The opposite of a "fair weather friend". Fed up and disappointed!

[Metimewoohoo]

I went through a hard time and this friend was seemingly quite supportive. There for a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. Anyway I'm quite a strong person and turned things around for myself and changed the things I wasn't happy with.

Since my life has started to improve, I think she has noticed. My gut instinct is telling me that she likes a friend who is struggling and she is not happy that I pulled myself out of a crap situation and have begun to strive and progress. I can't quite explain it but It now seems she is in some sort of competition with me and begrudging things that have improved for me. It's so petty and upsetting. I'm so shocked and it feels like she is just a fake friend. Bloody had me fooled though!

The thing that has confirmed this ingenuous friendship for me is an incident where she could have helped me progress in a career goal of mine (she has contacts in my desired field, in which who you know is crucial to a foot in the door) she simply put my abilities down, didn't ask her contact for me and then the next time I spoke to her she just went on and on about how many contacts she's got for herself in a fuck you im not helping YOU out kind of way! I wouldn't mind but I've always shared things with her and helped her and her family however I can and been happy for all the great things that they do.

Would you quash a friendhip like this?
Should I trust my instincts or am I being sensitive?
Have any of you had experiences of friends who are only happy and supportive when your life is going shit?

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

If you feel she prefers you down, that's a bad thing. However, she may well not want to mix work and her friends, I don't in general and so her not putting you forward may be because she simply doesn't want to mix the two.

[AlmaMartyr]

I think that there are definitely people like this and you should probably distance yourself. Good friends are there for you when you're down and happy for you when you're up.

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

Do you have examples other than the work one?

I never mix friends and work either although I wouldn't put down a persons ability. I've been burnt by a friend who took a job then acted like a complete dick and it did reflect on me.

[saturnvista]

I don't think it's fair to read anything into her not agreeing to help you at work. She's under no obligation to do that and may not want to for different reasons than you think. But putting you down is different. I do think there are people in the world like this but perhaps give her a chance to explain first. Maybe it's her issue, maybe she's piqued by something you're doing unintentionally. It can't hurt to ask before you do anything drastic.

[Metimewoohoo]

Yes, I can see your points about the work thing. She doesn't work there though. I got her a job in the past, so maybe I just though she may be able to help me out in the same way. I guess I like to help friends out and get confused when people aren't the same as me! It was the weird way she was rubbing it in that made me think she doesn't have my best interests.

She goes quiet and moody and stops speaking on the phone, if she asks me what I've done and I happen to say Ive spent money on anything etc. It's really uncomfortable. She then starts moaning about how's she hasn't got the money for this and that. It's annoying because she prioritises spending money on different things that give her joy, but then starts ranting about how she can't buy the things I've bought. It's a bit embarrassing, petty and uncomfortable.

She often mentions how other friends rub things in her face and says she's fed up with hearing about how good other children are at sports and academics.

She asks a question, seems to begrudge the answer and then tell you how fantastic one of her friend's life is and wouldn't I prefer a life like that.

Some examples are just hard to explain. Put it this way she was nicer when I was in the shit. My other friend said some people want a friend who they deem beneath them.

It's all so weird, petty and cringe-worthy to be honest. It does upset me though.

[springydaffs]

It would upset me too. Yanbu, I think you've got her in one. So disappointing.

[springydaffs]

Onwards and upwards

[Aussiemum78]

Maybe she likes being the superior friend...the leader and mentor?

She feels threatened if you do better than her I think. It's jealousy.

[Metimewoohoo]

Thanks for the flowers Springy!
I know what you mean Aussiemum, but I'm just getting on with my life. Lots of people theses days just she everything as a competition and I do not want to compete! I just want to give and receive care and support.

That was the only person left that I trusted. The clever ladies of Mumsnet always say go with your instincts. I started to notice and then began distancing myself and she seemed to kind of frantically chase more than usual. I think she knows her attempts to block me have upset me. I'll have to think of a way to distance myself.

I now do not have anyone to whom I can confide in nor trust. No partner family member nor friend. I feel lonely and isolated anyway to be honest. Everyone always turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I give up on trust, I really can't do it anymore. It's backfired all my life. My loyalty is wasted. The emptiness I feel on a day to day basis actually manifests as physical pain in my stomach.
Who do people like me who have been badly hurt by both romantic relationships and friendship and horrible childhood) confide in when they can't trust anymore? This is the last straw for me. No one really gives a shit.
Do I just have a counsellor or life coach on speed dial and try and find acquaintances to travel and have fun with?

I feel so so alone.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I think you might be misinterpreting her actions, yes, it does sound like she's the kind of person who is quite competitive and that's not a nice side of her but that is all about her insecurity and not much else. She was a good friend to you when you needed a hand and that's not negated by everything else.

