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relationship help

(19 Posts)
littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 17:33:12

This is v long so bear with me.
I dont want to drip feed. Dh and I have been together 13 years. 2 DC.
Approx 7 years ago I was diagnosed with MS. This diagnosis hit me very hard. I am still stuggling with accepting things. I was diagnosed just after i had my daughter and suffered a relapse which wasnt very pleasant.
I returned to FT work after mat leave still unwell, and looking back PND.
I have struggled since this point really. Further MS relapses have left me unable to work for the last few years. I will prob be unable to work again.
Debt problems have increased, anxiety, depression etc.
Around a year ago i started drinking. Staying up late not coping with life in general.
I am mortified and disgusted with what i did.
I started chatting to a man online. Photos etc. Im sure you can imagine.
I hate what I did. I am repulsed.
My DH discovered what was happening. Obv he was devastated. I hate what i did. I have suffered low self esteem all my life i was out of control. I had created a litle bubble to escape to.

I have worked hard to recitify what i did. I have undergone CBT, counselling I am on ADs medication for anxiety, i have unburied my head from the sand from what was going on.

My DH agreed to stand by me. I hate what ive done and realise the impact and the devastation I caused.
It hit him harder than we could imagine.
He has been struggling since. I hate myself for this.
we have gone through periods of more accusations, him being paranoid which is all my fault I know.
Over the last few months things have got worse. Some of his behaviour is probably deemed as EA.
Threatening to leave me, insulting me, horrific name calling telling me im crazy and i deserve it.
mood swings gas lighting etc.
Now i know i caused this. Ive held my hands up. Never blamed him. I made promises to address the issues I have.
I am in a different place I have worked so hard to prove im sorry. Ive kept to all the things i promised.
He is still struggling. He has threatened to leave so many times, so I snapped 3 months ago and told him no more threats. If he cant do it. Just go. He did for 1 night
We have been trying work at it since then. But things are getting worse.
I know i caused this. I did what i did.
But am i expected to take this punishment for ever?

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 17:39:15

I have to add that he is currently awaiting a counselling referral himself. He never really accepted depression as real. He dismissed my feeling and didnt want me to considerADs in the past. He has finally accepted that depression and anxiety are real And acknowledged that this was a hugefactor in my behaviour.

He also had a terrible childhood. I think a lot of the feeling of rejection he had as a child has had an impact in how he has dealt with this. This is something he iskeen to discuss when he finally sees a counsellor

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 17:44:14

Im sorry for the length of this. I would appreciate any advice.
We are at a stage where i need to end things because i cant take the constant emotional battering. Which i know i have caused its my fault but i cant take anymore

Hexiegone Tue 16-Jun-15 17:56:15

Was he never like this before you did what you did?

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 18:07:37

No. He has always been a wonderful partner. Wonderful dad.
He has admitted that he never really dealt with my health diagnosis, tried to be upbeat glass half full etc.
But now he is kind of seeing how much i have been struggling.
he has promised to stop being like he is with me but it all starts up again soon after.
I know its my fault, i never said it would be easy.
He has admitted that he has beem trying to punish me.
I broke his heart, broke our trust

cheapskatemum Tue 16-Jun-15 18:08:58

It sounds as if you have had some counselling and you say he is about to get some. If his response to it is positive, I would suggest you then go for relationship counselling together.

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 18:11:24

He is desparate to go. We cant afford to pay privately.
My counsellor did suggest that we went separatly, see how we go, then attend couples counselling

AnyFucker Tue 16-Jun-15 18:15:47

whatever you did, you don't deserve to be punished forever

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Jun-15 18:20:45

In much the same way as you retreated to a bubble, your has created a bubble wherein he is acting out his childhood insecurities and it's probable that, with the aid of therapeutic counselling, he will to come to hate what he is doing as much as you hate what you did.

However, that is a longer term prognosis and, as his negative attitudes towards you have become entrenched, you will both benefit from a period of separation which will enable each of you to process your behaviour independently of each other with a view to establishing if your marriage is worth saving.

I appreciate that money may be tight, but could the family budget run to renting a room which could be used by either of you while the other cares for the dc/the home so that you can have minimal contact with each other but are able to provide continuity of care for the dc?

Of course you may have already decided that you are not prepared to invest any more time in your marriage, in which case you're best advised to consult a solicitor in order to determine where you stand financially if you proceed to divorce.

Your current situation cannot be allowed to continue because of the adverse impact it is undoubtedly having on your dc.

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 18:24:00

Thank you for that.
I know what i did was v v wrong. I have v low self esteem and im trying to work on this.
Its hard when I feel that I deserve everything I get. I know Ive hurt him.
I want it to work, i really do

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Jun-15 19:41:58

For some reason I feel far more optimistic about the future of your marriage than I do about many others on this board.

