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Tired of my DM's moods!(10 Posts)
I don't know where else to post this, I suppose it's a relationship issue so ill post in here. My DM has always been a very moody personal, she cannot handle stress or anything not going her way and she just doesn't seem to understand that this happens to everyone and you have to just suck it up. She's also intolerant of criticism and anyone disagreeing with her.
She has always been like this. She will never explicitly state that something is bothering her, instead she will be sullen and will curtly answer questions with one word answers. She'll huff and puff and sigh loudly or slam cupboard doors. Instead of saying "oh I've had a shit day today, this that and this happened" we are expected to just know whats wrong and put up with the sulk until she's decided to get over it. If you ask what's wrong you get told that it's nothing. Her moods change like the wind, happy joking and smiling one minute, face like a slapped arse and the silent treatment the next.
As a child I was always treading on eggshells wondering what mood she'd from one moment to the next, it used to upset me but now it infuriates me. She can literally walk into a room and ruin the atmosphere if she's in a mood. Honestly what gives her the right to behave like this? A few months ago she went out with me and my Auntie (her sister) for a meal and she suddenly went quiet and basically ignored us for the whole evening, only getting one word answers. No arguments nothing, but for some reason her mood suddenly changed for what seems like no apparent reason. It was beyond rude.
Obviously I'm making her out to be an ogre and she's not, but I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour in a child so I don't see why I should in a 60 year old woman?
Honestly what gives her the right to behave like this?
Well, we all have the right to behave how we want (excluding violence and such like, of course). But we also have to then accept the consequences - in your mum's case, that nobody likes spending time with her.
And no, you don't have to tolerate it. You're not bound by law to have a relationship with your mother if you get nothing out of it.
She's a classic passive aggressive. Passive aggressives are attention seekers. There's nothing wrong with wanting attention but she needs to learn to say, "I'm feeling a bit down, can we have a talk?" or "There's something upsetting me, can I discuss it with you?" rather than being so rude and selfish.
You're right, you wouldn't tolerate it in a child, so don't tolerate it from her. Tell her if she's going to ruin the mood, she can leave the room or you will. Tell her you're always there if she's upset about something, but you will not run around after her as if she were five years old so she can have the satisfaction of stringing you along. She's after attention, don't give it.
My late father could be very aggressive, passive and otherwise. There was less I could really do when he had his fists up, but when he was skulking around, sulking and refusing to speak like a baby, I simply ignored him. My siblings and I kept our conversation pleasant and chatty and acted as if he wasn't there. If he made it truly impossible for us, we just left the room and went somewhere else. If he refused to speak or eat at mealtimes, we just cleared it away without comment. He soon got bored and just started acting normally, or actually talked to us about what was upsetting him.
Oh god, I can only imagine the reaction if I told her to leave the room if she doesn't snap out of it. It would be the sulk to end all sulks I'm sure, like I said even the smallest amount lf criticism sets her off. I know her relationship with her own DM was difficult and so I try and make allowances because I know that we parent by example, but it's just so infuriating.
My current strategy is to just totally ignore her moods and just carry on as normal, but it's hard when you've got her sat there with a face like a very badly slapped arse.
As I've got older I've learned to say to my mum 'I'm leaving, you're obviously in a mood I can't snap you out of, ring me when you want to talk' then I'll leave her to it.
Do you live with her? I agree with everyone else. This is her problem, try not to make it yours. I would say something each time and then go away, but you don't have to, you could just go away. Make some excuse and get into another room and let her stay in her infected room. If she ever asks why you go away, or comments that there must be something wrong with you, say that no there isn't, you just don't like being around her when she's in that mood and you think she would obviously prefer to be alone. Don't pussyfoot tho. That's the worst thing to do.
OP, are you me? My mother only seems to be getting worse you see the rage (and subsequent huffing) building but nothing is said until she blows her top. Do our M's quotes match?
- "who moved [object/thing]...?" / "why is this not where I left it?"
- "nobody helps me"
- "I do everything around here"
"say that no there isn't, you just don't like being around her when she's in that mood and you think she would obviously prefer to be alone." Krakatoa would erupt if I said anything like this; geysers of "selfish", "ungrateful", "spoilt", etc., would come gushing out in pyroclastic flows and my poor dad would be in the middle again and I would never want to make him feel like he has to choose.
Unfortunately I'm living at home to save money (paying M&D rent), so I don't feel like I can talk to her about this because she takes it as a character assassination and reacts accordingly (and I don't want to come across as ungrateful).
I have tried once or twice and got tears and stomping around. The last time was because I said the bread was hard (French stick which had been bought that morning, and it was around 8pm), so I'd have rice cakes, and she started the huffing with "I can't do anything right for you can I?!", and when I, stunned, asked "are you upset about the bread?" she yelled me to go away because I made her so angry.
Sorry not wanting to hijack but if anyone has a magic formula to fix this behaviour I'd love to know what it is! OP I can completely sympathise with you.
I have been suffering from anxiety and low level depression and have been having CBT. One of my most hated behaviours in myself is mood cycling where my moods change really rapidly. My mum and gran do this too so I think it's either learned or genetic - or a bit of both.
The psychologist I am seeing has explained that this is often because of negative internal dialogue and did quite a powerful exercise where she demonstrated this. Your mum (like mine and like me while I am depressed ) is probably giving herself an internal kicking, feeling bad and then taking it out on others. It's horrible but she is probably doing it unconsciously - it took me a while to realise I was doing it too! Only you know if she has any insight into her behaviour or willingness to make changes.
My mother used to do this. I think you become too tuned in to it, as you know your mother too well and react to it, as you did when you were a child. I'm not sure what the answer is either, other than to step back a bit. There are some good suggestions.
My mother did not acknowledge this as she saw herself as an extrovert who did not bottle up her feelings
The worst times were when someone had been 'rude' to her. She never did anything at the time and would humph about it for ages after.
My sister used to tell her to shut up and not be so stupid. Would have been shot if I had said this.
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