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AIBU to want more in a relationship?

(27 Posts)
TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 20:56:26

Hi, first time poster so don't know all the right acronyms, you'll have to bear with me!

My OH and I have been together for 19mths now and in that time have moved in together and had a baby. Just as it looks we rushed into a lot and our baby wasn't planned. To be honest we didn't really know each other well enough in hindsight and now I feel trapped in a relationship because of the baby.

I do love him and the baby is beautiful. He's our entire world so as a fall back we can make everything about us whilst we ignore the problems in our own relationship. The fact is we haven't any sort of physical relationship, we don't kiss properly, we haven't slept together since April 2014 and we can't talk about it because he avoids the subject like the plague. It causes multiple arguments and we constantly fall out.

I feel like he doesn't love me and it's making me feel really unattractive. Having a baby changed how I thought about myself physically and this makes me feel very ugly.

AIBU to want more from him? Even a kiss? The baby was his excuse whilst pregnant and when we shared a room with him but now he's in his own room so I can only think the problem is me and he doesn't want to be near me. I don't want to walk away because the baby needs us both but I'm so unhappy now. ��

RepeatAdNauseum Fri 19-Jun-15 21:04:52

The baby does need you both, but not necessarily together. Two happy parents separated is going to be better than unhappy parents together, and you'll struggle to stay together for 20 years anyway.

I'd talk to him, and say that you either both need to commit to talking about the relationship and working to fix the issues or you are going to amicably split, and co-parent as friends.

It's not unreasonable to want more from him. It is unreasonable to stay unhappy if this is it. You've only been together 19 months, you can't base the rest of your life on this. And the baby will still be beautiful whether you are with him or with someone who actually makes you happy.

Talk to him first, though, and see if it can be fixed.

TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 21:18:49

I think it's the fact we don't talk that's a major problem. I want to talk to him but don't know how to do it. I feel like the wicked witch half the time because I know he's miserable too but don't know where to start. I know walking away would be the hardest thing to do in the world as I'd miss the baby too much and it would break my heart. I feel like I'm being unfair to him because it's clearly my own insecurities making me crazy. Sex isn't necessary is it? Can we just live as two adults bring up a child and nothing more?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 19-Jun-15 21:24:14

I don't know what you would be happy with, but a relationship with no communication and no affection would destroy me. I need those things. You're not wrong to want more, this isn't any kind of relationship. Coparent amicably before you end up bitter and resentful and hate each other.

Leaving a relationship because you are unhappy is a good reason. Your ds won't thank you for modelling a miserable relationship for him, and teaching him that he shouldn't expect more. You can both still parent him.

RagingJellyBean Fri 19-Jun-15 21:30:47

I'm sitting here confused & questioning if I wrote this myself & didn't remember?!

My situation is a carbon copy right now except we have had sex more recently. My OH is the same though, he closes up when it comes to sex & for the last year & a half since I had my little girl he's never tried to have sex with me it's always been me initiating it.

I'm left feeling upset, depressed, ugly, unattractive & really rubbish.

We also argue about it constantly & it gets us nowhere.

I have no idea how to fix this situation but all I know is that you(we) can't continue being unhappy and without sex. Sex breeds intimacy & without that you've little relationship.

TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 21:37:43

Hearing that you know exactly how I feel jellybean is actually helpful because it means I'm not totally bonkers thinking I might be being too harsh.

I can't bring myself to leave because my DS is only 5mths old and I can't be without him. Leaving would mean leaving him here because I have no home myself anymore and it would be unfair to take him all over whilst I found some way to support myself and rent a home for us both. Plus I want to change things I just need help starting the conversation. I really need a hug confused I'm almost at the stage where I want to wake the baby up just to get some cuddles (almost... I'm not crazy enough to do it though!)

RagingJellyBean Fri 19-Jun-15 21:42:14

I completely understand! You're absolutely not too harsh or bonkers!