I don't really see how you get from this to 'I can't trust anyone' as this is not an issue of trust, she hasn't betrayed your trust, she's just an ordinary human being with her own issues who isn't a really great friend for you right now.

There are often friends for every season- an upbeat fun loving friend may not be calling you daily when you are having a shit time. Your post almost reads like you were in a relationship, but you were not. I don't think this model works well for friendship, tolerance, understanding and simply enjoying each other's company (even though it's hard to make time for friends when you are busy) is enough I think.

Counselling would be beneficial, because you do feel bad because of your childhood and the messages you received then, and then even when things happen, you feel them confirming what you already know, that you are alone etc. I don't think it's a bad place to start, and I bet with a bit of counselling, you could get some good stable friends again who will appreciate your loyalty.

[Metimewoohoo]

Thanks for the input xx

To me it's an issue of trust because when a friend turns nasty and says bitchy things and appears bitter about some of her other friends who are simply getting on and being proactive about their lives, that person is not a real friend.

I don't think it is too much to ask for a friend to support you whether you are up or down and quite frankly I don't want a friend who prefers me down. I think it's twisted and I don't trust that they have my best interests at heart. a friendship is a relationship of sorts and I don't think I am asking too much either.

[MeganBacon]

Unfortunately I think there are (very rarely, thank God) people want to have company in the miserable club and feel a bit abandoned/betrayed when you manage to check out. This can then turn into you being forced in to the "leading/mentoring" role, which you never wanted, but it can become the default position once you are not equally miserable. The friendship at that point has run its course because you don't want to "lead/mentor" and they don't want to be "led/mentored" either.

[Metimewoohoo]

Oh crikey the misery club! No thanks.

The thing is she didn't lead or mentor me. Looking back I think she found my difficult time entertaining more than anything else. I am a very solution- orientated type of person, I try my best to stay on the onwards and upwards path. I helped myself out of the difficult time by finding solutions and taking action. Although I am grateful that she was a shoulder for me to cry on when she had the time. It's pointless if a friend is only nice to you when the deem you inferior to them.
I'm just venting because I am fed up with caring for and helping people when they don't genuinely give a shit about me. It's all just fake concern. It's all on their terms. I'm always happy for people and don't compare myself, as I don't see the point. It's since my efforts have come to fruition that she has kind of turned odd. Believe me I am not the boastful type, I am the opposite I keep things quiet because I don't need anyone else's approval. I just answer questions when they are asked. The resentment comes about when you answer.

I can't help that it makes me feel lonely! I guess I'm wracking my brains out for a way not to crave fulfilling relationships. I'm fed up of people turning out to be not who I thought they were. I'm tired of the hurt and disappointment. Obviously it's not just this friendship that has made me feel like this.
I want to know how I can get through life not trusting anyone and just relying on myself for everything. Any suggestions?
I need to find a way to switch off the craving for love, support, trust and genuity

[Meerka]

Trust your instincts here.


But.

Everyone always turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. I give up on trust, I really can't do it anymore. It's backfired all my life. My loyalty is wasted.

No, not everyone is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I've met some fucking predatorial wolves, some of whom seem lovely on the surface. But there are also generous, honest, decent people who give and keep on giving, trustworthy and kind.

If you are disenchanted with everything and everyone, then there are a few possibilities as to why:

• you're being to the wrong sorts of people (of whom there are a lot, admittedly). It's worth considering why you're struggling to find good friends who want the best for you, not to drag you down. A lot of that can be due to the patterns of upbringing or alternatively ...
  
• you've been exceptionally unlucky.
  
• expecting too much. Or possibly too little.
  

is there anything in common with the people who've crapped on you in the past? ie are they particularly fun on the surface? or do they seem to want to 'help' you, but ahve a hidden agenda that is about them?

Therapy, long term in depth therapy with an experienced person who you click with, can help a lot of people. it can be life changing. Other people don't find it helps, but can still take stock of why they seem to be drawn to wolves, or why wolves are drawn to them, and take action to find a better class of friend.

[Meerka]

I need to find a way to switch off the craving for love, support, trust and genuity

you can't. You won't. The best you can do is bury it, when it'll come out in unpleasant ways.

I think the healthiest way is to acknowledge that craving but accept that it may not be fulfilled easily. Squashing it doesn't work though. It's a normal need. Not getting it met to some degree turns you into a cold and bitter person.

[Metimewoohoo]

Very very helpful post Meerka. Thankyou.

The romantic relationships that turned physically abusive were definitely due to me having very low expectations. I was brought up with this, so had zero self esteem. I was so desperate for love, I took anything. Hence why I feel vulnerable now as I have to balance my expectations of people carefully.

