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Will I find happiness again ?...

(9 Posts)
LittleWren17 Sat 20-Jun-15 08:05:48

Hi, thanks for reading this…
I'm mid 30’s with two lovely children. For the past year I've been in a relationship with a man who I was utterly head over heels with. We had both just come out of long term relationships, but it seemed that we were mutually smitten with one another.
We would spend every spare minute together and when we weren't together we were texting or calling. My children stay overnight with my ex husband 3nights a week, so I felt the only thing I had to look forward to when they were away was to see my new partner. To be honest, seeing him was what kept me going.
I love my children so much, but my relationship fulfilled another part of me that desperately needed the love and affection.
My partner ended things with me a few weeks ago – after an argument. Since then, he has sought comfort in his old life – spending lots of time at his former marital home with his children and ex, they have had days out and meals out together. He has cut me off so I cannot contact him and turned quite nasty towards me. It all came out of the blue. I know that he is unable to deal with more than one emotional situation at a time, so blocking me from his life and focussing on his past life is his way of coping. His marriage was very rocky, they had regularly broken up, he'd cheated on her before and told me that he had previously reunited with his ex for the wrong reasons ; the kids and comfort/security. Anyway, I now expect them to reunite, albeit for how long? I will no doubt see them out together and hear gossip from ‘friends’ that they are back together - it's devastated me!
I know I should wish him the best, but I'm completely broken ! We had plans to move in together and build our future together. I'm not coping and have had counselling and been prescribed anti depressants. I need to be strong for my children.

How do you find happiness again after the future you thought you had comes crashing down?
At the moment I feel like the rest of my life is going to be unfulfilled and sad .
I love my children but even they can't lift my spirits. I've lost the love of my life
Any advice please on how to get through this?
I know there is far worse that can happen in life but I could really do with some kind words…xx

QuiteLikely5 Sat 20-Jun-15 08:22:24

He ended it completely over a single row?

What was the row about?

nequidnimis Sat 20-Jun-15 08:25:17

Did you post about this a few days ago? It seems familiar.

If so, you said that he maintained throughout your relationship that he missed his ex, and broke up with you every few weeks to go back to her, so I think that this was always a risk and you are better off without him than knowing you are his second choice.

How has he been nasty since the break up? Do you think he might just want to make sure you understand that he really means it this time, or that his ex has asked him to make this clear if they are attempting a reconciliation? If you are still contacting him he may just be being blunt so that you back off.

Either way, it sounds like your relationship meant something different to him than it did to you and I think you should walk away with dignity, and make sure that, should his reconciliation fail, you are no longer available.

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Sat 20-Jun-15 08:26:01

You're grieving for the future you thought you had, and that's totally understandable. There's a school of thought that says focusing on the downsides of your relationship when it ends can help - I'm not sure whether it's the healthiest thing to do but it helped me once, rather than dwelling on the good bits.

Eat well, sleep, get fresh air. Take it slowly and be kind to yourself - small treats and keep a gratitude journal. Really helps you focus on things that are worth having.

Good luck. Heartbreak is horrible.

FolkGirl Sat 20-Jun-15 08:55:17

I think the only way to handle it in future is to make sure you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Make sure you have more in your life and more to lioj firward to than just your relationship with a man. That way, if/when it ends, you won't have that feeling if having nothing to look forward to because only one aspect of your life has ended.

So on that note, you deal with it now by spending the time you would have done with him doing other stuff for yourself.

What hobbies do you have?

givemehopehelpmecope Sat 20-Jun-15 09:20:23

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation: i ended the relationship with my P after 20 months a couple of weeks ago. He too was amazing to start off with but in past 6 months became less & less engaged with me & my kids. His behaviour became erratic & strange & i couldn't expose my two to that. But god, it hurts. I miss him. I miss the good times, the fun, the company. And we also had things to look forward to. I've gone NC & its horrible. But the right thing for me & my kids. I know how hard it is to be strong for your kids when your heart is broken. Try reading some of the articles on Baggage reclaim - they have really helped me. Good luck.

givemehopehelpmecope Sat 20-Jun-15 09:21:14

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation: i ended the relationship with my P after 20 months a couple of weeks ago. He too was amazing to start off with but in past 6 months became less & less engaged with me & my kids. His behaviour became erratic & strange & i couldn't expose my two to that. But god, it hurts. I miss him. I miss the good times, the fun, the company. And we also had things to look forward to. I've gone NC & its horrible. But the right thing for me & my kids. I know how hard it is to be strong for your kids when your heart is broken. Try reading some of the articles on Baggage reclaim - they have really helped me. Good luck.

LittleWren17 Sat 20-Jun-15 09:45:01

Thanks all!
Yes it is me again lol...sorry to go on and on ��
He would break up with me regularly, not to go back to her as we were only apart for a few days, but he would spend time at his former home with his kids, while she was there... That left me feeling insecure about whether he would ultimately reunite with her one day.
I haven't contacted him as I want to try and heal, but the last contact we had was unpleasant...he punched a wall in anger and was shouting at me that I was 'a psycho' - I'm definitely not by the way , I'm just really really hurt. He has a habit of calling his ex's psychos as I think he can shift the blame away from himself.
But I am now stuck in this feeling of loss , while he is probably saying all the right things to his ex and will move on happily while I am unhappy.
I have learned from this experience but I just don't see me finding anyone who I feel so much for, again xx

nequidnimis Sat 20-Jun-15 10:47:07

It's obvious you're really hurting, but to the outside observer he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Let him peddle his crap to his ex while you move on - or at least just give that impression initially - to better things.

You're only in your 30s, I think the odds are that you'll find someone else and wonder what you ever saw in him, although of course it won't feel like that now.

I think that, coming out of your marriage, you seized on him as your confirmation that you were right to end the marriage - you saw him as your happy future. Now you know that not everyone is nice, or truthful, you won't get caught out again. Be on your own for a bit, focus on other things, and then be more selective.

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