Husband phoning escorts

[Gardenchairs]

I suspected something was up, no sex for a while (young family/ tired). So I checked his mobile account online and printed it out, googled the numbers. Some are just for massage, but there is 1 escort. I will post later when kids in bed. Sorry to drip feed.

[Cabrinha]

You poor love. I'll check back later, I'm some years down the line from this, and divorced.
What an arsehole to do this to you.
I don't want to stick the boot in here, but unless a massage therapist is a physiotherapist or working in a hotel beauty salon, I'd be very dubious that the other massage numbers were anything other than a front for other prostitutes.

Come back and talk to us later

[Cabrinha]

Oh I'll be the first to lay a fiver on him saying that he was just curious and ever went through with it

[LazyLouLou]

Or he was doing it for a mate... the 'adult' version of a big boy did it and ran away!

[Cabrinha]

Oh yes - there's for a mate.
And the old favourite - I was with my mates and we thought it'd be a laugh.
Mate stole his phone to get him into trouble.

Let's talk about your emotions and what you want to do first though, deal with his inevitable lies and minimising after.

[Gardenchairs]

Thanks for replies. He has come home, knows something is wrong but taken DC out.
I thought we had a great partnership, married 5 years. Am SAHM (I know, I know- with occasional freelance work. I did not like my career choice but could get work in another field possibly of that area of work if/ when the need comes.) I looked up the numbers on his phone and many relate to massage etc as I said. It looks like he has left voicemails or just rung/ spoke for 20 seconds, 45 seconds etc.
I am going to set up a free half hour with a solicitor next week. We have some investments which, if I were to divorce, would give me a reasonable payout, eventually. I also have family round the corner who I could stay with with DC if necessary temporarily.
As for the emotions, I have a knot in my stomach, feel depressed, very sad. My feeling at the moment is that I would like to save the marriage if possible, but am not sure if it is possible. Certainly I am thinking of sitting down with him, and saying, 'Can you answer an honest question, have you ever done anything that constitutes being unfaithful?' He is/ has been honest, honourable in every way in the past except for this (and it is a huge 'this,' I know).
We have a holiday booked, he keeps talking about a few years down the line what we can do re this, re that, so I am pretty certain (but then who knows really??) that HE does not intend to leave ME.
My head is in a spin. We have a temporary lodger (leaves next week) so I am (at the moment) prepared to not say anything until next week.
Wish me luck in being a good actress in the next few days!
I must say his family and mine would be absolutely shocked to find out he has been behaving like this.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP - what a horrible shock. You sound quite calm at the moment (calm before the storm of emotion I expect). Use that to get your ducks in a row

[DinnaeKnowShitFromClay]

When you say, 'Just for massage'. You do know what that actually is don't you Garden ? Just checking.......
Sorry you have discovered this.

[Joysmum]

I wouldn't ask if he has done anything tgat constitutes being unfaithful, because I'd bet money he's justifying his behaviour to himself as not unfaithful, whatever your thoughts may be.

More telling would be to ask if he's done anything he needs to keep secret from you because he knows you'd be upset or angry.

Definitions of cheating mean different things to different people but if he's need to keep anything a secret or lie about it it's because he know darn well he's doing wrong but made a conscious decision to go ahead any way

[Nettlecatty]

Yes, I was just about to say that the 'massage' is very likely not actual massage.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

[DinnaeKnowShitFromClay]

I know this goes against a lot of opinions on here but I would use the next few days to have a further dig for information though. Knowledge being power and all that!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Yes, get your ducks in a row. Get your financial position clear in your mind

When you confront him just say "I know what you have been doing. Would you like to tell me all about it now?" (he will deny, minimise, cry, get angry etc etc)

Have a bag packed. Tell him to get out and not contact you until you are ready and not before. Then bolt the door behind him, switch your phone off and get your best friend round

I'm so sorry - it's so shit

[Gardenchairs]

Thank you all so much for posting. I have put a post in Legal for some practical advice. I have always been reasonably practical so (before the shock/ emotion sets in as someone said) I am putting some feelers out so I know my position legally.
Yes I am aware that massage sites can be fronts for escorts/ prostitutes. I have looked at some of the sites, and some say professionally qualified. The fact that one says she is an escort is enough for me. Perhaps my husband and I can come back from this, but only if he has not visited these women (naive, I know). Perhaps he has been to some or tempted to go to them but not had the guts, maybe he will or won't confess or spin lies, I can't speculate at the moment. I will confront him when I feel ready, but soon.
At the moment, as you lovely people have said to me, I want to get my ducks in a row and get financial info sorted.
What would I need to take to a free half hour solicitor visit?
My husband, as I said, has repeatedly said / done things that have led me to believe that he would not leave me but may like a little dalliance on the side (not with an OW, but a 'professional' service, but I am not ruling anything out) as our sex life has been non existent- something I was going to bring up with him but with too many people in the house and me not feeling attractive due to body issues.
I think that focussing on the practical side helps but I know the nature of my posts will change as my emotions catch up with me. Thank you all so so much for the advice and support so far and further support. I have been on MN a while now (NCd for this) and have much respect for the people on here.

