Relasionship falling apart with DD

[Thedeciding1]

I think is time for her to move out before we end up killing each other.

She is twenty and I had her really young (15) so we bother kind of grew up together. We had a lot of help of family and a bit of an over bearing mother who treated us both like her children. And still does sometimes.

I made a few mistakes growing up but I got a career and made a good life for us. I have now two small toddlers to my DH. Dd1 loves them and they love her.

I don't feel like dd1 respects me as a mother. We argue like sisters over things she should be doing round the house. She pays hardly anything in rent although she has a good wage. She leaves her dirty plates and clothes out side her bed room for me to pick up, which ive stopped and her room was filthy.

I run about after her and get no thanks yet I fell like she is always looking down her nose at me.

I just tried to speak to her about somthing and she stropped out telling me I was hard to live with and always looking for a fight.

If I try and talk to her in a pleasent tone I'm patronising, if I talk in a firmer tone I'm looking for a fight.

She has also starting joining in when me and DH are having a bit of banter like 'oh here she goes again, God why do you have to start arguing all the time?" Which make me respond with "I'm not" which is ridiculous as I'm having to explain I'm having banter with my DH. (Who thought it was funny)

ive just just told her it's time for her to move out and I feel really shit about it. I don't want to fall out with her but I can't stand this anymore.

Any suggestions??

[Thedeciding1]

Anybody ? Bump?

[Whichseason]

You are not wrong to ask her to move out.

Speak to her tomorrow and say you follow my rules which are x, y x or you move out. Unless you don't want to give her the chance to improve.

[wallypops]

She's plenty old enough to move out and grow up. You don't need a third wheel in your couple either. It's completely inappropriate. Long term you'll be doing her a favour. But Im tough on these things. My kids have been told at 18 I'll be expecting them to be moving out. Clearly I don't mean that I'll be showing them the door at 18 but I'm trying to sow the expectation that they will have their own home.

[Thedeciding1]

Yeah Dh has just said similar but he doesn't think that asking her to move out is fair as she has no where to go.

Plus I tried speaking to her at weekend and she just flat out denied everything. Then i took her out to lunch to smooth things over

[Thedeciding1]

wally I agree. I don't think she would ever move out unless nudged anyway as she has so much spare cash living here, why would she?

[MatildaTheCat]

My relationship with ds2was pretty awful until he moved out. She will learn to appreciate you much more and you won't have to look at her mess.

Yes, time to fly the nest.

[wearymum73]

I'm sorry your going through this with your DD, I got to the same stage with my DD, and she moved out at 19 before we killed each other!
Before she moved out we tried a list of rules, ie, doing her own washing up, being polite. Which she could not do. As she knew the rules, she knew it was time to go before it happened.
You said your DD earns good money, then it's time for her to go and be on her own. My DD only earns minimum wage, but she has survived fine in the last 8 months, and we get on so well now. She phones me most nights, and comes come for a weekend once a month. It was the best thing for us.

[QueenQueenie]

I have officially failed as a parent. Ds1 tells me that once his A levels are finished he wants to buy Grand Theft Auto. Shoot me now.

[HormonalHeap]

My heart sunk when I read your dd's age as I'm going through the same with my dd 18. Was really hoping things would get easier. You may actually find if/when she moves out that things might be worse to begin with, but at one point she will start to respect you and understand your decision.

I don't think the close gap in your age Is necessarily the reason she doesn't respect you. Whatever she thinks of you, she should respect the fact that you love her.

[QueenQueenie]

Sorry. Wrong thread!

[Thedeciding1]

Thanks for the replies.

DH is from a family where they battle it out and muddle along so he is reluctant to go down the 'it's time to fly the nest' road.

She moved in with her BF last year but came home due to them splitting up and it was great as we would meet up in the city in her lunch and have a catch up. She complained of having no money (no money to eat in fancy restaurants every weekend) so I think it's that what is stopping her from flat sharing with one of her GF. She works in the City so it makes sense instead of the commute she has to do every day.

Gah! I'm going to 'try' speak Tomoro when she gets back in from work but the other two dc are in bed by then and I don't want raised voices. Maybe we can help her with a deposit for some where.

[Thedeciding1]

thanks hormonal . It's Probally been getting worse since she has been 14. But yes she should respect me because I love her In the same way I do her.

[pocketsaviour]

he doesn't think that asking her to move out is fair as she has no where to go.

You're hardly throwing her onto the street to live in binbags, are you?!

You said she was earning a good wage so I'm assuming she can at least afford a bedsit on her own or a houseshare with others. Can you and/or your DH sit down with her and help her work out a budget so she knows her realistic affordable rent, and then agree to go with her to view places, if she wants?

Sorry - just seen your updated post above about her not wanting to flatshare. Well that's just fucking tough. You get around that by telling her you're increasing her monthly rent due to [whatever is the median houseshare fee locally] and she now has to buy her own groceries. Alternately, as above she gets a flatshare locally and commutes.

The time has now come for you to be tough with her, because she needs a push out of the nest. She is being very disrespectful of you and ungrateful of the fact that she's getting extremely cheap bed and board, so she needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

I'm saying this as someone who threw out their DS at age 17 because he wouldn't respect house rules (and I'm not talking about just "clean your room") very long story and he was horribly upset at first but our relationship now is stronger than ever.

