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gut says leave...head is playing the fool...breaking up when children are involved ��

(33 Posts)
Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 10:50:08

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twistletonsmythe Fri 19-Jun-15 10:53:21

Why on earth would you stay. He is untrustworthy and unfaithful. As a single mother you would be entitled to benefits so don't need to rely on him for money.

You are projecting onto him what you want him to be. Wake up and see what he is. And please get full STI tests. Goodness only knows what he has exposed you to.

I would say staying with him will hurt your children way more than being apart.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Jun-15 10:54:18

People who swear on childrens' lives are rarely if ever to be trusted.

I think you will only hurt yourself and in turn your children more if you choose to stay within this situation. No trust = no relationship to speak of anyway.

Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 10:56:49

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JessiePinkman Fri 19-Jun-15 10:57:40

Yes I have well sort of similar re the trust thing I identify with amouring (sp?) your heart against further pain & growing resentment. Dh cheated on me a few weeks before our wedding. 11 years & several kids later we are in the process of separating. I don't regret giving him another chance but ultimately could never fully trust him again & that's been like a poisonous weed in our marriage. We get on well though & of course I'm very sorry for the children when the time comes to tell them but it has been a long time coming & a decision I've made with an awful lot of thought. flowers to you. I think you'll know in your heart whether this is something you can get past.

twistletonsmythe Fri 19-Jun-15 10:58:30

so - why is your self esteem shot into such little pieces that you think this is what you deserve?

I would also suggest counselling for yourself. You know this faux relationship is wrong yet you don't leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Jun-15 11:00:08

I realised already that he had sworn on your son's life. Such people cannot readily be trusted. You have already had good reason not to trust him, he is inherently untrustworthy.

What is a dealbreaker for you if not what he has done already?.

Why is your heart still ruling your head?.

Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 11:00:23

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AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Jun-15 11:02:40

There is nothing to suggest he will not do this again; its all now under wraps and hidden away from your eyes.

By leaving him you will be keeping your family together; he is the one who has been thoroughly untrustworthy and has lied to you from the very beginning.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

twistletonsmythe Fri 19-Jun-15 11:07:42

erm - how exactly is it your fault? Where has anyone said it is? The decision to behave in such a foul way lies firmly at his feet. Or are you going to use that as an excuse to stay too? You cannot fix him or change his behaviour. You can only decide whether you are prepared to put up with this, and if you do put up with it, why?

Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 11:09:10

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Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 11:16:41

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QuiteLikely5 Fri 19-Jun-15 11:18:26

I totally see where you are coming from but give yourself credit. Despite his ways, you stayed, you tried to forgive him, tried to make it work.

Sometimes people can do stuff to us that can make us act in ways that are unrecognisable to ourselves. Ways that make us uncomfortable.

I think love goes hand in hand with trust and respect without all of these ingredients relationships just fall apart, be it gradually or swiftly depending upon those involved.

I think he crossed a boundary and I think, quite rightly you cannot forget it.

Do you know your uni has a fund that can help you with hardship?

They can help with all sorts of things loans, grants.

You'll get free nursery care or heavily subsidised.

Don't compromise your self respect for this man any longer.

twistletonsmythe Fri 19-Jun-15 11:19:45

But you don't need proof to leave. You can just end it.

And yep he may be honest with that phone - but chances are he has another, and a secret email etc. He would minimise and say it wasn't physical wouldn't he?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 19-Jun-15 11:20:17

Condoms in Thailand? Come on, I mean he may not have got the chance to use them but still it's a place where prostituion is rife

Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 12:04:09

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Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 12:07:00

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LadyBlaBlah Fri 19-Jun-15 12:09:09

Why are you choosing to ignore his behaviour?

His excuses aren't even very good. Or consistent.

So, you are with a cheater, what are you going to do about it?

Put up and shut up?
Leave?

twistletonsmythe Fri 19-Jun-15 12:12:28

yes online shenanigans is cheating

Of course your family will say he is ok - if they say you shouldn't tolerate it then they are saying their own actions are wrong.

Indeed - what are you going to do? You have all the info you need. It won't go away if you ignore it.

NinkyNonky Fri 19-Jun-15 12:15:38

My goodness, the lies just fall out of his mouth don't they. And not even very good ones!
I don't think it matters that it's been a year. You tried, he hasn't been able to rebuild your trust. It's not your fault and you've given the relationship more of a chance than many would.

JessiePinkman Fri 19-Jun-15 12:34:10

@jessiePinkman was his cheating some hung you carried around for those 11 years, did the anger ever go away??x
Yes the anger went, he said it was a mistake, I forgave him, he's never cheated again. There's nothing he can 'do' it's just that the fundamental trust is not there.

Smorgasboard Fri 19-Jun-15 12:46:08

Having a taste for transgender is pretty much like being of a certain sexual orientation. He's not going to suddenly change what turns him on, so I doubt over the past year he has stopped, just hidden it better more like. It will be on his mind, on his computer and in his thoughts at a minimum. Do you really want to live with him knowing that?
He is a man with very low boundaries and he's sinking yours to his level. I once dated someone like that, but I was in a weird place myself and just living in the moment, with no plans to have a long term future with him and certainly not children. Wouldn't touch similar with a barge-pole these days, a reflection of being happier in myself and having a healthier and better idea of what makes me happy. Are you happy? Sounds not, that is the only reason you need. There are no rules about what is bad enough to leave, your anguish is enough.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 19-Jun-15 12:54:50

What!!!!

The condoms fell into his bag. You believe that crap?

Wow what a story.

Yeah you made your bed and having a child with him wasn't one of your greatest moments but I believe we make our own destiny. Are you setting yourself up for a fall? Well the chances of that risk are greatly increased with this man.

If you want to stay then get therapy to deal with the trust issues.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 19-Jun-15 12:56:42

Oh and I agree his sexual preferences are unlikely to change.

Edinburghpudding Fri 19-Jun-15 13:11:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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