[CalmMeLikeAnOcean]

He has come home, knows something is wrong but taken DC out

Why did you not have it out with him then. Talked about it. He has gone out knowing about the thing that you know about, but which you don't know he knows about, kind of thing.

Just a question, not a judgment.

[Gardenchairs]

Because CalmMe, there are other people in the house, another adult (temporary lodger), DC that were awake. I also don't feel strong enough emotionally to have it out with him yet. I want to let it sink in, process it and get my ducks in order as well. I have to go and do something now but will be back later.

[MeetMeLikeAnOcean]

Understand.
You are in control though. I know you know that.

[Cabrinha]

I desperately wanted to believe that my XH had only looked. It was easy to believe actually, not because I thought he loved me too much, but because I thought he was gutless! Just as you say.

Looking back, it really just my desperation, he obviously had. I don't want to twist the knife, I'm sorry - but how likely is it that he was too gutless to go through with it, multiple times?

Btw, my XH's phone was full of these just a few second calls. I think maybe a lot go to voicemail?! At the time, I used that as 'evidence' he didn't go through with it. I now know he's been sleeping with prostitutes for at least 25 years so no way were the short calls him backing out!

I'll just say this - what really did for my self esteem, was staying knowing (deep down) that I was being a total mug believing his "only looking" crap. I was, at the end, far more angry with myself for allowing him to treat me that way, than I was with him for cheating.

That you say he has made it known he'd go elsewhere for sex... charming. I'd think twice about trying to make it work with someone who was that nasty, even if they didn't go through with it.

[Branleuse]

Has your sex life been non existant for a long time?

[Gardenchairs]

sorry, no, I did not mean he had said he would look elsewhere, he has never said that to me. We had not had sex for at least 2 years and I have been burying my head in the sand. I got drunk last night and we had sex. STD clinic, right? Stupid me.
There is a regular number he dials but when I googled it al these Chinese figures came up.
I have booked an appointment with a solicitor next week. Just hope I can keep it all together for the next few days. Trouble is I was acting erratically last night and he knows I suspect something. Went to some friends this morning and they knew something was wrong. I cannot talk to anyone in real life at present as this is not something I want people knowing, even though I was not the instigator.
I don't know if I want to save my marriage- well yes I do and no i don't at the moment. I just have a horrible knot in my stomach and feel so sad.
God knows what the financial implications are- I am a SAHM with occasional work. We have a couple of properties with equity in them. Help!

[Christinayanglah]

I'm sorry you are going through this op. The not Having sex for two years is worrying, why was this?

I would be really careful in terms of having sex with him now, you really don't know where he has been

Unfortunately I think your discovery may just be the tip of the iceberg

[shovetheholly]

OP, I'm so sorry. This has recently happened to a friend of mine and it's absolutely awful.

I wanted to let you know the script that she's gone through, because I think it's quite typical.

First, he didn't actually go through with it/was just curious.
Second, he did go through with it, but it was rubbish and unsatisfying. It made him realise what he's got with you is special. You are so, so much better than all those escort girls!
Third, what he has with you has gone - it's your fault for being preoccupied/busy/tired. If only you'd just gone along with sex whenever he wanted it, it would never have happened.
Fourth, he couldn't resist. He has trauma in his past from period of no sex. No man can resist a blow job etc etc etc

All of the above is complete contradictory bollocks. Unfortunately, my friend has fallen for it hook, line and sinker. She is trying to lose weight and be more sexually available to make it all better. Unfortunately, she can't see the absolute blimmin obvious, which is that she just gave him a free pass to do this over and over and over again, and there is no way he will stop.

Hold your head high, and kick the bastard out!

[RubbishMantra]

Oh that's awful holly. He cheated, and she took responsibility for it. And she thinks it's her faULt for not being slim enough or satisfying him sexually? Poor woman, her self esteem must be on the floor.

OP - what a horrible shock for you. And the "massage" sites you googled. I'd be willing to bet they have pictures of women in underwear, rather than photos of the therapy room.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

what a awful thing to find out :'(
be kind to yourself, it's not your fault.
I am wondering if it's best you don't let him know what you have found, and just get the advice from the solicitor then you can go to him and say I found this I have been to solicitor and now this is 'my' plan.

[Cabrinha]

OP, I don't like the horrible shit that is detective work... I hated it.
But I just remembered something fairly easy to do, that gave me more evidence - albeit after I already had some and dumped him.
If he has sat nav, check all the postcodes in history and google them. I don't think it's something people think to wipe, like phones. I turned up a postcode for a "massage parlour" in the next town

[Greta28]

Speak to someone close, when you feel like dying.
I've called my mother before and was so hysterical I couldn't even speak, but she really soothed me. Please speak to anyone relatively close to you. Just speak love.

[Greta28]

As much as you don't believe the nightmare, he's been to these places. Most are very cheap and if he's searched it, he went there.

I'm so sorry, please talk to us. We're all here for you. I really truly care...