Will I ever trust him again??

[Louisa111]

I don't want to into full details but last year when our dd1 was 6 months I suspected my dh of having an affair with a work colleague. He swore nothing was going on but gut told me otherwise and there was things on fb ( her page) that I wasn't too sure of, few coincidences etc. He was very shifty regarding his phone, would never leave it lying around.
Anyway by Xmas they both ended up working in different offices and was led to believe they hadn't spoken/ texted etc which deep down I knew was bull!!

However about April time I found this to be a complete lie, it turns out they speak all time , only about work apparently. At the time I was angry but seemed ok with the contact as he told me she'd had a shit time blah blah blah and he couldn't just ignore her and she gives him lots of advice work wise.

However fast forward to now and I literally just don't trust him, I can't believe he lied to me over another women, esp someone I was unsure of anyway. His response was it was to protect my feelings.
It's left me so insecure, every little thing he tells me I wonder if it's a lie, if he's late home, doesn't answer his phone I think the worst etc!! I've started to just be really miserable around him, at times I just start on him for no reason as I'm so mad!! My biggest mistake was pretending I was ok with the lie when deep down I wasn't and now it's just festering!!

Help!!! I know my moods and behaviour is probably pushing him away but we have been together neatly 2O years, have never had secrets about anything. I told him at the weekend I'm not happy and i don't trust him and all he said was he's not happy either atm as all we do is argue and it's not gonna work if I don't trust him!!

BUT Will I ever trust him again??

[NeitherHereOrThere]

Its very difficult to rebuild trust when he is still lying and being dishonest.

[Louisa111]

I don't know if he is still lying or not but because he lied in the past I'm not sure about anything.
I found out they were still speaking as he accidentally sent me a txt and there was another number attached to it, when I asked who the number was he lied then too but I had ways of finding out and that's when I learnt / he admitted they do still speak but purely platonic

[BifsWif]

I'm sorry OP but he's not been honest with you. I suspect there is more you don't know. How can he expect you to trust him when a) you're still in the dark and b) he's doing nothing to try and regain that trust?

[AnyFucker]

liars are not trustworthy

it's an occupational hazard I am afraid that if you are found to be deceitful, it is going to be harder for people to trust you

if he doesn't accept that, he is gas lighting and disrespecting your feelings

your reactions are completely normal...His are those of someone with something to hide

trust yourself

[Louisa111]

Where so I go from here then?? I have no evidence of anything?? My biggest mistake when I suspected last year was to tell him what I was suspecting, I should've kept quiet and hope he tripped himself up massively.
I'm wondering if he's hoping I end it so if he us cheating/ lying he doesn't end up looking like the bad guy??
He said at the weekend just tell me to leave and I will, if we are both unhappy then we can find people that do make us happy.

That's no answer ffs!! Arghhh!! I just ignored him to which later he said he was sorry

[AnyFucker]

Yes, the passive aggressive "tell me to leave and I will" smacks of wanting you to do something he is too chicken to

I would think my marriage not worth hanging onto if the best way he thought he could regain trust was to continue lying and taunt me with empty threats

[twistletonsmythe]

He hasn't really given you any reason to trust in him at all - so why should you?

You can end a relationship whenever you want - you don't need proof of an affair to end it. I would call his bluff and agree he should leave. Why would you want him to stay?

[LucySnow12]

I feel terrible for you. If you really feel he is cheating, then you need to get evidence to back up what you say. Cheaters ALWAYS lie about the extent of their affair. If there is no way you can do this, then I would explain your feelings to your h in a non-confrontational manner. Say that you are feeling insecure about his relationship with this woman and it is destroying your family and happiness. Ask him to show you the e-mails/texts he has exchanged with this woman. If he is not willing to do this, I would worry. I think you need to get counselling. How is your relationship in general? Are you communicating, having sex? Having a child is a joy but it can also put a strain on a relationship. For women, their child becomes their number one priority and sometimes their husbands can feel less important. I would try to rekindle the romance with your husband - send him a flirty text today - show him you desire him, you want him. Right now, there is a lot of negativity between you, whereas with the work colleague, he is probably hearing how wonderful he is. YOU must be the one telling him these things - not someone else. I hope this helps and the two of you can get past this.

[Louisa111]

Yeah but how can I send him a flirty loving txt when I'm so mad at him and suspect things. I don't want to look like a mug .
I guess I was hoping when I told him at the weekend I wasn't happy and don't trust him for him to try and improve this but it backfired.
In the beginning when I found out I said I'd like to know when you have spoken and for about a week or two he told me. Then slowly it stopped and I have to ask ' have you spoken lately' and his reply was' yes, you know we speak a couple of times a week'.
I asked why aren't you telling me and he got all narky , ' what you really want to know that I've spoken and got her advice about spreadsheets' and said it wasn't important! I just feel cold towards him at the moment

[twistletonsmythe]

Haha - send him a flirty text! Oh of course, there you go. What awful advice. Sorry OP but please don't do the pick me dance.

