husband hates me

[Cally34]

Hi
I'm feeling really sad and just wanted to chat to someone.
My husband is being really difficult. I think he's depressed but there's no way he'd admit that. Everything is apparently my fault, lack of a job, him having no career or money, no friends etc.
I have always tried to support him in all his ventures but he accuses me of not helping him.
We three three kids and he agreed to be a stay at home dad while I work full time.
He expects so much of me. To work, care for kids when I get home and on days off, housework and cooking. I never get time to myself. Made to feel guilty.
He constantly puts me down. I've gained a little weight (I'm 10 stone) since baby three and he picks on it constantly saying I'm fat and ugly and he's ashamed to be seen with me.
I feel embarrassed to tell anyone I know about this awful marriage. I don't know what to do anymore.

[zarzlee71]

Hi hun, it sounds to me like he is putting you down because he wants you to feel as low as him, which isn't fair. I take it you have tried talking to him? told him how you feel? hugs

[CharlotteCollins]

Is he this critical of other people or is it just you?

Depression doesn't turn you into a selfish, cruel bastard.

[LineRunner]

He sounds awful.

Would you like to live apart from him?

[Cally34]

Seems to be just me. I get the brunt of his anger.
I just feel really upset with the whole situation. Constantly put down I feel ugly and worthless most of the time

[Cally34]

It's getting to that stage line runner

[CharlotteCollins]

One thing you can try, if you haven't already, is to expect more of him. He should do a fair share of the housework (depending on how full-on the parenting is during the day - does he have all three of them at home all day?) He should do half if not all the cooking.

[wallaby73]

You've had 3, yes, 3 kids and you're only 10 stone? AND he calls you fat and ugly? Unforgivable. Let me guess - he is in racehorse condition, no?

[CharlotteCollins]

X post. If it's just you, then he is choosing to be like this. It's good that you feel close to wanting to leave - that's a healthy response.

[LineRunner]

Cally, I would start making plans in your head about what things could be like if you lived apart.

[Cally34]

He talks about leaving me quite often recently. I don't know how I feel about this the kids would be devastated.
Trouble is I don't know if I love him anymore. We've been a couple 17 years and it has not always been like this. Increasingly worse since we had the kids.

[Cally34]

He's quite athletic and eats healthily.

[LineRunner]

He still sounds awful.

[Cally34]

I'm scared of the future. I don't know how I'd cope alone. My family aren't always very supportive.
my husband often threatens to file for custody of the kids and the thought terrifies me.

[Cally34]

God please reassure me not all men are like my husband.

[DJThreeDog]

My husband is a SAHD. He looks after our children and house while I work. I'm pushing 13 stone and he still finds me desirable and sexy and is very affectionate.

So no, not all husbands are like yours. Yours might be depressed, he might just be a dick. He's acting like one for sure.

[Jux]

You'd cope. You're pretty much coping along now, aren't you. You'd lose constant picking at you and demoralising hurtful remarks, so you'd probably manage a lot better. It's quite possible that the children would find that the atmosphere lightens and they feel happier.

He won't get the kids in the very unlikely event he'd actually ask for custody (many abusive men make this threat, they don't follow through because they don't want the children, they just want to keep you in line).

[LineRunner]

It sounds like you take over looking after the children the minute you walk in the door? He would not be able to demand sole residency anyway.

Is it him using old expressions like 'file for custody'? You don't really hear that much these days. I wonder if he is watching too much tv.

[serin]

What an absolute shit of a bully he is.

He has no friends because he is not a nice person.

Cally, you don't deserve to be treated this way. Has he ever hit you?

[Cally34]

You start to feel as if you really are the one to blame for how things are.
People will tell me it's him who has the problem and I know they are probably right.
He always has a good argument for persuading me that things are bad between us because of me.

[zarzlee71]

Think about it, if you didn't have him around you would be doing what you already are but on the plus side you won't have poison tossed at you. x

[Cally34]

Yes he has hit me. Not life threatening stuff. But grabbing my throat, pulling my hair, slapping my face.
I feel ashamed to admit it. This is the first time I have.

[zarzlee71]

Don't blame yourself! He is a bully x

[zarzlee71]

Well after reading what he has done physically to you I defo suggest you really think about weather you need him in your life. my ex was violent and over 3 years he got worse and I was left walking around with black eyes and bruises all over, trust me, once you get away from that and see yourself for what you really are (beautiful!!!) you will be alot better off x

[Joysmum]

You need to report any threats and violence. You need your duck in a row because I fear things will escalate

[Cally34]

Bet you all think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think I am.
I do want to help him though. He used to be such a lovely person until about 6-7 years back. He started losing his hair and it knocked his confidence. He lost his job and I think he feels being a sahd is a failure. He does love our children and they him.