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V quick advice needed over trying to find out the truth from dh?

(17 Posts)
doublechocchip Tue 16-Jun-15 17:49:59

4 weeks in from finding out from dh's affair. He originally said it was an emotional thing, then admitted to 2 'long' hugs then to having sex with her once at a staff do.

I confronted other woman today and asked her what physical things they had done together and she repeated that they had had 2 hugs and the night at the hotel,

Now to me it sounds like they've rehearsed their story as why would a hug be a big deal? One of those times he was leaving his place of work so everyone would have been hugging him,

I think there has been more but how can I get him to confess/trick him or do i just have to accept it as the truth? He's back from work in 2 hours.

AnyoneForTennis Tue 16-Jun-15 17:52:41

You could say she (ow) has told you everything and that she couldn't stick to their agreed story. Ask him to start again as you want to see if it matches her full confession

Sorry you are dealing with this

You'll get people telling you to leave it, what's the point etc, but I'd be the same as you. I'd want to know details.

Tell him she told you more than she did. Has he been away with work? Is there anything you already suspect him of? "That night at the conference in Glasgow" or something?

Cancookdontcook Tue 16-Jun-15 17:53:30

If you know for sure they have had sex, does it matter how many times or how many hugs or how long the hugs lasted?

There may well be more to it, you're right to be suspicious that they have got their stories straight, but I would act upon what you know (which surely is enough to question the future of your relationship.)

And I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. What a shitbag.

FenellaFellorick Tue 16-Jun-15 17:54:33

I think it's a pretty safe bet that he's lying and will admit only what you can prove. That's par for the course.

Does the information affect your choice? Is it that you will leave or stay based on his answer? Or is it that you need to know but it won't change what you choose to do?

Perhaps bluff? Say to him that you talked with X today and her account appears to differ somewhat from his. So he either tells you the truth right now and it had better match what she told you, or he continues to stick to his story and you're done with him.

But that's risky of course.

I guess it depends what you want to do with the information, and what choice you intend to make.

Sorry that you're going through this.

bobbywash Tue 16-Jun-15 17:57:03

Don't get me wrong but why is this so important, he's confessed to the affair, you clearly don't trust him in that you don't believe he's told you everything. Is telling you everything going to restore your trust in him or make it worse?

Once the trust has gone, in my view that's it, the end of the relationship. If you are hoping to rebuild it, from what you are saying you can't as you don't and will not in the future trust him.

doublechocchip Tue 16-Jun-15 18:06:02

I just feel so guilty ending it because of the kids. Dh is apologising, grovelling, promising me the world but I agree I don't trust him at all.

I just think with more evidence I get the easier it would be to say 'that's it'. Ridiculous really as before this had all happened I would have said that I would have finished it immediately if he'd have ever slept with anyone even just the once.

DrMorbius Tue 16-Jun-15 18:06:26

To get anyone to tell the truth, the consequence of not telling the truth needs to out-weigh the consequences of telling the truth.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Jun-15 18:23:41

Why would he tell you the truth ?

he knows the worse the "evidence" the more likely you call it a day

you could try saying "tell me everything and I will try to get past it" but then you would make yourself as manipulative as he is if you know you will not

zip don't really understand why you shifting your own goal posts

he's fucked another a staff party

you can either stomach being married to a man capable of that or you cannot, I am not really sure where you can dig up a middle ground from

AnyFucker Tue 16-Jun-15 18:24:30

zip 😕

AnyFucker Tue 16-Jun-15 18:24:51


LucySnow12 Tue 16-Jun-15 18:44:45

I've read a lot about affairs. And one fact is, the cheater ALWAYS lies about the extent of the affair. If you suspect your spouse of an affair, before you confront them, the advice is to get as much evidence as possible. Then drip feed it to them to determine if they are being truthful. If he truly wants to save your marriage, he must re-establish trust. He must be absolutely truthful and answer all your questions. You must absolutely have access to ALL his pins and passwords and check them. I hope you can save your marriage.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Jun-15 19:02:42

Ok, so far we've got 2 hugs shags before the staff do and a night in a hotel during which they had 4 or 5? shags, plus a couple of quickies by way of appreciation of what went before, and a few additional shags during those times that they attempted to bravely bid farewell forever to each other, plus at least one for the road when they finally parted - if, in fact, they have.

Mmm, according to my calculator that adds up to considerably more than the one they're admitting to.

I know it, you know it, and they know it, but you're never going to get your very own deceitful adulterer to admit it.

Tell him that, regardless of whether it's 1 or 101, you've got more than sufficient grounds to divorce him for adultery and name the ow as co-respondent and wait to see if that acts as a truth drug.

Is the ow married btw?

GinSoakedBitchyPony Tue 16-Jun-15 19:14:59

I'm repeating myself but I don't think I've posted this on any of the OP's threads, so here goes.

I used to be a mod on an infidelity board that had a lot of traffic.
Anyone affected by cheating could post there, so we had the betrayed spouses, the cheating spouses, the OW and the OM.
Every single time a cheating spouse was 'busted', at the very first opportunity they would contact the affair partner and work on getting their stories straight. The stories invariably involved lots of minimising.
Apart from that, I'm not sure what else you want to find out here OP.
You're very unlikely to get the truth from either of them. If you want to stay with him, you have to decide whether you can trust him enough to not do this again, and whether you can forgive him.

broadbeanstew Tue 16-Jun-15 19:18:20

Surely that's enough? I've been there and it really sucks but I would kick him out. Don't feel guilty about the kids, they will be fine because they've got you. HE is the one who has broken up the family.

BoxOfKittens Tue 16-Jun-15 21:07:19

My ex cheated and I never got the full story from him which made it difficult to move on. Fortunately I saw enough emails, texts and even some photos which told me enough to know that it was over between us.

Perhaps explain that to maintain any respect for him you need full disclosure. Tell him you won't fly off the handle or burn his clothes or anything, you just need the truth for your own sanity as the imagination is the worst place for these things to be left.

It's a very difficult time. I think we sometimes want the details in the hopes that we can have a little rope to cling onto, something that will make it seem not so bad. "This is awful but it was only once... Maybe I can live with that". Trouble is that he didn't tell you the full extent of things from the word go, so I don't think that you will ever be able to believe him. Even if he says that it was ten times, you will be wondering if there is more. He concealed this from you then continued to lie.

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