[Pony74]

I'd move the DH out first.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

She needs to move out! Even if you had been married to her dad all through (as some people might think is the way to get most support - people who don't read MN, you know, those people), you'd be going through this now. Two women, one hearth = trouble.

She needs her own home. She needs to find it.

The complication is that you have toddlers by your partner, so as your (even if adult) child, she will feel pushed out. She needs that push, but to be reassured that you love her.

Now, your DH. Think animal kingdom. He has two females. That makes him feel good. It doesn't matter if this is at a subconscious level. He's playing up for the young female he hasn't yet impregnated. I'm not saying he has any such plan. Just that nature will be working on him. He feels flattered by her attentions, if they get along well its a boost for his ego. But they mustn't be allowed to gang up against you.

You have toddlers with him. You are committed to raising them with him. Normally, I'd say 'Keep the daughter, sack the DH' but she's starting out on her adult life. Moving out will be good for her as well as for your family unit.

[operaha]

one of the first replies about list of x,y,z hit the nail on the head for me. did the same with dd 17 it worked - number one was to be polite, just like you, had her young, she seems to spoil for a fight, mocks me if I dare argue/disagree with anyone else.
things are ok but having said that she stays at my mums a lot...

if we weren't mother and daughter, we certainly wouldn't be friends

have , I could weep for you.

[BalloonSlayer]

Why Pony ?

The DH is the one who doesn't think the DD should be asked to move out.

And where the hell does the OP suggest her DH is "playing up for the young female he hasn't yet impregnated."

All she says is that the DD accused her of rowing with her DH but she was having a bit of banter with him which he found funny, so that is the evidence they were not rowing. Are we all reading the same thread, or have some posts been deleted without notification? "Flattered by his attentions" ? "Boost to his ego" ? Where are you getting this from, seriously WTF?

Talk about blame the bloke.

[PuellaEstCornelia]

MrsTwee - animal kingdom - really?
Seems like she's stuck between being an adult and a teenager, and that's not comfortable for either of you. But she won't fly the nest if it's too comfy.
So put up the rent, ask for contribution to food, no cleaning or laundry - and don't take the crap! Easier said than done, I know, but I used to say 'Would you talk to your boss like that? Colleagues? Strangers in the street? Well why me?'
Love my daughter to bits, but I love her better in her own house!

[Bakeoffcake]

Why don't you try making some rules, before you ask her to leave?

Have a list and tell her that they have to be adhered to or she will have to find somewhere else. Then it's her choice whether she behaves and stays or leaves.

I think this is a much better way than just telling her to go.

I've 2 dds- 21 and 24, both at uni, but both had gap years where they drove me mad. So I did the rules thing, must do x, y and z, must clear away, must cook at least one meal a week etc etc. it worked really well.

[Bakeoffcake]

I actually can't believe the number of people throwing their teenagers out.

[Skiptonlass]

She's an adult with a decent job. She needs to be paying fair rent and contributing to household chores.

I'd sit down with her and explain that you will need x amount of cash a month (whatever the local price for a room in a flat share is) and draw up a weekly task list that shows what you will do and what she will do. Stay calm, don't argue and expect a strop. She is still getting a good deal - a secure loving clean home with no dodgy flat mates! When I was that age I was just scraping by as a student in flat shares with zero extra cash.

I'm stunned at how many teenagers and young adults treat their parents houses like a free hotel. my parents made it very clear that they wanted me to be independent but that if I really needed it, their door was always open to me. That's an amazing sense of security and I've always been grateful for it. I've never needed it thank goodness but if I did I'd be pulling my weight. To not pay board and help run the house is just not ok in my book. It's basic respect.

[holdonaminute]

This happened to me and my DD when she was 20. I tried everything to get through to her to no avail. After a particularly bad row she packed a bag and stormed out. She told everyone I had thrown her out! She stayed at a friends and then moved into a house share. It was the best thing that ever happened for our relationship. Five years later we get on really well and she now comes to me when her housemates aren't doing their share! She's really hardworking and organised.

[meddie]

Bakeofcake I cant believe the number of tenagers who think they are adults now and you cant tell them what to do , but still expect the perks of being a child (washing,cooking,cleaning,ironing done for them and cheap accomodation to boot) its either one or the other.
You can love your children without being a doormat and a martyr to them.

[Bakeoffcake]

Mine were still at college doing A levels, so I can't imagine throwing them out, no matter what. I suppose if they are earring it's a different matter. Still very sad though.

[MatildaTheCat]

I think you have to be there to understand how bad it can be. Actually I didn't throw my ds out ( or indeed, ask him politely to leave), he went to a house share and didn't come home. We subsidise him because it's better all round. It wasn't just the mess, it was a higher level of disregard for us and the house. He has improved so much in three years. I've always believed people don't fundamentally change but he has proved me wrong. Except the messiness...However, he's a lovely and kind young man and the disrespect has gone. If he needs to come home temporarily I don't think it will be marvellous but hopefully never the pain of before.

Young people can be massively selfish. The dd in this case also sounds a bit jealous and possessive of her mum due to their early dynamic. Mum has grown p and become a fully functioning adult whereas dd has not and doesn't like the change.