Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to avoid resenting my DP?

(4 Posts)
CappuccinoYoga Sat 20-Jun-15 11:43:06

Help! Not sure what to do. I have been dating a lovely man for just under a year. He is gentle, kind, and intelligent. The problem is that he gets depression/anxiety. There is a pattern of his leaving jobs due to stress. He tells me that he gets stressed and exhausted, and he definitely seems to want to work. I am of course sympathetic, I just don't know what to do with regards to our relationship. I am a single parent and work full time. He doesn't have any DCs.

I suppose the problem for me begins when I look forwards - I'm worried about moving in together (I don't want to find myself supporting an adult as well as the DCs) and I'm worried about becoming less sympathetic - this sounds horrible - it's just that my life is very busy and I have more responsibilities than he does, but I am always having to be understanding about him. I feel like my own concerns and worries are always swept under the carpet. Partly my fault as I don't like to make a big fuss about every little thing. Sometimes we talk about his worries and I try to think of anything possible to advise and help, but when I have a problem with work or the DCs I just get "oh poor you" and a hug, no advice or anything.

Does anyone have experience of this type of relationship problem? How can I help him whilst not getting resentful? I should add that he is seeing a therapist, and that I have had similar MH problems so can fully empathise.

pocketsaviour Sat 20-Jun-15 11:53:18

Depression can make on incredibly self-centered, I'm afraid.

Your primary responsibility is to your DCs. This doesn't really fit with taking on a needy partner, especially one who is an unreliable earner. You need to be a bit ruthless here and keep your DCs' well-being and stability at the forefront of your mind.

I would back off and not think about taking the relationship any further unless he reaches a point where he is managing his MH much better. Or even break it off as a relationship and just stay as friends.

Kundry Sat 20-Jun-15 12:00:45

Honestly, I don't think you and he are right for each other. Because of your insight into your own MH problems, you really want to support and help him but I just don't think he is in the same place as you. You can't fix him, only he can do that, and your emotions should have as much space as his in your relationship.

It's great he is seeing a therapist and one can hope that in a few years, when he has done serious work, he may be able to be just as supportive of you as you are of him.

At the moment you seriously run the risk of moving in and finding yourself with a cocklodger.

I think you already know this or you wouldn't have posted. Think about if you are happy with your current relationship living apart but I would be v worried about moving in.

branflakesareboring Sun 21-Jun-15 00:07:20

Dump him sad

I'm married to someone like this and we have no relationship due to the resentment I feel.

He's had to give up his job and I support the whole family. It's like having a third child apart from there's no chance of him growing up and taking responsibility.

We have sex about three times a year. I can't bear him to be near me as I feel as though I'm his mother. I can't be bothered to leave. It's lonely though. Lonely and tough.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now