[LucySnow12]

I've been married 26 years and the last two have been stressful due to finances. My husband and I had both built walls and there is resentment. It takes a lot of effort to save a marriage. You have two options, you can allow the bitterness and anger to fester or you can try to save your marriage by reaching out. If you don't feel you can send a loving text, then tell him how much he means to you and you want to make things work. I would rather look like a mug and know I had tried to save my marriage than not. None of us know your situation, so any advice that is given here is mostly based on our own experiences not yours. Some of the other posters are saying to move on. My advice is, if you want to save your marriage, you must fight. When you are with someone a long time, you can lose sight of them - forget to make them feel special and valued. Think about your relationship. Are you showing each other you care for each other? You need to rebuilt trust and love. Ask your husband if he is willing to do this with you.

[SlaggyIsland]

That's really really awful advice LucySnow.

[LucySnow12]

SlaggyIsland - Can you tell me why?

[pocketsaviour]

Because OP's partner clearly doesn't want to work on the relationship, Lucy. A relationship can only be saved if both partners want it to work.

[NeitherHereOrThere]

Cos doing the pick me dance really does erode your self esteem and makes you look desperate.

The more you cling, the more likely he will lose respect for you.

His actions show he is not willing to rebuild trust so there is no point in her trying.

[twistletonsmythe]

If one person has checked out a desperate woman sending flirty texts is just humiliating and pointless don't you think? Unless of course you want to lay yourself in front of him to wipe his feet on you all over again.

A marriage shouldn't be hard work, or involve belittling yourself to keep a prize of an unfaithful man.

[LucySnow12]

Pocketsavoir - NeitherHereOrThere - I can understand your points of view. I think though it is hard for any of us to know what is really going on in OP relationship from the 4 posts she made here. She is still with her H and I think wants to save her marriage. I was trying to offer some positive ways to reconnect. I wasn't advising her to cling but show her H that she still cared for him and wanted to work to improve their relationship.

[Louisa111]

In the beginning when I had loads of doubts he told me he loved me and only me etc etc basically everything I wanted to hear which was nice but then I found out that he was continuing to lie about this lady.
Now he still tells me he loves me but is sick and tired of saying nothing is going on but sadly his actions are speaking louder than his words. For me to then start sending flirty txts is a bit of a no go atm. Don't get me wrong we are speaking and chatting about the day but there's always an undercurrent bubbling away. I'm do 90% of all the chores at home and with dd as he works alot but even in his day off I don't get much help.

Also, He has the sort of job that I never know what time he will finish but I would say sometimes from
About 5 onwards if I try to reach him by phone it just rings and rings to which he will call me back sometime later with the usual ' didn't hear the phone, I'm on my way home now ' but you can guess what I'm really thinking. I guess I just wish I had a crystal ball.
I know we need to work at things but I'm pretty dam sure there's more to this working relationship than just friends, I don't know if it's an emotional one it a full blown affair so while I think that no way will is end him loving flirty txts, it seems desperate! Imagine if he showed her them and they had a laugh together about it

[Vivacia]

I wasn't advising her to cling but show her H that she still cared for him and wanted to work to improve their relationship.

But he knows that. She's not the one lying and having affairs.

[AnyFucker]

Lucy. ..do you think her husband is showing that he cares for her and wants to hang on to their relationship ?

Your advice places op in doormat position....not recommended

the best way that op could "save" her relationship (if she still wants to) is to state her boundaries firmly and clearly so he knows she means business

if he chooses not to honour them, then she knows where she stands

doing the Pick Me Dance earns you nothing but contempt....from a partner that loses further respect for your status as an equal participant in the relationship and from yourself as your self esteem takes a massive hit as a result of lowering yourself to cajoling someone into loving you

[LucySnow12]

Ok Louisa - sorry I made that suggestion. I'll stop posting now. I really hope you can come through this.

[Louisa111]

It's ok Lucy, I just needed to hear everyone's opinion on this as I don't know where to turn. That's your honest opinion.
I know when a baby comes along you have to work a lot harder at stuff and that is when things slowly started to go wrong but it was also the time that she started working at his company

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

As MNers always say, your gut instinct is there for a reason and it's wise to heed it. Sadly, your constant doubts, the "undercurrent" and all the rest are probably the result of tolerating what you know deep down to be continued lies; believe me I speak from bitter experience, knowing exactly what this can do to you

If this really is "just a working relationship" he'd have nothing to lose by being completely open, would he? The fact that he isn't unfortunately speaks for itself ...

[Cancookdontcook]

Hmmm the working late and not hearing the phone is setting off alarm bells. Is this other woman married op?

[Louisa111]

No she's single and 12 years younger but I keep getting told ' she 3 times the size of me why would i go there' which is a stupid comment . I've seen her Facebook photos which is a massive exaggeration and what the hell has size got to do with anything.
Yes the not answering phone really really winds me up. I don't alway hear my phone but it's almost like he can't speak and is waiting until he's in his way home to ring me back