I also understand not wanting to leave, I also couldn't leave because every other part of my relationship is fine and I love my OH very much, and financially I would never cope! It's just sex that lets us down. I have a high sex drive & he has virtually none. It's awful sad

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 19-Jun-15 21:46:30

Can you make steps to leave in the long run? Do you work (and are you able to start putting some money aside?), or do you have family who could offer you houseroom?

If he isnt prepared to sit and talk and try to make things better then nothing is going to change.

TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 21:47:46

Maybe we are the same person jellybean! I've not been sleeping much recently and suspect insanity! Thank you for understanding. I think have incompatible sex drives is the issue. I respected his decision whilst pregnant (begrudgingly) and didn't want to psychologically damage the baby whilst we shared a room. Now however I don't see the problem. If I was him I'd have MADE opportunities to be alone and jumped at the chance if it happened organically. I've made myself pretty easy if I'm honest and feel like a frumpy ugly fool now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 19-Jun-15 21:51:15

You're trying to force a situation which will never be what yoI want it to be. You deserve better from life, all of you. And it's far better to split when children are young than drag it out until they are really aware, when it's going to happen inevitably anyway.

TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 21:51:21

I did work and am currently on maternity leave still. Going back full time would mean nursery fees and that leaves me with about £70 a week to live on which would cover nothing close to rent or feeding myself (he still eats for free as bf).

He's fantastic at being a daddy and the two of them adore each other. I can't ruin that simply because I'm selfishly wanting more. I'm a bad person. I'll try harder. I'll go down now and try.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 19-Jun-15 21:56:47

As a lone parent you would be eligible for 70 percent of your childcare fees paid.

Splitting doesnt make him less of a dad - you wouldnt be ruining their relationship by splitting.

TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 22:14:00

Thank you everyone. I'm not giving up on us without trying. I've said we will talk tomorrow and so we will. The presence of our LO will at least mean we have to be calm whilst we do. Plus it's Father's Day this weekend and his first so I'll not ruin that.

I'm such a bad person

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 19-Jun-15 22:29:26

Why do you keep saying you're a bad person?

TeddyBear2015 Fri 19-Jun-15 23:02:07

I feel like a bad person because I should be able to sort this out. I'm in my 30's and in no way stupid. I feel very selfish though and like I'm being unfair to the poor boy not considering his feelings.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 19-Jun-15 23:18:55

The poor boy being your DS?
It's not stupid to be in a relationship that isn't working out. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. I get that you will need to get there under your own steam but please don't think you need to martyr yourself just so your child can have two parents together.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 20-Jun-15 07:52:16

You are burying your hand in the sand here. I just cannot see this relationship going the distance.

you would be crazy to give up your job. You and your dp should be sharing childcare costs.

Your job is you way out of this misery.

You can put your name on the council waiting list.

No sex = just friendship not a relationship and it just cannot continue under false pretences

Penfold007 Sat 20-Jun-15 08:22:50

The impact of pregnancy and the subsequent child has a massive impact on a relationship. You became pregnant before you'd really even developed a relationship. You both decided to have the child but the relationship hasn't transpired.
Talk to him and find out what he wants, you may find that co-parenting but not living together is what you both want.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 20-Jun-15 10:00:30

Who owns your home? Is it rented? Who is on the rental agreement?

You assume you would have to leave. As primary carer you would potentially need to stay, even if it was your partner's home before you moved in. You don't have to consider leaving your ds.

I don't think you realise the damage growing up in an unhappy relationship will cause your ds. Whereas growing up with parents who are separate and friends, can be a very positive experience.

I remember sitting down and deciding that if I just held on for another 14 years, then I could l leave once the youngest had grown up. It was a terrible idea and of course things got worse.

You don't have a relationship. Go to relate. Try to fix things. Do everything you can. That's fine. And if it helps then great, and if it doesn't then they can help you split amicably. If it turns out that it's what you both want then you may be able to continue to live together separately in the short term (although this could cause more resentment, especially when one of you moved on and found a new partner).

