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Found out today H is cheating. can I write her an awesome msg on fb

(22 Posts)
CookiesNookie Sat 20-Jun-15 03:54:35

Just that basically, found out H is cheating, he was supposed to be in work but had the day booked off. I questioned him and he refused to tell me where he is. It's now almost 4am. I've finally figured out who the person is and she's friends with him on fb and I managed to get into his fb.
I basically want to write a msg " when you done fucking my husband, ....." But not sure what exactly I want to put. He has completely screwed up our lives with this info. I then want to update his status with a similar type of msg.

CookiesNookie Sat 20-Jun-15 03:55:57

Oh meant to say it's 4am and he clearly decided to stay there instead of coming here to admit it.

LizzieBelle Sat 20-Jun-15 04:03:07

Oh your poor thing (hugs) Its tempting to do that, but bide your time. Maybe pack his bags for him so he is ready to go back to her?

TheCowThatLaughs Sat 20-Jun-15 04:03:11

Erm I can see why you want to do it, but I wouldn't. You'll just be exposing your life for the titilation of loads of Facebook dickheads. Are you sure you've got the right person? What if you've made a mistake?
Sorry your h is being such an arse flowers

Rinkydinkypink Sat 20-Jun-15 04:11:58

I know you want to but I wouldn't!

I'd be packing his bags, hunting out money and getting as much moved across to you as you can.

Don't air it all on Facebook you may come to regret it.

ohtheholidays Sat 20-Jun-15 04:20:51

Like the others have said make sure you've sorted things out for yourself first,money,proof for a divorce(if that's what you want)any paperwork,solicitor and then let the bastard have it!

I hope your okay flowers

FeijoaSundae Sat 20-Jun-15 04:55:39

How horrendous, I'm so sorry.

Please reconsider the Facebook idea. The person it will reflect the worst on is you, and you don't deserve that.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 20-Jun-15 05:01:11

I agree. Tempting as it is, you've got some 'background work' to do and the 'element of surprise' will be your friend.

Pack him a bag, leave it on the porch. Put the key in the lock so he can't get in.

Check your finances. If you can, move some money into an account only you have access to. Find all important documents. Book an appointment with a solicitor ASAP.

But first, find someone, friend or relative, to lean on in RL.

CookiesNookie Sat 20-Jun-15 05:08:02

He turned up at 4am just as I was trying to fall asleep. Denied and denied until finally admitted and confirmed its the name that I knew. Just chucked his clothes he had with him out in the rain and sent him back to her warm bed. He left.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Sat 20-Jun-15 05:12:02

Sorry this is happening to you. Good on you chucking him out! As all the other pps say, get your ducks in a row. Gather any and all evidence, important papers, keep aside enough money that only you can access etc.

Are you ok? (Stupid question, I realise).

CookiesNookie Sat 20-Jun-15 05:24:17

I changed all online passwords to everything. I didn't allow him to go further than the front room where he could "explain" his actions. Only reason he hasn't left me before or why he didn't want to end before starting a new relationship was because I was going to take the kids to my hone country and he couldn't jeapordise that.
To be honest I don't know how I feel. I'm not crying I haven't slept as well and kids will be up soon as we had plans this morning. We are the new family at school and we've been invited to our first BBQ by a group of the mums and their respective partners to get to know him a little better as well. Oh well.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Sat 20-Jun-15 06:13:29

What a rotten bastard!! Could you legally take the dcs to your home country? Is that something you are still considering? You must be in shock! How long has it been going on?

CookiesNookie Sat 20-Jun-15 06:33:16

Our home country has changed the requirements that we must have an affadivit signed to allow me to take the kids. We already had a holiday booked for Oct.
he is now repeatedly calling me asking me not to cause trouble at work as he is a manager and she is under him.
Only thing was after he left I found DD1 aged 7 on the stairs having listened to it all.

Aussiemum78 Sat 20-Jun-15 06:43:51

You don't owe him squat. Let him think you will tell work (even if you won't). Don't let him come home.

If you can't face today, just send a message that you have a vomiting bug and apologise. Keep yourself rested and eat something, you won't be able to manage much more for a day or two.

CookieLady Sat 20-Jun-15 06:56:06

Fuck. I'm sorry you're going through this. How's you're 7 year old?

