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Is this man married?

(16 Posts)
Elefantintheroom Sun 21-Jun-15 10:18:16

Or could he be?

Something isn't quite right here... I can't seperate it very well from my own insecurities though. I posted another thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2405739-Erection-problems

This man I am seeing is very busy at work and works extremely long hours. Now I know that bit is true. However, I'm wondering if he's exaggerating his working hours and is actually with his wife or another woman some of the time. We 'whatsapp' and often the messages aren't delivered to his phone for ages, which does happen at times when he's definitely at work, but I'm also wondering if he isn't checking messages or is even blocking me at some times. The whole situation doesn't feel right to me and I should probably walk away, but I'm reluctant to when I don't know for sure if there's any actual problem, as it is possible he's working and when I am with him he is so attentive and makes me feel amazing.

I met him on a dating site. He did have a pic, but wasn't especially recognisable from it and he's now removed the pic. I've been to his flat, which he says he has moved to a couple of months ago having been commuting from another city an hour or so away for a while. The flat is very sparse/batchelor pad, some books, photos of his family (parents/siblings etc) and basic furniture. No TV. Totally in keeping with having just moved in and working long hours, also in keeping with having a wife in the other city and a small flat near work to stay/live during the week.

I can't work out how much of this is me being insecure and how much is a red flag.

Help?!

Pinklaydee1302 Sun 21-Jun-15 10:20:59

Did he say how long they been split?

00100001 Sun 21-Jun-15 10:24:01

Is he around at weekends?

00100001 Sun 21-Jun-15 10:25:31

Tbh from this post and the other post it just sounds like you aren't happy and are looking for things to split up over.

It's only been a short while? So leave him, if you're having these doubts now it will only get worse.

AuntieStella Sun 21-Jun-15 10:33:58

He could be a workaholic; he could be married with unsuspecting wife/family who he lives with at weekends; he might be newly separated, but hoping for reconciliation; etc

I think your posts show that you don't feel you know him that well yet. And presumably haven't met any of his friends/family? And it does sound as if you feel very marginal in his life.

How long have you been seeing him?

MairzyDoats Sun 21-Jun-15 10:35:33

Does he have a Facebook profile (that you are aware of)?

Elefantintheroom Sun 21-Jun-15 10:36:17

Pinklaydee, he's been a bit vague tbh and just said they'd split up because they wanted different things about 3 years ago. He did say he was divorced, but his saying profile says separated, although I guess the divorce could be quite recent.

He's been around some weekends. He's been around occasionally for last minute dates. His work definitely involves some weekend work. I'm not unhappy about the erection thing, I just wondered if it could be related now?

I could just leave, it hadn't been that long, but I am a little emotionally invested (I have slept with him) and like I say, he makes me feel amazing when I'm with him, so I'd like to keep seeing him, but I'm just not sure what's going on here. It is entirely possible he is just very busy at work and working very long hours due to the nature of his job.

Elefantintheroom Sun 21-Jun-15 10:40:16

I have been seeing him about 6 weeks. I do feel 'marginal' I suppose, but it is all quite new. It's possible that he is still saying other people and is 'just' lying about that, we haven't agreed to be exclusive, although I did kind do assuming sleeping together implied that. It does I me anyway, but I suppose if he is dating someone else the. He's not going to just say he's busy on a date with someone else. If he is dating other people at this point then I suppose that means he's not serious about me and obviously I don't want to see him anymore.

He does have a Facebook profile and it is very locked down/private. He also has a linked in profile, but I can see it fully and am not sure whether than would give personal info anyway?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 11:08:36

How many times have you seen him in this 6 weeks and how many times had you seen him before you slept with him - and was that a singular event which took place at the flat he claims to have recently moved into?

Assuming that having sex with a guy is an agreement to be 'exclusive' is a dangerous assumption to make; what's wrong with asking if he's seeing other women or is serious about you?

When meeting randoms on the internet, you're best advised to wait until you've thoroughly checked them out, met their friends, family etc before emotionally investing in them or climbing into bed with them unless, of course, you're merely looking for one night stands or fb relationships.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 11:13:01

Just read your other thread... are you thinking he can't get it up because he's married and feels guilty about cheating on his wife? Alcohol can relieve any such inhibitions which may account for his one successful attempt at coupling with you.

Spotifymuse Sun 21-Jun-15 11:14:28

At 6 weeks you should be walking on air. This much angst and this many doubts screams that you need to walk away.
He may or may not be married, you may or may not be very insecure and suspicious.
Whatever the reasons, it all sounds like incredibly hard work.

ALaughAMinute Sun 21-Jun-15 11:30:52

You say something isn't right and you're probably right so go with your gut feeling. The fact that you don't know enough about his personal circumstances is enough to raise a red flag, let alone the fact that he's having erection problems.

Find yourself someone less complicated and more straight forward!

MrsBermondsey Sun 21-Jun-15 11:39:46

Check the electoral roll on 192.com and have a search to see if he's on Facebook. That might answer some of your questions. It did for me when I had similar instincts. I was right btw, and his face was a picture when I told him what I knew!

MrsBermondsey Sun 21-Jun-15 11:44:37

I've just read your update. Six weeks and you feel marginal? You're way too over invested. Six weeks is nothing, of course you're going to be "marginal"! Sleeping with someone doesn't guarantee exclusivity either. It would be nice for you if it does but don't be naive enough to think it is or it should.

This is going to sound unkind but I think you need to step back and look at why you feel like this. You're getting in too deep after just six weeks and showing a lot of insecurity.

antimatter Sun 21-Jun-15 12:51:49

If you close whatsupp you won't see messages arriving.

Ppl stay for years un-divorced due to financial gain (like low mortgage repayments).

Until you meet his friends/family you will have to wait and see how he is.
On weekend he isn't available call him lunchtime and see how quickly he responds.

Elefantintheroom Sun 21-Jun-15 15:27:24

Yes, I am wondering if his erection problems could be related to guilt/marriage.

I'm happy to take things slowly and I'm happy for this 'relationship' to be casual. I am quite busy myself and have children who are a priority and can't envisage having a relationship where someone meets them. I'm not happy to see someone else's husband or to be lied to.

I suppose unless I'm utterly paranoid, which I don't think tending to be a little insecure (my own marriage ended badly) equals, then I know he isn't being entirely honest about something and his job gives him the perfect cover for that really. I think maybe I'll give it another date or two to see how it goes and then decide.

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