This is not how it's supposed to be. You have not failed. It just didn't work out. It wasn't meant to be. children want their parents to be happy. That's what they need.

pocketsaviour Sat 20-Jun-15 11:32:36

^^Everything FuckYouChris said.

Also, try to get yourself down to CAB and get some advice on what benefits you would be entitled to as a single mum. Ask them about getting yourself onto your local waiting list for council housing; it's possible that your "partner" may need to formally evict you to give you priority with this (I'm presuming it's his house or tenancy.)

There is no way on this earth you'd be forced to leave the baby, so please put that right out of your mind now!

You seem incredibly down on yourself for the "crime" of wanting to be happy. I'm wondering if that's something you saw in your parents' marriage - did your mum or dad stay even though they were unhappy? Have you been taught that your happiness is unimportant? It's really not, you know. flowers

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 20-Jun-15 11:48:19

This relationship is probably over anyway, the question is do you want to drag it out or get a new set-up started. Your partner isn't behaving like he wants to be in the partnership at all, you aren't even flatmates that get on well, and its only a matter of time that he or you find someone else.

You have had great advice, as someone pointed out, you would get about 70% of childcare paid for as a lone parent, so working may not be as financially disadvantageous as you suppose. Even if it is, this situation isn't sustainable and personally I think it's better to get it sorted now than wait til your LO is more aware of what is going on. The baby does need you both but not to live together and have a terrible relationship, then split up when they are older and more aware.

I am not of the LTB variety and where there's hope, would always encourage you to at least consider what could be saved, but here you are not in a relationship really. Have a chat to him and see where you stand, but I think if he wanted to have a physical relationship with you, he would be having one, and he isn't. I don't know where you can go from here than split up (if you were very happy, years in, and had a great relationship apart from sex, that's different, but you don't sound like that's the case here).

TeddyBear2015 Sat 20-Jun-15 12:40:25

Thank you for all the advice and perspectives. In terms of my own parents they split when I was 18mths old and fought ever since. I saw him holidays till I was 12 and then he got remarried and had more children do I've not had a relationship with him or seen him more than a couple of times in the 20yrs since. I'd not want that for my DS and feel I need to make it work for him even if that means my own happiness isn't met.

He owns the house and so I would need to move out and leave the baby here because I have no home for him except with family 240miles away and that's not fair.

I'm going to sit down and lay my cards on the table today so we both know how I feel and what I need. If it works and we try harder I'm all for trying. I do love him and he's my best friend so I WANT it to get better for us too. I'll let you all know the outcome.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 20-Jun-15 13:20:47

If you love him and feel he's your best friend, then you have nothing to lose by trying. I didn't get that impression from your OP, but it's always worth some honest conversations.

Do you think things would have been better had your parents stayed together? Just wishing things were different than your childhood won't necessarily make them better.

You seem to think if you sacrifice enough, it'll all be ok- you be unhappy, you be parted from the baby and this will make it fine. I really think leaving a 5 month old behind from their mother is about the worst option here- why not get a flat round the corner with the baby so your DH has access 50/50%? This type of sacrifice will not be appreciated by your child when they grow up.

TeddyBear2015 Mon 22-Jun-15 09:32:41

Well we had a chat on Saturday and we have got everything out in the open. He said he doesn't want to make me feel this way because he does love me but I'm still not sure anything has changed physically.

On the upside he has become more decisive and is helping me make decisions about the baby and what we are doing for the future. He has said he will help me with everything but there's no reason for us to stop trying and we will work it out. I think the baby being so big in our lives means we have very little time to focus on ourselves.

He wants to get married and have more babies. I would love this but only if we can have what I consider a normal relationship. Thank you everyone for your advice. I am going to try to stick it out for a little longer to see the changes if they happen and in the mean time start looking at a plan B in the background.

dippyd123 Mon 22-Jun-15 09:57:20

Sit down and try talk about what you both want out of life and the relationship. Having a baby does not always mean you have to stay together sometimes it for the best and good thing about a baby is they are still young enough to adjust. Trust me Ive ended up in this position twice

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