FuckitFay Sat 20-Jun-15 07:03:37

You sound very strong. Did you suspect deep down for a long time?
I am sorry I can't understand what he means about not telling you as it would jeopardise going home? Does he mean he won't let you go know as now you know about the affair he's worried you'll stay there? Hopefully you can agree you can still have a holiday to see your family god knows he owes you that! So sorry what an absolute cunt to leave you hanging like that all night

Goodbetterbest Sat 20-Jun-15 07:46:25

I'm so sorry, but you did the right thing by not posting on FB. Recently at a party someone had their Phone out all night and everyone was watching someone else's relationship fall apart. It was really unpleasant.

FWIW we went on holiday 10 days after I discovered XHs cheating. Not great but we got through it, and your pain will hopefully be less raw by then.

I hope your DD is ok. Focus on your children now, getting the practicalities in order, a solicitor and most of all, be kind to yourself. We do get through this, and we can have better lives for it.

Sammasati Sat 20-Jun-15 10:04:47

You need some space so that you can decide what you want to do without being hounded by him. Tell him by email (emails can be used as legal documents, are time and date stamped and can be used to keep a paper trail), that you are blocking him from your phone, that you need space to think, that he should only contact you by email. You may feel that opening an email account just for communication between him and you will put a firm boundary around things (he is likely to bombard you with communication and this way you can read them or not when you want to). You should be able to block him from your normal email accounts.

Go and speak to as many solicitors as you can in your area, many give a free half an hour advise. Have a clear list of all questions you wish to ask. You need to spend a bit of time finding one that you feel comfortable with.

Make sure that you have the childrens passports stashed away safely. The advise about bank accounts that other poster have said is very sound, this man is no longer your friend, you can not trust him.

Log things with dc school and your gp, the school will need to know so that they can help support the dc. Logging things with gp will help with the paper trail and you may need help if you can't sleep, are stressed etc. you may find that at some point counselling may be benificial and your gp can refer you.

Keep copies or originals of all of your important documents, dc birth certificates, finances, etc in a safe place away from him, a good and trusted friend may help. Take photos of all documents and email them to yourself.

Find out what help you can get financially, eg single persons council tax, benefits, tax credits, etc. CAB may help you find out more on this.

Make sure that you have some easy to have nutrition for example soups and smoothies for the times you may not be able to face eating, you need to keep your strength up. Multi vits and minerals will help too. Teas such as night time tea, valerian etc may help you to keep stress levels down, scull-cap is good for anxiety. But always check to see if you are on any meds that you can drink/take these.

Seek rl support, you will need it.

Be kind to yourself, try to do relaxing things, walking, reading, soaking in a lavender bath.

Have a look at the berevement process as you are very likely to go through this and it will help you understand your emotions.

Be aware of things like hysterical bonding, the cheaters script, etc, again this will help you to understand what is going on and how to avoid pitfalls.

A good rule is to give yourself 24 hours to reply (if at all) to any (hopefully only email) communication from him. You do not dance to his tune, you have all the time in the world to reply. Also this 'rule' will help you to not react emotionally but to act in a cool, calm and collective manner.

It may be worth 'losing' your house key and getting the locks changed, so that he doesn't just walk in when he wants too at any old time of day or night.

I hope that you will be ok, (((hug)))

newnamesamegame Sat 20-Jun-15 10:27:23

Very sorry to hear this is happening to you...

Agree with everything else that's been said. Don't post on FB, it may give you short term sense of revenge but over the long-run will make you look vindictive and undignified and won't help your case.

Get as much information as you possibly can and get to a solicitor.

Goodbetterbest Sat 20-Jun-15 10:28:17

Excellent post Sammasti - it should be pinned to the top of the Relationship board.

On the back of it, is a helpful calculator WRT benefit entitlements.

agentbluebeast Sun 21-Jun-15 02:51:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Jun-15 05:04:02

I hope you managed to get through yesterday, Cookies, and that you're still standing after such a devastating discovery.

If you still feel like doing do so you can post on FB at some future date but for now you're best advised to keep your powder dry and use the advantage you have regarding him begging you not to inform his place of work of what he's been up to with regard to the junior colleague who is both figuaratively and literally "under" him.

Tell him you will be divorcing him for adultery and naming the ow as co-respondent. Make him sweat and get an affidavit signed by him so that you can take your dc to your home country for the planned holiday in October or earlier if you wish as it could be that, after what your 7yo dd heard, you and the dc will benefit from being with your extended family.

Whether or not you rush to divorce him is entirely up to you but be aware that from the date you discovered his adultery you only have 6 months to issue a petition for divorce and once that time is up you can't use this particular incidence of adultery to divorce him as you will be regarded as having condoned it.

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