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Don't know who my father is.. hurts so much!!

(12 Posts)
220hawthorn Wed 17-Jun-15 11:08:11

Hope this is the right place to post.. Mine is a long and very complex story so will try not to waffle too much. I have carried this all my life and I am finding as I approach a milestone birthday that it is becoming an incredibly heavy burden which is causing me immense emotional pain.

I am approaching 30 at the end of this year and a married mum with 4 dcs. 3 ds and 1dd. I am one of 4 myself and I am the last born girl after 3 boys. I mention this as I wonder whether having my daughter who is also the last born girl after 3 boys has perhaps opened an emotional wound...

My brothers were in their mid / late teens when I was born my mother was a single parent to them having divorced their father many years earlier. Her job working in pubs for cash in hand in the evening and other casual work brought her into contact with various different men all of whom were married or attached . She fell pregnant with me. Growing up there was a man who did a job which took him away from home alot and I was brought up believeing he was my dad. Cant say I hadmuch of a bond with him but that may be due to the fact he was hardly there. Only as I got older I picked up on things. One memory I have clearly is of waking up in the middle of the night aged 5 or 6 and hearing mymum having sex in her bedroom with someone. I knew it wasnt my dad as he was away working in the north of the country and had telephoned her earlier that evening at tea time , something he did every day but strangely not at weekends.

She had a friend whose name is a male version of mine (only one letter difference in the spelling) and I became aware something was going on between them even from a young age. I was sworn never to tell my dad when my mums friend had been to visit and my mum used to burn incense to mask the smell of his aftershave in case my dad came home. I also remember her havivng his pager number written on the end of a postal order hidden in her needlework basket.

The story was my dad had been married (true) hed 4 other children who were much older (true) but they were scattered about the country hence why i never met them. His daughter lived in the channel islands and at christmas he would go every year and spend it with her as it was the only time in thr year he got to see her (true) me and my mum couldnt go as my mum wont go on a plane or a ferry which is also true. That accounts for my dad having never spent a single christmas with me in my life. As a young child you dont question it. You takethings at face value and you trust the adults in your life.

As I got older I thought about these things and the man who had been her friend and the irony I had a name the same as his wasnt lost on me. I started to wonder whetyer my dad possibly want my dad at all. It is something I cant explain, a deep deep feeling inside, lack of bond with his, didnt miss him if he wasnt there and so. It was not a hunch or something I considered flippantly. Importantly it was never anything I asked my mum about . I did ask my brother though who by this point had moved out, married and had his own kids. He felt rightly or wrongly I shouldnt be lied to and his relationshipwith our mother wasnt the best so perhaps he was gridning the axe. He explained my mum had severalmen around at the time of my conception, thatmy dad could not possibly be my dad as he had a vasectomy years earlier before he even met my mother. He also explained he was stillmarried to his wife and it was basically a long running secret affair with my mother. Whilst he did work away alot when he had days and evenings off he was at home with his wife. Pieces of the puzzle started to fit together now. My mums friend whose name I had also had a wife and grown up children , he was aware of my existance as he had seen and met me several times all be it not on a regular basis. He obviously also knew my name and would have thought I had been named after him.

My brother explained there was another 3rd man who again was married with adult children she had been seeing. Again I had met him as he bizarrely turned up round my houseone nibht when I was 13 asking my mum if he could have a photo to "remember me by" as he was moving back overseas. I found this veryunnerving and odd and questioned her on it, again it was waved away , the guy liked a drink admittedly and it was passed off as him being pissed and over emotional. As I got older it stayed in the back of my mind and I thought on it a great deal.

When I was 17 my brother suggested I clear the matter up by asking my mum if I could see my birth certificate. She said she couldnt find it. So I went to births deaths and marriages in the borough and requested a copy. I wrote my details down. The surname I was using and had done all through my life was a double barrelled surname. Very destinctive name and not one I have ever heard before or since. They lookedfor me and couldnt find me. I was taken into a side room. Bear I mind I was on my own doing this and aged 17. I was sat down at a table and the registrar brought and opened the original book from the year of my birth in the 1980s and opened it to the month of my birth. She asked me to comfirm a particular entry was my mothers handwritting which I did. What I saw sickened me and has haunted me since. Father unknown and a ljne through that section and the surname I hadbeen given was not the one I had used all my life it was a name I had never heard and I quickly found out it belonged to this 3rdman who had come around asking for a photo. Immediately it put 3 potential men into the frame of having fathered me.

