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how do i help her feel beautiful?

(64 Posts)
justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 16:30:24

i have have been trying to decide which topic i should post this. as i a seeking the advice of mums and relationships i guessed this is the right place place. sorry if i got it wrong.

anyway, where to begin?

we have been together for 7 years and have 2 children. i love them more than anything. the problem is she has never felt attractive no matter what i say or do, and since the birth of our lastest child this has gotten worse. i can see it in here eyes. just to make this a bit more complicated, i suffer from serveral mental illnesses, one of the being an inability to feel any real emtion towards anything/anyone. i am seeking help for this but it is a long process. ontop of that i also have the problem of not liking being touched. holding hands for a few minutes is ok but much more and i start to get irritated. the only time it isnt a issue was sunggle times (typical man right). another part of the problem is i often retreat to my pc when my issues get really badwhich can mean hours or even days of me doing nothing but sleeping and playing games. i know this isnt right but i am trying my best to change my ways. iit is just taking time.

anyway back to my point. how do i help her to see that she is (to me anyway) the most beautiful and wounderful woman in the world? she is so amazing. she has stood by me throught thick and thin. taken all the rubbish that has been thrown at her in her stride. she is always putting herself down. saying she is fat and not very attractive. to me it just cant understand why she would think that.

sorry if this makes no sense.

Vivacia Tue 16-Jun-15 16:37:31

You seem to be dealing with more than one issue here. Wanting to reassure her that you love her. Your poor mental health. The way you communicate with her. Your love for your children. How she feels about herself. Your sex life (is this what you meant by "snuggle time"??).

how do i help her to see that she is (to me anyway) the most beautiful and wounderful woman in the world?

Have you told her this?

she is so amazing. she has stood by me throught thick and thin.

What else do you admire about her, but not in terms of you?

Offred Tue 16-Jun-15 16:40:17

You can't help her just as she can't help you. Relationships where there is mental illness involved are very tricky and I would say if you both have issues it is not very optimistic. You both need to focus on how you each deal with your individual problems and think about whether you each would be better apart while doing this or generally I think. You acknowledge your issues and seems as if you are now taking some steps to deal with them, does she see her low self esteem as an issue?

cunchofbunts Tue 16-Jun-15 16:42:04

I think it's going to be very difficult to make her see these things whilst you yourself have so many issues to deal with.

Physical touch, a cuddle can go a long way to making someone feel attractive and loved and actions do often speak louder than words. Though your problems may not be because of her, I don't doubt that they do not help.

Also not spending quality time with your partner is also not going help.

If I was your partner, I think I would start to feel these things to with an absent partner who doesn't want to touch me unless it's for the obvious.

justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 16:42:40

how do i help her to see that she is (to me anyway) the most beautiful and wounderful woman in the world?

Have you told her this?

in every way possible. notes, to her face, small comments and long coverstions.

she is so amazing. she has stood by me throught thick and thin.

What else do you admire about her, but not in terms of you?

she has rasied 2 woundeful children. she had the first before we meet. was was 18 at the time. she just got on with it without complaint. she sees the best of everyone even the worst people.

and yes snuggle time = sex life

Oldisthenewblack Tue 16-Jun-15 16:45:38

How do the two of you communicate with each other? Do you talk, have conversations?

You say she's never felt attractive no matter what you say or do. What HAVE you said and done to let her know she's attractive to you?

Offred Tue 16-Jun-15 16:51:27

I think probably your issues with touch, sex and affection won't be helping her self esteem nor will the fact her main value to you seems to be as a carer. Was she always this way?

cunchofbunts Tue 16-Jun-15 16:52:50

Yes, your love of her does seem to be totally tied up in what she does for you as opposed to who she is.

justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 16:53:51

i do try to put my arms round her everyday. she says she has had low self esteem for as long as she can remember. she says she is used to it.

You say she's never felt attractive no matter what you say or do. What HAVE you said and done to let her know she's attractive to you?

there are far to many to list her but believe me they are not your run of the mill "you look nice today" i try to target a specific thing and comment. such as when you got new dress recently. she had wanted it for the some time. commented how it showed off her beatiful curves. how the has an ability to understand things i cant.

also everytime she gets out the bath i make sure she catches my having a sneak peak at her

justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 16:55:39

I think probably your issues with touch, sex and affection won't be helping her self esteem nor will the fact her main value to you seems to be as a carer. Was she always this way?

no it isnt but now you point it out it seems like maybe this last 12 months this may have started

Branleuse Tue 16-Jun-15 16:59:39

i think no matter what you say, if you dont like touching her unless its about sex, dont show emotions, and spend all your time playing computer games or sleeping, then tbh, youre lucky she hasnt already fucked off, but as it is, shes still there, with shattered self esteem and thinking she is the problem and feeling like an ugly piece of crap (that she isnt)

