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The mask came off 3 months ago, stuck now, advice really appreciated

(76 Posts)
N0Way0ut Thu 18-Jun-15 22:51:10

DP and I decided to move in together three months ago (together for a year before that)

All was great, getting on wonderfully, so in love (i thought)

Literally within a week of setting up home together i caught him messaging and phoning other women from a well known online dating site.

Looking back, the signs were there, pretty sure he was talking & texting another woman even on the night we moved in to the new house as he kept disappearing for long conversations until i finally snapped at him to give it a rest & help me finish unloading the removal 1 in the morning.

Stupid old trusting, non interfering stupid cow that i am!

The most upsetting thing has been that, once caught he wasn't sorry/contrite/apologetic at all. Just told me to like it or lump it basically.

We are both tied in to a rental agreement for a minimum of 12 months and are therefore jointly & severally liable for rent & bills & upkeep of the house.

I had resigned myself to the fact that i'd just have to stick it out until the year is up but now i fear my mental health won't survive that long.

DP now seems to have no feelings whatsoever, just cold, calculated....well, evil is what i've come to call it now.

He has started briging women back to the house, sometimes for entire weekends, insists on sharing his relationship woes with me (unless i stay in my room or go out, he follows me around, talking at me constantly & no amount of telling him i don't want to hear it stops him)

His loud phone conversations with various women that often go on until 4 am keep me awake & if i've managed to fall asleep more often than not wake me up. All of the cleaning, gardening, arranging maintenance for the house etc falls to me, he pays his share of the rent & bills & that's where his contribution ends.

He refuses to lift a finger & if i dare pull him up on that i get a lecture on how much he does around the place, lists jobs he hasn't done & makes out i'm the one who never does anything.

I can't take this for another nine whole months, its destroying my mental health but, no matter how many options I think of I end up at a dead end & total spaghetti head.

Keep thinking about talking to my landlord & seeing if he would allow me to replace myself with a lodger instead but keep coming back to the fact that I signed a contract and the state of my relationship is not the Landlords concern, his only concern is that the rent is paid on time & the house & garden kept in a good state (quite rightly so, he's not a counselling service or a charity at the end of the day!)

Plus, i'm pretty sure that even if a lodger replacement was an option DP (suppose i ought to call him ex DP) would baulk at being asked to live wit a stranger and would make life even more awkward than he is now.

Has anyone experienced this sort of situation before (having to live with a total arse due to contractual obligations? Any tips on how to keep sane until escape IS possible?

Sorry if this all sound totally jumbled & disconnected, no one in RL to talk to & if I put too much detail down this will get really long & lift the lid completely on the box marked 'shitty stuff that is happening' where i've filed most of the emotions connected with this until I 'unpack' it in safety.

moonriverandme Thu 18-Jun-15 22:58:16

I have never been in your position. He sounds vile and I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Keep posting on here. I am sure you will get support and practical advice. It would help if you could trust someone in real life to confide in for your emotional well being.

LadyBlaBlah Thu 18-Jun-15 23:01:34

Just leave, and leave the rent to him - these contracts aren't particularly water tight.

Nothing is worth that.

it sounds like torture.

catrin Thu 18-Jun-15 23:10:51

Sweet lord! I thought I had been through it, but that is something else. As Lady says, can you not just go? Maybe post this in Legal as there as some fab legal people who are about on here (BabyBarrister?)

You cannot live like that. I wish you all strength to get out, you absolutely must.

HowDoesThatWork Thu 18-Jun-15 23:12:17

Move out and stop paying the rent.

Luckyfellow Thu 18-Jun-15 23:14:26

Leave. The worst that will happen is that he won't be able to pay the rent and he'll be asked to leave. That wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Mintyy Thu 18-Jun-15 23:15:32

Is there really no break clause at 6 months?

What does he say when you say to him "Look knobber, we were moving in together as a couple. You are clearly an out and out prick, what makes you think I'm going to stay here and carry on paying the rent like a mug?"

I mean, what does he actually say?

AnotherEmma Thu 18-Jun-15 23:18:00

Get legal advice. Call Citizens Advice Bureau. I'm sure there is a way you can get out of it.
I don't know anything about the legal side but I don't think you should be forced to live with someone after the relationship has broken down to this extent.
Good luck OP.

BitchPeas Thu 18-Jun-15 23:19:58

Fgs stuff the contract, pack your bags, then leave. Don't even tell him you're going. If you have utilities in your name call them, tell them you're moving out on X date and give them his name.

Let the tosser clean up his mess.

Gorgonzolacherry Thu 18-Jun-15 23:25:10

Oh god poor you. Is there a break clause? Normally at 6 another poster has mentioned. You need to read the tenancy agreement very carefully.

Assuming there is not, I would send an email to your agent or landlord and explain the situation. Say that your partner has cheated on you and you would like to move out of the property.say you are willing to pay the rent etc until a new tenant that is acceptable to the landlord is found. The summer market is a buoyant one and it shouldn't take long. I don't see why the landlord would refuse given that they will be covered for the rent as you are agreeing to stay on till someone is found.

If the landlord refuses,I'm think one way to get out of a shorthold assured tenancy is if the deposit hasn't been held in an authorised deposit protection scheme. In fact, many landlords forget to do this. So wait for the response from the landlord or agent to the above and then ask for details of how the deposit is held not showing your hand. If it isn't held ina scheme aNd indeed wasn't put in one within 30'days of the start of the tenancy this is a breach of the tenancy agreement and I think would justify you legally to end it. I'm going to double check all of this but I'm pretty sure its right.