I confronted my mum that night and agin there were more elaborate lies . That my dad was my dad , that he had the snip after I was born, everyone else says it was before. That I had thisother surname as he was going through a messy divorce to his ex when I was born and he didnt want her to know he had fathered another child as she wouldmake things hard for him in any settlement etc. All complete and utter bollocks. I never got the chance to ask my dad himself as he simply never came home again. He hadgenuinely been made redundant from his job and the line I was given was he had gone to work with his daughter and son in law in their business on the chanel islands. I never saw or heard from him again. One day he waz there next he had gone .

Fast forward a few years to me having a dp who is now my dh and a ds I began to dig about and I found out my dad had sold his house in london and moved to another part lf ghe country with his wife. I have since done a 192 search and have an address for them. They are ex directory. He is not a internet or techhy person so wont be on facebooktwitter etc. His wife has a friends re united account though. I also found contact details online for my mums friend whose name I have and I travelled by train svereal years ago and knocked on his door (my heart was in my mouth with fear when I did) eventally he agreed to a dna test which I paid for on account I didnt tell his wife and he made it clear he hoped I was his daughter (think it was a boost to his ego in his old age) and said he and my mum always said they thought he was my biological father but neither had evef bothered to actually find out and he had also moved away and never bothered to seek me out. We did the test and it came back negative.

It floored me and I found it hard to pick myself up but I felt having come this far I coildnt give up and it left more questions than it answered. So about 4 years ago I found the 3rd man whlhad wanted the photo. He agreed again to a test which again I paid for . He was utterly shocked my mother had given me his surname at birth when I showed him my birth cerificate. You could genuinely tell he had no idea. This test tol came back negative. I was distraught. This only left me with a man who had a clandestine affair with her for 25 years, had a vaxectomy before I was born although she still refutes this, but at least he ad pretended to be a father figure to me of sorts. I went to my mother and told her that it only left him and that there is clearly more to the story (if thats possible) after threatening to cut all cobtact with her and also travel to this mans house and come face to face with him she admitted there was a 4th person. Agai maried again with grown up kids. All I had was a name. Its a very common name. I have never met him, dont know what he looks like, dont know his birthdate nothing....

That is what I am left with. I have struggled deeply with my identity. My surname at birth is from a man who is not mh dad, the surname I then used all my life is from a seond man who is not my dad wither and my christian name is from a man who isnt my leaves me feeling I am a mash upof all these people, living in their shadow witn no identity of my own. I feel likekthas defined me as a person. The bastard child no one wants. If I can be born from all these lies, deceit and dirty secret sex what does that make me as a person. It makes me feel like I am nothing. Who am I, where do I come from, who do I look like, where do certain characterisitics in me and my children come from. I literally feel like half a person. Now I am approaching a milestone 30 birthday it has hit me like a ton of bricks. What was happening 30 years ago. Does this other man know I exists. Did he want to be in my life. Does the man I thught was my dad ever think about me. Does he remember me on my birthday like I do on his. Am I wasting my time and emotional energy on people who couldnt give a fuck about me.

I have an address for "my dad"do I write to him and ask him to contact him and ask him to be tested. He would be in his 70s now amd I am accutely aware time is ticking. If I dither too much one day I may go to look flr him and he be dead. If it is him I cant expect a relationship due to his situation but at least I can lag my head on my pillow and know who my father was. If itz him it was feel like my childhood wasnt the lie I thought it was but then I will have to face the fact he walked away from me . Maybe he walked because he doesnt think I am his and maybe it made his decision easier or eased his guilt.

And of course if he did have the snip and its not him that leaves this other man. I only have a name and have no desire to find him as I have never met him so have no feelings or attachment to him at all. But again I will at least say I know the name of my father.

If your still reading thankyou so much. Sorry for waffling and all the spelling and grammar mistakes. Opinion, thoughts, comments... xxxx

SusanIvanova Wed 17-Jun-15 13:06:04

You're not half a person. You are a whole, strong, remarkable person.