Actions speak louder than words, and im not surprised she is feeling so low with that sort of relationship, poor woman

Oldisthenewblack Tue 16-Jun-15 17:02:50

If she's had low self esteem all her life, it's going to be difficult, and something she needs to work on herself. It's not something you can fix. Of course, you can do your best, and complimenting her is a positive step.

justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 17:11:06

i think no matter what you say, if you dont like touching her unless its about sex, dont show emotions, and spend all your time playing computer games or sleeping, then tbh, youre lucky she hasnt already fucked off, but as it is, shes still there, with shattered self esteem and thinking she is the problem and feeling like an ugly piece of crap (that she isnt)

Actions speak louder than words, and im not surprised she is feeling so low with that sort of relationship, poor woman

i will no disagree with you. but she says herself that since i have been reciving help i have improved in that i dont spend quite as much time on the computer. i try to help more around the house, thought me and the washing machine never seem to see eye to eye.

Vivacia Tue 16-Jun-15 17:14:26

she says she has had low self esteem for as long as she can remember. she says she is used to it. Her self esteem is not your responsibility. Has she had counselling? Would you consider couples counselling?

also everytime she gets out the bath i make sure she catches my having a sneak peak at her hmm that's not a good idea.

Vivacia Tue 16-Jun-15 17:16:08

i try to help more around the house

Seeing it as "help" implies that you are assisting her. You are not; doing housework is a normal part of adult life and being a parent.

Cancookdontcook Tue 16-Jun-15 17:16:10

The main issue surely is the fact you play games for hours/days on end and you don't like touch. Her self-esteem must suffer from you not enjoying holding her hand or cuddling. Sorry if I don't sound sympathetic but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. No wonder she is sad.

justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 17:16:58

she says she has had low self esteem for as long as she can remember. she says she is used to it. Her self esteem is not your responsibility. Has she had counselling? Would you consider couples counselling? i believe she would be open to both.

also everytime she gets out the bath i make sure she catches my having a sneak peak at her hmm that's not a good idea.

oh. sorry to sound dumb but why? i thought she would like the idea that i still find her attractive

FolkGirl Tue 16-Jun-15 17:21:12

Don't make sure she catches you 'sneaking a peak' when she gets out of the bath.

To someone who feels fat and unattractive, and when the only physical interest you show is for sex, this might have the opposite effect. It's not respectful or cherishing. If it were me (and I do have chronic self esteem and feel fat and unattractive) it would make me feel really uncomfortable. It comes across as a bit sleazy and disrespectful.

What do you mean you 'help' round th house? Do you not see taking care of the house you live and your children in as half your responsibility anyway? Especially if you do little more than sleep and play video games.

FolkGirl Tue 16-Jun-15 17:23:54

Oh and she owns her body. It's not for you to stare at when she's just living her lide and naked and vulnerable. Especially if you shoe no physical interest in her unless you want a shag.

Tbh, the mere thought of it makes me feel really tense and uncomfortable and it's not about me!

Vivacia Tue 16-Jun-15 17:24:05

oh. sorry to sound dumb but why? i thought she would like the idea that i still find her attractive

It's sleazy and disrespectful. You say she doesn't have body confidence, so why would you do it??

FolkGirl Tue 16-Jun-15 17:24:30

*life
*show

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise Tue 16-Jun-15 17:26:25

It's not a good idea because you only touch her when you want sex, then you watch her like some sort of sex pest when she's trying to relax in the bath. Sorry to sound harsh but really, I don't know how else to put it. I actually feel quite angry on her behalf that you do this. It doesn't show that you love and respect her, it actually shows very little respect.

justchillman Tue 16-Jun-15 17:26:35

To someone who feels fat and unattractive, and when the only physical interest you show is for sex, this might have the opposite effect. It's not respectful or cherishing. If it were me (and I do have chronic self esteem and feel fat and unattractive) it would make me feel really uncomfortable. It comes across as a bit sleazy and disrespectful.

it was never meant it to come across that way. i thought it might help but i can see where i am wrong here.

What do you mean you 'help' round th house? Do you not see taking care of the house you live and your children in as half your responsibility anyway? Especially if you do little more than sleep and play video games.

that was a poor choice of words on my behalf i do consider it to he a 50/50 split. just every now and then she tells me to leaver her too it.

one last thing i need to clear up. I dont like being touched but i have no problems with touching her. as in cuddles and kisses etc

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise Tue 16-Jun-15 17:29:02

Does the touching always have to be on your terms? I can see why that wouldn't help with her self esteem issues if she feels like you can touch her whenever you want but it doesn't work the other way around.

Also, get off the computer. Seriously.

Cancookdontcook Tue 16-Jun-15 17:30:11

In your op, you say you can't feeling emotion towards anyone/anything. How can you sustain a meaningful relationship with your partner and your children if that is the case? This is fundamentally why you have problems, surely.

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