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I don't think his parents like me

(65 Posts)
Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 00:32:12

OH's parents live about an hour away from me. I don't see them very often as OH doesn't really visit them much as he stays there half the week so tends to stay round here the rest of the time and I don't drive at the moment due to financial issues. From we first started dating, I got this vibe that they weren't keen on me. I'm quite awkward when I meet new people as I suffer badly with anxiety and it's often a trigger for me. Whenever we are round there though, I make the effort to engage in conversation and everything. His dad doesn't talk much but his mum will talk.

We went for a weekend away with them a couple of months ago. One of OH's brothers and his girlfriend also came. His parents were really chatty with his brothers girlfriend but when I joined in or spoke, it seemed like they ignored me or weren't really interested in what I was saying. They are close with both of his brother's girlfriends so I do feel left out which is why I made so much effort.

My birthday is the day before my OH's. They didn't even get me a card, despite knowing when my birthday is. They threw a surprise party on OH's birthday but they didn't call to invite me despite them knowing my phone number.

I haven't done anything bad. I know I don't see them that much but when I do I always make an effort even if I do come across as a bit shy. I've been with my OH for nearly two years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship whom they have never met nor asked about. Part of me wonders if maybe that's why they don't like me, because I have a child?

Maybe I'm being paranoid. They're okay to my face but I get the feeling they just don't like me.

Purpleknickers Fri 19-Jun-15 00:42:21

It's awful feeling excluded as I assume you love your DP just hang on in there and keep trying, it's possibly a combination of you being shy and them feeling lost but perseverance from you smiling and nodding could with time make things feel more bearable.
I truly hope it's nothing to do with you having a DD and maybe they just don't know how to 'be.The no card on your birthday was dreadful and I too would have been hurt.
You could confront them and try to resolve things but the danger with that is it could create a rift. Good luck

glitteryflange Fri 19-Jun-15 00:47:09

How long have you been together OP

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 00:52:07

I've been with my partner for almost two years. I hate feeling excluded all the time, it's like he has two completely separate lives and I only exist in one of them. The whole birthday thing kind of hit the nail on the head for me. Not being given even a birthday card and not being invited to my own boyfriend's surprise party. I don't really know what I can do. I make conversation, I'm always polite and nice and as much as my anxiety will allow me, I try my best to come across as the best girlfriend for their son. I've been there when the other girlfriends have been there too and it's like I'm this outsider. It feels crap sad

Purpleknickers Fri 19-Jun-15 01:40:54

Yes I agree crap and it can wear you down, do you have your partners support in this? Could he perhaps have a word and find out what the issue is? You would have thought they would be pleased he'd found someone like you rather than treating you like an invisible person. It's not you it's them and hard as it is hold your head high and keep plugging away if you want them to accept you and can live with the anxiety which must be hard

Vivacia Fri 19-Jun-15 03:08:24

Two things occur to me. This sounds more like a casual boyfriend arrangement than an other half. I'd suspect that they are taking their lead from him.
Secondly you are giving these people an awful lot of power.

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 08:56:43

Vivacia, I'm not sure what you mean by I'm giving them an awful lot of power?

My OH doesn't know I feel this way and tbh he's not the sharpest tool in the box and probably hasn't realised. If I was to say to him I think his parents don't like me he'd just say of course they do. At first I did think maybe they didn't see me as anything more than a casual thing so they weren't too interested in getting attached but we've been together almost two years now. I mean, I don't want to force them to like me, if they don't then okay but I just don't feel like it's justified.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:00:28

I think it's truly strange that you got no invite to his party! Doesn't he??

What does he say about it?

They've never asked about your child? That's just rude.

I think you are right, they aren't keen on you.......

AuntyMag10 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:02:02

It does come across that your relationship seems casual more like a gf than a partner. It's a bit strange that you've been together for two years but they've never met your dd. maybe they feel that you have your own separate life as well and they feel excluded in a way?

MadisonMontgomery Fri 19-Jun-15 09:03:01

What did your DP say about you not attending his party?

Faithless Fri 19-Jun-15 09:09:22

Talk to your DP and tell him how you feel. Maybe ask him if he thinks his parents would like to meet Dd and get his reaction?
Someone in my family has social anxiety and one of the ways this manifests itself is through always second guessing other people and what they think of her. It's always negative and she always feels people don't like her unless the other person does something massively kind and nice to change her mind. I not saying this is you, but just a suggestion of how anxiety can change perception of social situations.

DogWalker75 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:16:48

I think you're right about them not liking you very much, sorry. What does your OH say about the birthday invite? That is very odd! Even stranger is the fact your OH hasn't raised the issue himself.

Could it perhaps be because you don't live together, therefore they see it as temporary? Do his brothers live with their girlfriends?

