37, want a family, man I met online

[heybabycakesw]

I've been online dating for a few months.

I've recently met someone who I think is lovely - he ticks all the boxes and we've met many times over the last few weeks. He's come out of a long term relationship earlier this year (as have I), and weirdly, I feel like that was another life, compared to how I feel when I'm with this man. He has assured me that he is 100% ready to move on as well (this was discussed right at the start).

I've never clicked with anyone in this way before, and I feel like a teenager again.

However, he has a busy life and often can't speak due to his work, but is always polite about it and respectful. We have discussed kids etc (in a lighthearted do you want them kind of way), and he says he wants them but doesn't know when exactly. The problem is, I'm nearly 37 and I really want a family. I am NOT seeing this man because of that pure reason - I genuinely feel a strong connection with him.

But what I am trying to ask is that, at this stage in your life when you want kids and you've met someone you feel passionately about, how do you approach this topic and should I just be being blunt about this? I'm not saying I want them right this second, but I want to know that I'm not wasting my time with this man. Obviously, if I were ten years younger, I would wait and see how it pans out, but I don't have that luxury here. I want to have kids with the right person, and I don't want to ruin things between us by being intense... I know if I mention it again he will just say 'at some point.' There won't e a definite answer and I can kind of appreciate that say we've only known one another a few months.

Anyone been in this situation before?

[ivykaty44]

If you ask the question, what do you want his answer to be?

For example do you want him to say, I want dc on one years time, or in three years time

Until you know what answer is acceptable to you then you can broach the subject.

I wouldn't ask the question either, I would let him know what you envisage happening and then letting him know that is what you would like and would that be what he would want

[SophieHatters]

It's very difficult, in fact, there is no way to know truly what a person is like without a lot more time than you have got.

I was 37 and really wanted another baby, but the thing is, you are then rushing into a relationship and in hindsight I wish I hadn't.

There is absolutely no way I would be looking at having a baby with someone I'd only just met. The less you know him, the more good qualities you can project onto him, ie you can't rule them out yet so presume he has them - in fact that's kind of like digging underneath every tree because it might just have a pot of gold under it. Because you don't know for sure that it doesn't.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but take it from someone who has done this and ended up single with a baby. Take your time, get to know him, you could still possibly have a baby when you are 40 or beyond.

Having one sooner without knowing its father properly is asking for trouble x

[RoganJosh]

How long have you been seeing him and how often do you see him?

[heybabycakesw]

Thank you all!!

I've been seeing him for 5 months and we spend 3 nights a week together and most weekends.

I know what you are saying but how does someone at 37 have the family they wan if they wait... I feel so down about it and like my time has passed.

[QuiteLikely5]

If this relationship was as good as you say the conversation would have happened by now or it would be easy to have.

I don't think you have anything to lose by having it though. What's the worst that can happen?

[heybabycakesw]

I think he will just say he does want them in time.

He's quite a cautious person and I understand that and appreciate it. But he's 38 now too and part of me wonders if he will ever be ready...

Last time I mentioned it he said definitely one day but he wouldn't want to rush it...

[ChilliAndMint]

I would make sure he is really available OP. The part you mentioned about not being able to speak to him often due to his work....
Do a bit of surreptitious snooping first; I have talked about this before re OL dating.

[heybabycakesw]

chilli what do you mean?

He is busy due to work and I am almost 100 percent sure that nothing untoward is going on (though you can never be certain, I know).

[SophieHatters]

Oh so it's not quite as recent as I thought - 5 months is quite a long time. You're seeing him a lot too. These are good signs.

I think though I am a bit worried about the 'he often can't speak due to his work' thing. Can you expand on that a little?

[RoganJosh]

I think I'd feel ok asking a bit more if you've been seeing him that long.

[SophieHatters]

x posts! I think it's just, well, he might not want a commitment if he is unable to speak to you very much due to work.

It depends on his tone, his reasons, his attitude in general...all stuff you can't really know as yet, and don't dare to ask.

You have to know someone a lot better than this before committing to having a child with them. I think you know this but on another level you're panicking which I totally get.

Are you also concerned that if he isn't up for it, you might be wasting even more time here on a relationship with someone who won't have children with you ever?

[ChilliAndMint]

Sorry, I posted before reading the bit about you spending 3 nights a week together..
I have met men from OL dating sites who did turn out to be married; I can often spot a pattern in the times they text or call.
I think you should have the talk about starting a family. At 37 you don't have a lot of fertile years ahead of you. That said, you hardly know the man and a lot could happen in the next few months.

[niceupthedance]

Have you asked him why he hasn't had children before now? His answer might give you more to go on, eg not in the right place career-wise or 'never really thought about it' etc.

[0x530x610x750x630x79]

Could you have it alone, then he isn't the father and if he turns into an arse you can dump him.

[Twinklestein]

When you say he can't speak 'due to his work' do you mean that he can't speak when he's at work, or does this include out of working hours too?

He doesn't sound 100% committed, and yes there's always the possibility that he's got another relationship somewhere.