Got myself out of that with no support from family who told me "I made my bed". The police supported me.

Somebody told me once not to have high expectations of people, so I try not to expect too much, but I draw the line at being put down or resented because I don't want to go back to being the type of person that is deemed inferior and accepting of abuse. Nothing surprise me anymore though.

The types of people I am attracted to are somewhat fun types because I do like to be happy and laugh and have fun if I can.
I know I'm the common denominator but I do hear acquaintances talk about the same sort of pettiness and competitiveness and downright rude comments, so I don't think it's that uncommon.

I wish I didn't have that need, but I know you're right it's natural. I suppose I could have counselling. To be honest I'd try anything. All I want is someone to love and care about me like I do about them.
I haven't turned called and bitter but I know it's possible. It's the sadness and emptiness that is the killer.

[holdyourown]

I've had the same issue in the past OP. I've been reading a book called the Human Magnet syndrome (from amazon) about why we can be drawn towards people who hurt us (both relationships and friends I suppose) and have found it very helpful.

[Meerka]

Yes, sadness and emptiness is very hard to live with. I think myself that when you've had a lot of it in your life, it never quite goes. But it becomes smaller. Less all-encompassing and part of the jigsaw, not the whole damn thing.

I get the impression you're fighting hard to grow and to have healthy relationships and a healthy life. Therapy can help many people with this (therapy rather than counselling; it needs to be long term and in depth I think, in order to help you yourself work out where the pieces of the jigsaw have been blackened by a shitty upbringing and shitty relationships. You can't do that quickly at a light level with counselling.

so I try not to expect too much, but I draw the line at being put down or resented because I don't want to go back to being the type of person that is deemed inferior and accepting of abuse.

absolutely right. this is why I think you're being drawn to a much healthier way of living.

As a working set of hints, there's a couple of threads which are to do with romantic relationships but actually, they apply pretty well to friendships too. Maybe it's worthwhile observing people before opening up a bit. Couple of other interesting links too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2089279-Definitive-list-of-red-flags

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind?msgid=35398438=#35398438=

www.harleytherapy.co.uk/cognitive-distortions-cbt.htm

www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

[countrymusic]

There is another side to it, if one of my friends' seemed to need help, I would pay more attention to them and help them out. I would spend more time with them and you may see it as over invested. Once its passed, I take it lightly and may discuss more of my issues too. There is no expectation to play my friend down and I'm more open once they are out of their troubling situations. I would consider myself as helping and hope my friends don't think I like it when they are any less.

But if the your gut is telling you something else, I would trust your instincts. Personally, I reach out more to those who I can help than those who might do just fine.

[Metimewoohoo]

I'm sorry you've had a similar experience Holdyourown. Thanks for the tip, I'm going to look into that book. I have often found books to be very helpful in finding solutions and learning about relationships.

[Metimewoohoo]

**Meerka you seem to get me! Thank you for taking the time to respond. It's been very touching for me on a day that I was struggling to know what to do and where to turn. I'm going to have a good read of that. I'm always terrified I'm opening up to the wrong people, so this should be interesting.

Do I see my GP about long term therapy? Or should I try and find affordable private therapy?
What should I say I need it for?

*Country music I know exactly what you mean, but this is different. It's bitter comments made about others that alerts me to the fact that this person is very nasty if you're being proactive about life. Like I said some examples of this person's behaviour are hard to explain. It's just a red flag for me and I have started to trust my instincts now.

[Meerka]

hmm. sadly the NHS is too stretch to offer anythign more than limited help, usually it's a 6 session course of CBT. Which can be very useful, but it sounds like you need something which is more in depth.

The BACP www.bacp.co.uk/ has a list of qualified therapists.

It can take a few attempts to find the right therapist for you. You need the click with them. I suspect that you personally will also need someone who can skilfully push you when needed. Trust issues go very deep and by their nature, get in the way of unreserve and .. er .. .trust in the therapist. it's easy to coast if you're with the wrong person; someone who is good will nudge you gently or hard to keep moving forward.

[Metimewoohoo]

for you M. I think that long term therapy would help me feel guided and less alone. Another bonus it's an unbiased person who I will feel able to open up to.

Hope you all have a great day and I hope if anyone else out there has similar issues, you too can take the great advice given and begin to find ways to heal. Xx

[Meerka]

best of luck, metime :)

One of the things with therapy (if it works for you) is that it can give you a different perspective on people and situations. Then you can choose how you wish to act with more information ... You've been seeing with one eye and a certain perspective, if therapy is successful you gain a different vision, a different perspective and see people/situations with better depth perception.

I could be torturing that analogy to death though.