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:18:49

My DP didn't say anything about the party really. When I said to him I was a bit upset about it he said well you could have come but you wouldn't have been able to get over here with DD and get back again before her bedtime. Which yes, that is true however I have people here who would gladly look after DD and even if not, should I not get at least an invite to my own partner's birthday party? Even just a "I don't know if you will be able to make it but we're doing a party if you would like to come." He has a twin brother so he was there with his girlfriend. Their eldest brother was there with his girlfriend. I just always feel left out. With my anxiety, I do find myself second guessing other people's feelings towards me even though deep down I know I don't have anything to worry about but I feel like this time I'm right. I mean, not seeming interested when I'm talking or making more of an effort to talk to the other girlfriend's is a bit shitty but doesn't necessarily mean they don't like me but not even getting me a birthday card and not inviting my to my own partner's birthday. That must be a good indication that I'm not being crazy and they actually just don't like me?

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:19:56

And dogwalker, his eldest brother lives with his girlfriend but his twin brother has the same set up as we do in that he will stay at his parents some nights and at his girlfriend's the others.

MythicalKings Fri 19-Jun-15 09:19:57

Do you live together, OP?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:24:04

I don't really think there is anything you can do about this either.

Your BF surely must realise you are not very popular with his parents.

I'm not sure you can change this at all. It's whether you can accept it?

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:32:14

I can accept it to a degree I guess. If someone doesn't like me that's their prerogative, I can't make people like me. But it is frustrating. I am a nice person, I'm always friendly and polite and caring and always stay out of trouble. I don't understand what it is that they don't like about me.

My partner is not very observant. He probably hasn't even noticed. Even though I wasn't invited to his party and all of that. I feel like there isn't much I can do to try to get them to like me anyway. His brother's girlfriends go round there on their own, they invite them for dinner and stuff even if their boyfriend's aren't there. They watch soaps together and have a good chat and they all have each other's mobile numbers so they can text and well, they get invited to stuff like birthday parties and family things.

They did invite me to the weekend away we had a couple of months ago and my partner's dad is turning 70 this year (his parents are quite old) and so is doing a big family holiday at some cabin which I'm going to. But I kind of feel like they only invited me because they were big things that they couldn't really not invite me to without being obvious about not really liking me iykwim?

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:33:02

Mythicalkings, we don't live together yet, no. He stays here most of the week but due to where he works, he spends a couple of nights at his parent's house as well.

27inmyhead Fri 19-Jun-15 09:35:54

I think as a pp said that they are taking their lead from him. Have you posted about your partner before? I seem to remember he is not putting you first/excluding you himself. How serious is he about this relationship?

Charley50 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:39:28

Does he contribute money towards bills and food as he is at yours so often?
I think it's mean of HIM not to have invited you to his party tbh. Even if it was a surprise he could have called you when it started. On the other hand, maybe it was just a few people sitting around and not much of a 'party' party so he didn't think you would be missing anything special.

MythicalKings Fri 19-Jun-15 09:39:45

It seems to me that he hasn't told his parents that he views you as a long term partner. It's a DP problem, I think.

Floralnomad Fri 19-Jun-15 09:40:54

It does sound a bit like they don't think of you as a serious girlfriend ,and they may well be getting that vibe because of things your boyfriend says when he is at home . They also may not like you ,who knows but the problem is not going to be sorted without input from your boyfriend and the fact that he hasn't done anything about it indicates to me that he sees you as a casual girlfriend

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:43:07

27IMH, yes I've posted about him before in here and he went through a phase of being a complete dickhead and treating me like I was basically a nobody. I had a serious word with him about it and told him if he wasn't going to change his attitude then I was gone. He's stopped being a dickhead now, for the most part, and seems to be trying his best to prove he's serious about the relationship. However, his parents were like this right from the beginning pretty much. I know they are probably closer to the others because they live near and visit often but in two years of being together, they have invited us both for dinner once. Most of the time they will ask my partner if he is going for dinner after work on a Sunday. Not me, just him. I feel stupid sometimes. Like when all his family come round or something, surely they must wonder why I'm never there? They probably think I'm some stuck up cow when in reality it's because I've not been asked to join everyone. It pisses me off that DP either doesn't see it or he does but doesn't bother sticking up for me.

Lilypad15 Fri 19-Jun-15 09:46:38

I think you're all probably right about it being a big thing on DP's part. I would have thought the length of time we've been together would indicate to them that it wasn't just a fling. I doubt he will have said anything to them about this being a long term, serious thing though but I would have assumed it was implied considering we're still together.

3teenageboys Fri 19-Jun-15 09:47:47

Hi there, how awful for you. You say your DP will push aside your concerns but what was his reaction when you weren't at his party. I know after 2 years my now husband would have gone balistic if I hadn't been invited. That behaviour is terrible. I think you need to speak to him about how he views your relationship because HIM accepting you not being there, is endorsing their view of you. That must have been so hurtful.
After 2 years I wouldn't even contemplate not inviting my son's other half.

You sound so lovely & unassuming but do not remain a shadow in his life
Be strong ....big hugs xxx

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