My parents met and got married within a year. 5 months at your age is perfectly long enough to discuss children, particularly at your age.

If he's not up for it you need to move on, so you need to know.

From the detail you give here, he's in no hurry, nor does he have any need to be at 38.

[Vivacia]

I think you're asking him a very unfair question.

[ChilliAndMint]

I don't think it is unfair to ask the question, OP is nearly 37 and needs to know if there is any possibility of them having a child together in the not too distant future.

[Vivacia]

That's not the questions she's asking him. She's already asked him, "do you see yourself having kids?" and he said, "yes, in the future". She wants to ask him, "will you have kids with me, your girlfriend of five months, very soon? Can you guarantee me that I'm not wasting my time going out with you?". What's he supposed to say?

[BeenWondering]

Talk of children at 5-months in could make any man or equally woman run in the opposite direction at any age - Comes down to own wants and desires.

I think you need to be upfront about it. You clearly feel the clock ticking so don't sit on your hands waiting for him to broach the subject. There was a thread not too long ago about a woman whose partner kept saying he wanted children 'one-day' or 'eventually.' She grew to resent him as he was actually just trying to keep things running smoothly with no real intention of having any children with her (he had other dc from previous relationship).

Does your current dp have any children?

In short, don't be led down the garden path. Be upfront about your desire for children and if he gives you vague responses then unfortunately he's not the one for you. If it's something you want then you should express it. Having said that, it's a fine balance because you've only been together for 5 months so even if you currently have a good thing, you don't want him to think that you see him as a sperm-doner in waiting.

[needadvice321]

I think you just need to be very direct about it. Either he wants kids in next year or two or he's not the right person for you. Better find that out now than waste time wondering. I told my now DH on second date it was marriage and kids or nothing, didn't scare him off because he was at same stage.

[shovetheholly]

3 nights a week and every weekend together sounds NORMAL for the first 5 months of dating to me - even a bit intense for lots of couples I know who started out much more slowly than this! Not a sign of an affair at all!

Also, not being able to speak due to work is totally normal for lots of people. Surgeons can't just answer the phone in the middle of an op, GPs can't just check out on patients. Teachers can't speak in the middle of a class. Managers and bosses can't just leave a meeting every two minutes. Firemen, policemen, paramedics, anyone in the middle of something that requires focus or involves danger!

OP, to answer your question: I personally (being me) would just come out with it. I'd start by saying what a great time I was having, how much I was enjoying the relationship. I'd do a preamble which stated that I knew this was very early days and that I was worried about appearing too intense or overcommitted in asking a very personal question, but that I kind of really needed an answer. I'd basically verbalize all those anxieties that you have about this being too soon to mention it. But then I'd just very simply say that I wanted a family, that fertility really becomes an issue quite quickly on the swoop towards 40 for many women, and that I didn't want to spend a lot of time on a relationship that wasn't going to go in that direction in a year or two.

I'd say that I didn't need an answer right away, and I didn't expect to start trying for kids right away either! But that I did need some decision in the next few weeks and that he should take some time just to think about it for a while because obviously it's a big decision.

[Inexperiencedchick]

I'm 37 and really wanted to settle down. But the answer I was getting wasn't clear enough for me to commit and I didn't.

I came to a conclusion that if a man doesn't know exactly what he wants I'm not interested. Don't want headache for myself, better I be alone and keep the door open for the right one...

[LaurieFairyCake]

If you want a child a lot you're right, youre almost missing your window.

Do you want one that much you'd consider sperm donor?

I don't think there's a lot of hanging about time at your age, but be prepared you might lose this bloke if he's not ready.

[juneau]

Personally, I wouldn't even consider having a baby with someone I'd known for less than a year. Five months is still really early days, but I understand that your clock is ticking and you don't want to waste time in a relationship that will ultimately go nowhere. Its a really tricky subject to raise, but I think you have to have the conversation - the one that goes something like: 'I really like you and I know we haven't been together long, but I really want to have children and I need to know if you would be up for doing that with me within the next couple of years'. Because if he says 'Next couple of years? Um no, that's too soon for me', then you have your answer.

[SquigglyLine]

I think that you have to be very blunt and say it straight out. 'I'm 37, I want to have kids, and I want to have them with the right person. I think you're the right person. I think we're right together. If you think we are too, then I'd like to start trying for kids by the end of the year (or whatever). I don't mean to put pressure on you, and I'd rather not have this pressure on me either, but biological facts are facts. I can't just give it a couple of years and see how things pan out. How do you feel about all that?'

There's a strong likelihood that he will break things off with you soon afterwards. Or reach your deadline and stall for a while, forcing you to break things off with him if you don't like that.

So it's up to you, and how much kids matter to you, really, because the truth is, you haven't got a year or two to play with, because if he ducks out then, you will be 39 and in an even more difficult situation.

The risk is that you cause the end of what could have been a great relationship. But my gut feeling is that after 5 months, if this breaks you up then it's because he either doesn't want kids, doesn't want them with you or doesn't want you in the long-term. And it would be better for you to know that now, than a couple of years down the line.

Good luck OP.