Best of luck. This guy is evil. But I suppose count your lucky stars he showed his true colours before you had DC. Ain't no break clause then.


Golfhotelromeofoxtrot Thu 18-Jun-15 23:25:46

Many renters have a six month opt out option- could you contact your land lord and check if you have this?

Sounds awful.

Joysmum Thu 18-Jun-15 23:26:56

I'd talk to the landlord, but then as a landlord myself I would say that!

What does your ex say, would he be prepared to ask to end the tenancy early?

If I were your landlord I'd advertise and expect my additional costs to be met but as long as I'm not out pocket then no problem.

I've ended tenancies early before. Others the tenants have split and I've not been told but there were no issues with rent and the agreement went to a rolling tenancy as no notice was received.

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot Thu 18-Jun-15 23:26:56

Cross posted- gorgon has great advice.

Gorgonzolacherry Thu 18-Jun-15 23:29:28

That was meant to say flowers

I would be very careful about just leaving. I think you should try my approach above. You risk jeapordising future landlord reference which is important not to do and also potentially the threat or an actual claim for breach of contract. I don't think landlords or agents have the authority to report to credit reference agencies for missed payments of rent I the way that a bank or utility company can for late payments but this should be double checked. Also, are utilities in your name or joint names? Be very careful to get your name TAKEN OFF these accounts before you leave as any late payments related to the accounts could be reported to credit reference agencies and give you a bad credit record.

Sorry for going in to all the technical stuff but I think it's more important than the emotional side. If you can come out clean financially who gives a fuck about that absolute twat of an ex boyfriend.

AnotherEmma Thu 18-Jun-15 23:31:02

"say you are willing to pay the rent etc until a new tenant that is acceptable to the landlord is found."

I don't think you should do this, get proper legal advice before offering to pay any rent. There may be a way of ending the contract (or her part of it) legally without having to pay the rent for an unlimited time.

Tbh I think I would have moved out straight away.

OP do you have a close friend or family member you could stay with for a little while? Even if you're still paying rent (while you sort out the legal situation) it would be good for your mental health to get out of there.

And when you do move out, do notify the utilities, council tax, etc etc, as a PP suggested.

Gorgonzolacherry Thu 18-Jun-15 23:31:20

Final post for me...perhaps not necessary to tell landlord agent the personal detail...simply that you have separated from your partner.

Gorgonzolacherry Thu 18-Jun-15 23:34:46

Yes anotheremma is right....but I am confident that if there is nothing in the tenancy agreement allowing you to break early and the rules on the deposit have been abided by then you will have to pay until another tenant is found. Perhaps ask the deposit question first so you have that up your sleeve,

But you have to get the landlord on side and I think an offer to Contnue paying the rent until a new tenant is found is reasonable. Best to always do this orally rather than in writing so you can't be held to it, and if you do need to email mark all correspondence as "without prejudice" so it can't be used against you ina dispute,

AnotherEmma Thu 18-Jun-15 23:37:42

No no no. Why are you giving this advice without seeing the rental agreement?! She shouldn't offer anything to the landlord without checking the contract and her legal rights.
I hope the landlord will be reasonable but they might not be.

Gorgonzolacherry Thu 18-Jun-15 23:38:37

I'm a landlord myself and don't use an agent so I've researched residential property law etc to the hilt. It's always best to get professional legal advice however. Pop down to your nearest pro bono legal centre (Google it) with the tenancy agreement and get some advice before any next steps. But act quick. The summer market is good for tenants and you don't want to miss the boat. Also, finally! Is your name actually on the tenancy agreement? If may have no obligations. I have seen some agreements where only the man I the relationship is on the agreement,

AnotherEmma Thu 18-Jun-15 23:39:19

Meant to say "without first checking the contract and her legal rights"

Honestly think CAB or the MNers on the Legal boards (at the very least) would be best placed to advise.

Want2bSupermum Thu 18-Jun-15 23:42:05

Talk to your landlord. I'm one and I've had a tenant move out after 3 weeks as they got a job offer in another country. If you were my tenant and told me about your relationship I would be absolutely fine with terminating the contract.

Think about if you want to stay there and get a lodger in yourself. I would be fine with this and even cover the cost of new keys.

Gorgonzolacherry Thu 18-Jun-15 23:43:16

Anotheremma is quite right. But hope the above could be used as some guidance to your potential rights and obligations. Don't take any action until you've received legal advice which could as I say above be free at a pro bono centre. And armed with the info in this thread you'll go there with a fair understanding of what your position might be.

lavenderhoney Thu 18-Jun-15 23:56:25

Sounds dreadful. Do the legal thing before anything, and talk to your landlord and give notice formally yourself.

I've been a landlord and have had people ask to break tenancy for job moves, illness and all sorts - it's life and I've always said "'that's fine" you might be surprised.

The other thing to do is after all the above you tell your ex you are leaving and perhaps he has a new friend who might take your place. Then get your name off everything and be relieved you don't share space with such a dreadful man.

AnotherEmma Thu 18-Jun-15 23:57:27

"If you were my tenant and told me about your relationship I would be absolutely fine with terminating the contract."

At risk of sounding like a broken record (!) just because you're a reasonable landlord doesn't mean all of them are! I very much hope this one is and will be reasonable. But the OP can't just talk to her landlord and hope for the best - she needs legal advice first. (As Gorgonzola has agreed, thank you.)

Penguinandminipenguin Fri 19-Jun-15 00:00:44

This sounds awful op. Can you repost in legal to get some advice re tenancy agreement?

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