Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

why have i just messed this up? my fault or him

(29 Posts)
dippyd123 Fri 19-Jun-15 10:29:19

Hello, feeling bit upset today. I had been seeing a guy since Feb but had been quite close to him before that, there had been so many obstacles in the way that were just too difficult to over come. 3 weeks ago we mutually decided to stop seeing each other, was really hard 2 weeks and then last week he got in touch we met up at weekend for Sunday dinner he admitted he thought we should try again but go slow (think we were both expecting too much of each other) I agreed and had been a lot happier this week been txting none stop and skyping.

Then last night I invited him round was going great until I had forgot to put my phone on silent he wasnt purpously looking but i opened it in front of him I hadnt realised who it was and it was a guy ive been chatting to on kik never met him or barely spoke to him, he wanted know who it was. I had previously told him about sites I go on to chat more than anything before I got with him, I honestly hadnt been chatting to anyone whilst with him but obviously people have my contact details and I do still get the occasional message. He said he thought I had deleted my profile I admitted I hadnt but just left it dormant and I had nipped on a couple times last week. So he stormed out said he cant do it he had years of been messed about with his ex and hes not doing it again, says he really loves me but its just not going to work.

Tried messaging him but hes ignoring me I understand why hes annoyed but I honestly didnt mean anything by keeping profile open, I txt and said I will delete the 2 sites im on and ill delete the apps I chat to them via but ive had no responce.

Dont know what to do, I have really strong feelings for him and I know hes the same but in 5 months had so much to deal with. I could kick myself

fuzzywuzzy Fri 19-Jun-15 10:36:46

He decided on Sunday that he wants to make a go of it, previously it was decided it wasn't working.

you're hardly in am exclusive relationship are you, you're taking things slowly which to me means you're seeing how it goes, may end up not working so you're not deleting everything right now.

He sounds like he has ishooos.

stop texting him, hope you find someone lovely, this one will be back when you stop trying to contact him.

dippyd123 Fri 19-Jun-15 10:40:11

Sorry got to go work just seen time will reply tonight xx Thanks

Lweji Fri 19-Jun-15 10:45:04

Yes, he can't have it both ways.
You have only been seeing him since February, he calls it off, then back on.
Surely you are "allowed" to have friends and talk to people.

I wonder what the previous "obstacles" were and what you have had to deal with in these 5 months, but my initial impressions are that I'd prefer to detach from him and move on.

MiniTheMinx Fri 19-Jun-15 11:32:26

Too messy, just walk away and keep chatting on KiK maybe there will be a better prospect...always is (or maybe sometimes) for people who keep their options open...that is what you have been doing is it not!

dippyd123 Fri 19-Jun-15 14:54:32

Thank you. Problems have been abuse from his ex, trouble seeing his children, his shift work, my children, never having anytime for each other, our children met twice and didnt get on. The weekend before we split we thought we actually had a Friday night to ourselves and he had to rush over to take his son to a&e who had an accident his mum wouldnt take him because she had been drinking!! This was a major decision as he said he needs to concentrate on his kids doesnt want them left with her all the time..I actually saw another side to him he was fuming. So when he told me he needed concentrate on kids I agreed.

Think if circumstances were different things could be great sad. I honestly didnt keep the profiles up just as a back up I was happy and was going to remove them just never had the chance to get back on and delete it.

MiniTheMinx Fri 19-Jun-15 15:03:37

No time in 5 months...really? I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you, but its a mess isn't it. If your children don't get on, its best to just forget it really, it can't go anywhere.

pocketsaviour Fri 19-Jun-15 15:06:33

Problems have been abuse from his ex, trouble seeing his children, his shift work, my children, never having anytime for each other, our children met twice and didnt get on.

It's not meant to be. Life's too short for this! Let him go and move on. flowers

dippyd123 Fri 19-Jun-15 15:11:42

I did post on here when we first got together should of listened to advice knew id end up falling for him.

We got the odd night together but in morning was always one of us rushing off to work or for kids. We had one weekend a few weeks ago thats longest spent together.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 19-Jun-15 15:16:35

As any ancient Roman augur would tell you, the auspices do not bode well for this relationship and you most probably have the gods to thank for not having gotten around to deleting your profile/guy(s) you've been chatting to.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 19-Jun-15 15:20:14

he stormed out and said he can't do it
Believe him. Don't chase him. Don't "prove" anything to him. Imho, it isn't you, it's him. I agree with above posters who pointed out you were not in an exclusive status, so his (over) reaction to your existing profiles says more about him than it does about you, iyswim.

