit off to me. I agree with goddess that it does have a bit of Mills & Boon to it, and I have a feeling that's just the way he likes it.
Are you sure he's definitely separated from his wife? You said you met through mutual friends, do they know you're seeing each other, is it all out in the open ?
Alternatively, given his lifestyle, I think there's potential here for this man to have a woman in every port. Easy to avoid real long-term commitment when you know your time in one place is limited and you're in a position to have one or two women on the go at the same time. I wouldn't assume I was the only woman in his life.

All of that said, we never really know what we're getting into when we meet someone new smile. I'd do some checks to make sure he's definitely divorced, and at some point soon, have the conversation about him going abroad at the end of this year. You don't have to make the talk "where do I stand?", you said he's ambitious and hard-working. Those sort of men love to talk about their work and plans for the future. Just have a general conversation about it.

Senada Sun 21-Jun-15 12:19:58

cross post with nequidnimis

Garlick Sun 21-Jun-15 12:25:18

If we all sacrificed what is good now to avoid the sadness after, we'd never grow flowers or enjoy Christmas, would we?

It sounds as though you're both loving the extra romantic intensity that comes with knowing the end's in sight - similar to the way holiday romances often seem so special. You're learning many valuable things about yourself, your responses and your worth. Treasure this smile

And, if it's bothering you a lot, say so!!

Throughthestorm Sun 21-Jun-15 12:31:44

Hi Senada and thanks for your reply.

I do trust him .
My daughter said exactly the same and that I shouldn't assume I was the only one so I asked him.
Times have changed hugely since either of us dated .
He really is sincere and was as nervous as me because everything we have done is a first for both of us since we were teens apart from with oh .

Yes all out in the open.
I've spoken to his son when he answers the phone and he and his friends and family are aware because we talked about reactions . We've both been blessed to have support all around .
We been seen aout and about now in both our hometowns very obviously together and both bumped into people we know and made introductions .

There is no hidden agenda on either side .
And I've never met a man who really does just want to be with me rather than you know what .
Neither of us are divorced .
His ex w is living with a new partner and my ex has an established relationship .We are both having to sort divorce and everything out ourselves.

I don't want come over all needy , but at 44 with 2 dependant dc still I'd quite happily continue to establish my independence and confidence for a couple of years while remaining faithful to him , even if I only saw him high days and holidays . I didn't plan on this and neither did he so if it's meant to be then I suppose only time will tell .

CainInThePunting Sun 21-Jun-15 12:39:56

Usually, I would say if it seems too good to be true it probably is but I think you are in too deep and if you end it now you will always wonder 'what if?'.
Try to hold a little back but enjoy the moment.
You never know, a long distance relationship can work.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 12:49:59

For someone with dependent dc a long-distance arrangement such as you describe can be ideal, OP.

All the fun and romance of a swinging (as in non-pampas grass) affair, none of the chores more commonly associated with relationships that are closer to home, and any time you are able to spend together becomes high days and holidays grin

Thenapoleonofcrime Sun 21-Jun-15 13:57:41

I don't think you can know what you are setting yourself up for, but I don't see any reason to think this is other than it appears- he's not kept you a secret, you've both met people when out and about and introduced each other, you are falling for each other How lovely!

If it is meant to be, then the other stuff like keeping in touch and going out when he's abroad (and I'm sure he should still go) will work out, and as goddess says, if you have children, it may actually be better to have the odd fun weekend away (if you can get someone to look after them) than having the whole domestic shebang early on- that way you can get to know him over time.

You can never tell where anything will lead, you simply have to start walking where you want to go and hopefully you will get there. Don't close your eyes to any evidence you don't want to see though (e.g. other partner, lack of interest once away)- just keep your eyes wide open but keep walking. What have you got to lose really?

Senada Sun 21-Jun-15 14:45:41

Times have changed hugely since either of us dated .

I understand this. I was your age when I divorced after a 20 odd year marriage and things are very different now!

I agree with pp that this could work fine if he does only go for 2 years. He's got the means to fly back home as often as work allows, and to fly you out to visit him.

Keep your wits about you, guard your heart as much as you can until he's absolutely proved that he's worth falling for, but at the same time, make the most of the time you do spend together.
If he sees a future with you, I would expect him to start talking about his planned temporary relocation and how he sees your relationship working around this, asking for your thoughts etc. It's a bit soon at the moment but if he doesn't have that discussion with you after another couple of months, I'd see that as a red flag.

Wotsitsareafterme Sun 21-Jun-15 17:40:28

Garlick I love your analogy I shall be stealing that.

Op I really relate to the wealth knocking your confidence I have been in that situation. The really wealthy ones don't brag about it so they invite you round for a cup of tea and you arrive at a mansion and neatly throw up. It's worse if the mansion is full of stuff you would buy if you had the cash!

Fwiw in reflection my issues with wealth caused more problems than the actual wealth itself - you have to see past it grin

Throughthestorm Fri 03-Jul-15 11:14:47

Just a quick update !
Am very happy as even tho he's gone for a month now he has told me his feelings are deep and we are planning what we can achieve and not dwelling on what we can't .
We're going to Scotland for a week in aug and I'm flying out to him later in the year .
We've agreed to remain exclusive and meet each other's dc !

Wotsitsareafterme Fri 03-Jul-15 12:09:08

Lovely to hear grin

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