I don't have any advice op, but I needed to tell you that you are not less because of this. thanks

Nettlecatty Wed 17-Jun-15 13:20:42

I really think you should just go for it. As you say, time is ticking. At least you would have tried if it doesn't work out. x

ravenmum Wed 17-Jun-15 13:31:08

If I can be born from all these lies, deceit and dirty secret sex what does that make me as a person.
Innocent of any wrongdoing, the same as any other little baby born into bad circumstances.

There is no real divide between nice people and bad people. We're all people, it's just that some of us have done more stupid things than others. Your dad, whoever he is, hasn't spent time with you, so if he does know of your existence he doesn't know you as a real person, just as a vague concept.

When his brother died, my uncle discovered that he had had an affair a long time before, and a daughter that no-one knew about. My uncle invited the daughter to the funeral, and kept in contact with her, welcoming her into the family as it was all so long ago. Your father might act like that, or he might not be interested in staying in touch for some reason. Neither reaction would say anything about you and how deserving you are of love.

Pangurban Wed 17-Jun-15 13:31:37

A rose by any other name.. Somebody else's name does not define you. If you really want to try all leads, then do as you may regret not doing it as time passes and the opportunity is lost.

You don't have to invest any feelings into it, it is for your own aims. It must be difficult, but you know we all may have lines that are not the true biological ones. Days before dna/blood testing etc. Don't they say that some of the royal lines were fathered by other men than the assumed royal males.

Don't let this stuff eat you up. Live this one life we have to the upmost. If you look, prepare yourself emotionally and treat yourself well!

RegTheMonkey1 Wed 17-Jun-15 14:38:52

I don't know how to send you a PM, and I don't want to hijack your thread by telling my story but just to let you know, the feelings of shame, disgrace, secrecy and so on that I carried vanished in one moment when my sister (who I didn't know was my sister) turned and said to me: "But YOU didn't do anything wrong! YOU have nothing to be ashamed of!" It was a complete revelation to me - I hadn't done anything wrong! As someone said above - you are innocent. I know how you feel and I think you should pursue it. You need answers and you need closure.

220hawthorn Wed 17-Jun-15 15:35:01

Thankyou for your replies. As Pangurban says we only have one life and on more than one occassion I have felt like just giving up my life. Whats the point but I have 4 dcs who I cannot inflict this kind of pain upon of having an absent parent so I have to keep going somehow.

RegTheMonkey1 I will pm you x

DorisDazzler Wed 17-Jun-15 16:24:06

My story is very similar to yours Op. Several affairs and a question mark over my paternity. Like you I discovered this as a teen when I saw my birth certificate. I went poking about but quickly decided against it. Tracking down men who had had a brief relationship with my mum seemed intrusive and wrong. Whether they were my biological father or not wouldn't have changed much for me.

It's a troubling subject and more common than people think.

220hawthorn Wed 17-Jun-15 17:06:14

DorisDazzler .. I sound hard when I say this but tracking them down doesnt seem intrusive or wrong to me at all. They knew what they were doing at the time and so have to face the consequences of their actions should it come knocking x number of years later. Maybe I sound bitter and angry but I have so many different emotions. Also in my casethese daliances shall we say went on over a time spanning years not a few bunk ups here and there

DorisDazzler Wed 17-Jun-15 17:41:14

Hawthorne I wasn't suggesting that it's wrong for you to do that , only that it felt wrong to me. I don't think my mum or her boyfriend thought a baby would come of it , and when it did I think my mum did what she thought was best and let me assume my siblings dad was also my dad. We didn't see him at all so it made little difference really. Had my older sibling not told me I would have been none the wiser. I still question my siblings motives for telling me this when I was a teen as it was very upsetting.

220hawthorn Sun 05-Jul-15 23:02:39

Had a couple of better weeks but today I just broke down in tears about it. So very hard and something silly opens up the wound again

VixxFace Sun 05-Jul-15 23:21:45

thanks op
I understand where you are coming from. My mother refused to tell me who my father is and constantly lied.

You are not half a person. Don't let your mother's poor choices define who you are or how you feel about yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

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