Your h can't stop what he's doing any more than you could when you reached for a bottle and retreated into your bubble of denial, but neither of you has caused as such as circumstances have served to create situations which have triggered long held and deep seated insecurities,

This is an opportunity to lance the boils which have been festering for many years with a view to either starting over or parting with renewed respect and understanding of each other.

What you did may have been v v wrong, but no-one died or was physically injured as a consequence of your actions.

Unfortunately, your h's present behaviour is such that it may lead to violence on his part which is an additional reason why you should take steps to safeguard each other from the consequences of any such act.

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 21:20:27

Thank you Goddess.
I suppose it makes sense about how he is trapped in his own little bubble atm too.
It really means a lot for you to say that you think we stand a chance. I didnt want to be deluded!
Neither of us has spoken to anyone else about it apart from drs etc.
To have an outsiders look on it helps.
We both know we want to stay together. Obv a secure family unit is v important to him as he never wants his own DC to have a tiny bit of what he experienced as a child. Me also of course.
But only a healthy family unit.
We just really need help.
He has been waiting so long for his appointment. I was seen much sooner, luck maybe or maybe because of my other health conditions. I found it v helpful.
But maybe the wait has been beneficial for him.
A few months ago he couldnt see that his past could have an influence on him now as an adult. It became clearer to me with my counselling that it does. Only now is he realising that, so that can be talked through now when he gets chance. I dont think he would have been open to that prev

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 21:40:15

He has also told me to stop apologising to him for what I have done. See i have always had a say sorry too much problem. Prob linked to self esteem issues.
But I am sorry. So sorry.
He says it kinda gives him the go ahead to feel like a victim rather than the survivor he wants to be.
I want to do this and encourage him and be able to trust he wont start the nasty behaviour again (if he truly wants to this is all him ive not put any words into his mouth)
But I am sorry. I dont want him to think ive wormed my way out of what ive done.

BoxOfKittens Tue 16-Jun-15 22:21:07

As someone who has been lied to or cheated on in any way, if you both wish to continue the relationship unfortunately you have to be able to put any hurt caused by the deceit in a box. Discuss it as much as needed, say what you need to say, then you have to put it to one side in order to move forward positively. Accept their apology as best you can and don't punish them for it. He is punishing you.

Would it be possible to take a few steps back and set aside some time.. A Saturday evening, for example, where you both say what you need to say. Explain what you wish to, ask eachother questions. Discuss fears, your illness and what part that played. Exhaust the subject and agree to draw a line in the sand from that point onwards. No more making you feel bad or it isn't going to work.

If he has trouble trusting your online activity, maybe extend an olive branch by sharing passwords if he wishes.

This is what my partner and I did after I discovered that he'd been talking to an ex inappropriately. I never thought that I could move on from something like that, but one year later we truly have and are happier than ever as we covered a lot of ground during our chat.

I've not brought it up once since our designated chat which hasn't always been easy but it lessens over time. It sounds like you've really taken action to rectify your behaviour. You say that your husband agreed to stand by you but he isn't taking the necessary action to back up this sentiment. Maybe he can't see past it , in which case he should say so rather than being abusive toward you .

Sorry that you are dealing with an illness too. Have you joined any support groups for this? Sometimes the best advice and information comes from others in the same situation, as a supplement to the care you receive from your doctor smile

BoxOfKittens Tue 16-Jun-15 22:24:11

Oh, and make sure he understands that stress and upset makes any symptoms of an illness worse. Hence this must be sorted out!

littletwinkletoesx Tue 16-Jun-15 22:47:14

Oh my condition has got worse because of this. Without a doubt.
This hurts him.
We have done the 1 night thing were everything comes out. Weve done it too manytimes
We cant get past it. Well he cant, but were a team. So it holds us both back.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Jun-15 22:57:40

But I am sorry. I dont want him to think ive wormed my way out of what ive done.

Accepting and excusing abusive behaviour from him is not the way to do that.

littletwinkletoesx Wed 17-Jun-15 00:08:55

Thank you AF.
See ive struggled with separating what i deserve, whats normal in situations like this and when its time to put a stop to it.

DorisDazzler Wed 17-Jun-15 17:00:27

You say this online affair happened just last year. Infidelity is a trauma and is similar to a bereavement.The symptoms are very similar, trouble sleeping , irrational anger ,severe depression, mood swings ect. My understanding is that recovering from an affair can take several years and that the extreme anger is incredibly difficult to deal with. For people who have suffered rejections in childhood it can bring it all back.

It's not a case of being punished or getting what you deserve. Your husband is traumatised and you need to help himt. You should obviously not accept abuse from him , but you should recognize the anger is an unhealthy way of expressing his hurt. How do you respond when he is upset ?

I appreciate you cannot afford counselling at the moment. There are many websites and cheap books that explain what a spouse needs from you to be able to recover.

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