Isetan Fri 19-Jun-15 15:22:35

Didn't have time to delete your profile hmm but you had enough time to nip back on the site a few times last week. Neither of you seems to be particularly committed and since you've already introduced him to your children, it isn't fair on them.

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Jun-15 15:25:20

It's too messy. Just the fact the children don't get on would mean I'd lose interest - I would hate my children to have to be around children they didn't like and the chances are if they didn't like the other children, neither would I. As AndTheBandPlayedOn said, don't chase him now. Let this be the end of it.

Greta28 Fri 19-Jun-15 15:32:02

It's really tough to walk away now, but it'll be even harder later.
I've learnt that if man really likes you, he'll find a way to see/speak to you. Nothing will stop him. Please remember that

MiniTheMinx Fri 19-Jun-15 15:37:40

Adults with children 4-5 months in will almost always be rushing off to work or for childcare, is ever the case. Once you have children, that is the way it is.

I'm afraid I do have a little bit of sympathy with this chap. He likes you, he wants to give it a go. He can see that his rushing off and his hectic life, the stress of the ex and needing to be with his children will negatively impact. He ends it probably because he knows he can't give you the time you want. He comes back because he wants to, he is then met with "evidence" or what appears as evidence that you are not invested anyway. I was him, I would have reacted in the same way.

Can you put it right? No, let the man be. He can't offer you more time than he has, he can't be expected to drop his kids and pick up yours, your kids dislike each other, and the ex will invariably continue to cause trouble. Walk away before you get hurt.

MiniTheMinx Fri 19-Jun-15 15:38:55

*if I was him

LazyLouLou Fri 19-Jun-15 16:12:14

Leave him alone. Last communication "Yes, you were right, we just aren't in the same 'relationship space', goodbye and good luck."

Then block and ignore.

Next time, listen to common sense (or MNers) smile

dippyd123 Sat 20-Jun-15 08:26:05

I didnt have time to delete profiles while with him because on a night when id usually go on them I was in contact with him instead it just never seemed important to go on. I went on last week because we wasnt in contact needed something to entertain me on a night.

He did message back last night and appologised for over reacting about the message and profiles he explained his reasons which tbh were all pretty standard. He said he loves me and on the surface im everything he would want in a girlfriend but he wants to finalise things with his kids and a better routine for them. Like i said o here yesterday if circumstances were different and he agree

ScrambledEggAndToast Sat 20-Jun-15 08:29:31

You've done nothing wrong OP. Have you had the 'exclusive' chat? If the answer is no then you are free to chat to whoever you like. If he would like you to stop then he needs to be clear in his intentions so you can make the decision whether you would like to stop your chats with other people and be exclusive.

Lweji Sat 20-Jun-15 10:19:28

Where does this leave you now?
Have you officially split?

dippyd123 Sat 20-Jun-15 10:39:19

Yes looks that way! Know its for the best but really like him and enjoy his company feel really comfortable found him we seem to get each other.

Lweji Sat 20-Jun-15 10:44:30

What seems to me is that you are drifting along his whims.
What if he calls you again in a week and suggests you should try again?
And then finds another reason not to be together?
And so on?

dippyd123 Sat 20-Jun-15 12:11:35

I dont know i dont want to loose him but the first break up was mutual i was upset and he seemed to understand and we both agreed we couldnt go on.

I respect and love the fact hes so into his kids he adores and dotes on them i dont blame him for wanting to concentrate on them

Lweji Sat 20-Jun-15 12:38:53

You were upset and his answer was to break up?
Did you want to break up at that point, or were you hoping for change?

And he then wants to get back together, so that all stays the same, and you're glad he wanted to be with you, but changes nothing. Then he finds an excuse to be angry at you, so he can leave again.

I'd bet he will be contacting you again soon, and you'll be so ecstatic that he wants to be with you after all that you will take whatever he wants to give you.

I do think you should think very carefully what you want out of this and make your own decisions about this relationship. At the moment it's all about him.

arsenaltilidie Sat 20-Jun-15 18:36:52

You had been seeing each other for 5 months. On one night his child goes into A&E and you MUTUALLY decided to stop seeing each other because it was too much.

After 2 weeks he comes back asking to get back because he can't lbe without you.
A week later he finds you are still online dating.

And I don't believe for one second you never visited the profile during your relationship.
He should walk away.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now