Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just told Dh to leave. What now? any advice would be so appreciated.

(19 Posts)
itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 22:14:01

Dh and I have been together 8 years and have 2 children who are 6 and 2. I was young when i had dd and its never been great, things have been very up and down but he's been awful and even violent towards me recently. I could go on for hours about his lying, finding pictures of naked girls (whom he had been chatting to) on his computer and his abusive nature but I feel like I want to put all that behind me.
Today I decided to leave, I've been a SAHM for the past 6 years and have no career to go back into, ds is only 2 and I just feel lost.
We live in a private rented property and I have no idea where to start benefits wise.
Ideally I would start retraining next September when ds starts nursery and start work the following year.
Our rent is quite expensive but I really don't want to move dc's at this vulnerable enough time. Any advice?

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jun-15 22:16:02

I don't blame you at all. What was his reaction?

itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 22:18:25

He looks relieved. Said he knows he's not been great and we'd all be better without him hmm
It's been a long time coming, I'm not even in shock or upset really. I'm frightened for the future but I feel a sense if relief. I had a good cry before after reading something on here but I think it was more a happy cry than a sad one.
Is that awful?

IMurderedStampyLongnose Wed 17-Jun-15 22:19:17

Hi OP,I'm sorry that I have no real advice,but I wanted to say well done for breaking free from someone who was abusing youflowers You have just taken the first step towards giving your DC a better life.Perhaps tomorrow you should go to citizens advice,and then get your locks changed just in case.Best of luck for your future.

LondonRocks Wed 17-Jun-15 22:20:53

Well done! This is the start of a happier life for you.

Others will have practical advice, but I just wanted to say you've done so well, getting out of this.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jun-15 22:21:36

No, it's not awful at all and it's obvious that he knows it was a bad relationship, too. It's always sad when a relationship ends and there's always a fear for the future, but this one had to end if he was abusive. With any luck he'll learn his lesson before starting on the next woman.

itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 22:24:00

Thank you IMurdered he has been very calm in it all to be honest. He's going to stay for a few weeks to get his finances in order so he can sort out somewhere to live and I'm ok with that. Will give a bit of time for me to adjust and sort out my own finances but it's 100% over I've never been so sure.
There's a list as long as my arm of emotionally abusive behaviour and he's hit me twice (I know I should have left the first time)
I don't think he even likes himself very much and I do feel sorry for him in a way, just not enough to stick around for another day.

itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 22:26:59

Thank you London I do feel better already. Imperial I think part of the problem was crossed boundaries as we were together from a young age and had dd young and I let him get away with too much, the relationship never matured and the gap just grew bigger and bigger. He has anger issues but I think he would be different if he was in a better place. I hope he has a happy life and wish him no harm but I need to move on with my life now.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jun-15 22:40:31

That sounds really healthy. Sometimes the relationship is just wrong for both people and it can bring out the worst in both. Let him be free and be free yourself. I hope you have a wonderful future.


itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 23:11:18

Thank you imperial.

Baies Wed 17-Jun-15 23:15:58

Well done

But a tiny note of caution. This is a dangerous time for you if you're splitting up with a previously violent man. Please don't mistake how he is behaving now for how he could be behaving in a week or two. I think your aim should be to get him out asap and then focus in when he will see your children and the finances. Don't let him stay for any longer than is strictly necessary because you may find that you're suddenly back together again ..

itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 23:34:22

Thanks Baies I understand where you're coming from, I do want him out asap but won't be getting back together.
I wrote down a list today of everything I could remember that had happened while we have been together and I wanted to slap myself for allowing it to carry on this long. I know I need to do this.

Fallandfly Wed 17-Jun-15 23:49:52

Have a look at for benefit estimates also have a look at maintenance calculator to get an idea of what he should pay you (even if you come to an agreement) you may also qualify for two year funding for pre school if you are a loan parent so may be worth a look. Keep strong and stay safe

Baies Thu 18-Jun-15 00:00:16

Just keep your head down and no antagonising him ( I know how that sounds but hopefully you know how I mean it ) . You're very close now to a whole new life so please tread very carefully

itstimeformetoleave Thu 18-Jun-15 08:18:22

Thanks FallAndFly I did the benefits calculator and things are looking ok for the time being so that's a small bit of hope.
Dh was on a night shift last night so I've hardly seen him, he will be in bed all day today too so I'm ok for now but yeah I know what you meant smile
Feeling quite positive this morning. Going to call citizens advice this morning and get the ball rolling.

DownTownAbbey Thu 18-Jun-15 18:05:37

Good luck - this really is the start of a great new life for you and your kids.

Baies is right - this sounds very much like my supposedly amicable (and inevitable) split. Apart from being awkward sharing with an ex, my previously only emotionally abusive ex had me pinned against the wall and generally cut up very nasty over nothing. You need him out ASAP.

itstimeformetoleave Thu 18-Jun-15 20:21:25

I will, he works nights mostly so I'm alone for most of the day, had to see him for 5 minutes on his way out to work but I was busy with the kids. It's really weird living together separated. I thought it wouldn't feel much different until he moves out but it does.

Janette123 Mon 22-Jun-15 08:45:23

Well done for making a stand on behalf yourself and your children.

Now you need to get legal advice to see where you stand with benefits etc. Most solicitors will give you a half-hour free appointment.

If he has been violent to you, then you need to discuss this as well. Have you thought about getting an injunction - your solicitor will advise about this?

Sweetsecret Mon 22-Jun-15 10:07:34

Hey, regarding benefits, you can go on the gov website to see what you are entitled to, get applying and now as it takes a while to sort out.
Once you know you will be okay financially you can start to rebuild.
I was in the same situation recently, STAHM for five years and then H left me, I was totally lost re finances I have never claimed anything so had no clue.
There will be a number to call give them a ring and they will advise you, they were great when I called.
You should get Income support as your youngest is under 5, tax credits and housing benefit also council tax reduction.
It will keep you on track until you decide whether you are going to go back into work etc.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: