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Please tell me I can survive a divorce! Can't take this anymore.

(34 Posts)
onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 10:38:03

Things have been bad for a while now but I think this time we're at the point of no return. DH won't even talk to me anymore, says he's fed-up. He's constantly moody and irritated with me. Any pathetic attempt from me to start a conversation is met with a sigh, eye rolling and a one-sentence answer. The other day when I was having breakfast he started throwing me irritated and disgusted looks and when I asked him what was wrong he said "you eat quite a lot." (I was having my usual breakfast consisting of two pieces of toast, I don't think it's excessive?) He's been going on about my weight for a while now. I'm not slim by any means and I've gone up a dress size since having kids but by no means obese either (size 14, 5 f 6), and he is more overweight than me.

I just feel sick to my stomach. He walks around and finds faults in everything. He let me sort out everything for DC's birthday party the other day, then walked around complaining about everything and moaned when I asked him to do ONE thing (do the music for musical statues). The day before DC's birthday he still hadn't bought her anything despite me reminding him several times and when I said we should get anything he just said "is she expecting anything?" WTF! (He got her something in the end).

He does have some positive sides, for example he's reliable, good with money and would never cheat. Since we've met he has always paid more than me in terms of bills etc (he earns more though). And a major reason why I haven't left already, apart from ruining the children's lives obviously, is that I wouldn't have enough money to live on. I honestly don't know what to do. Our DC1 would be devastated (DC2 is only 1 but obviously it would impact him too). But the thought of this being my life fills me with despair.

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 11:14:04

Anyone?

TheDeafeningClatterofDuplo Tue 16-Jun-15 11:19:51

Doesn't sound like a lot of fun...

How long has this been going on and do you think there's been anything (or a sequence of things) that have brought you here?

Do you have friends or do things together and is he different then?

What was it like in the 'old days'?

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 11:33:25

TheDeafening, we don't really do much together as we're both so knackered from working (both full time) and studying (me) and two young children. When we do meet up with friends he shows a whole different side though (I guess we all do to some extent?) and he's no longer moody or quiet. I tried to talk to him last night about why he's avoiding me and seem angry with me all the time, he basically said it's shit between us, always has been and nothing's going to change (he wouldn't elaborate though).

I've tried to have a discussion with him several times and he just stares at his iPad and refuses to engage with me. This morning he got annoyed with me as there was very little milk left in the fridge, despite him not even using milk. He'll use any excuse to criticise me, and it's easy because I do all the housework and shopping so unless everything is perfect it's my fault.

I don't want my children to grow up thinking this is what relationships look like. At the same time, if I leave I can't see how I could afford to live in anything bigger than a studio flat (at best) and the children would be so confused. How do other people do it??

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 16-Jun-15 11:35:39

It sounds like you're in the thick of a rough patch. Divorce is an option but brings a whole new set if issues with it.

When the DC are really little, like your youngest at 1, life dan be a bit mundane. Going out for a meal or evening out is either a faff with tired children in tow or a big event involving organising babysitters no doubt tidying the house etc etc.

I also think the adjustment shift to being a parent takes quite a few years. As a big generalisation I observe that the less hands on parent, usually Dad, just doesn't appreciate the level of little endless tasks that need doing with young DC and how all absorbing and frankly mindless this can be. I think as children become clearer communicators at 4/5 the less hands on parent is able to interact more and get more back from the relationship.

I think its quite easy to find life quite depressing and restricted with children at that young age. I did divorce when my DC were 3 and 1. We had a very cold winter, forced to sell house, no benefits due to a cock up and had to borrow money for every bit of food, bill that came in. XH shacked up with OW and berated me for not having several winter coats for the DC when he missplaced the ones I'd sent with them, critisised me constantly for all sorts of things including my appearence. It was worse durring divorce than before. It wasn't an option as he was in love with OW. It took years to create stability for the childen.

Rather than what you don't want why not focus on what you do want from your life?

Do you want more nights out, to join a gym, to have more time to yourself, a better division of house chores, more holidays, less responsibility for all things child related? Once you've fathomed the sort of life you'd like have a think if actually its achievable within the set up you've got.

Look at your DH's strengths - money, faithfullness, stability. Sounds like quite a good set to me.

Crap at organising DC's birthday presents, well in a year or two they'll be writing a list he can work from so that'll cease to be an issue.

Crap at birthday parties - well if he's earning a fair bit and hates the party why not ask if he'd rather pay for parties out and you do the minimal supervising involved. He can just enjoy cake at the end or even at home with just family.

The little snippy remarks need work but you may find if you're finding more outside activities to do yourself that you are able to positively tackle these too. There are constructive ways to handle moaners and moaning is a trap that we can all no doubt fall into are you sure its all onesided?

Long and short - stop take a really good look at things, divorce is a big step for when all other options have been explored.

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 11:44:59

MisForMum, what I want from life is really just to have a decent relationship with DH with some mutual respect. But I worry that it's gone too far for that. He did say last night that we have nothing in common (and I almost have to agree). We had DC1 quite early on in the relationship and we're both painfully aware that we would never be together if it wasn't for that. sad

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 16-Jun-15 11:51:12

But a relationship isn't life. Its one element of it.

Travel, career, family, hobbies, interests - what about those things?

boxcutter Tue 16-Jun-15 11:53:50

It does sound like a very painful relationship and while having young kids around is tough on both parents, that isn't an excuse for consistently treating your partner with disrespect. It is not OK for your husband to take out so much frustration on you.

You might want to read "The Relate guide to starting again"--you can get it off Amazon for Kindle or in hardcopy. It's not just about "soooooo, you're getting a divorce, here's how to start your new life," but starts off looking at sources of conflict in relationships and if you can change those patterns without splitting up. So it can be quite a useful read even if you don't split up but decide you want to work on things, while giving you lots of perspective on what impact divorce might have.

Good luck, this sounds really hard.

Mintyy Tue 16-Jun-15 11:57:38

You will be able to manage financially if you get divorced, and I agree that it is not good for your children to grow up in a household where one parent so obviously hates the other.

Ask him if he'd like to separate and see what he says.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Jun-15 11:58:16

How long has it been since he first manifested his 'fed-upness' and what was your relationship like prior to that time?

What does he do in the evenings/leisure time? Does he closet himself away, spend an excessive amount of time online, guard his phone? Has your sex life taken a dive since the birth of dc2?

Has he had any particular stress such as the death of a dp or extraordinary work pressures which could have led to his apparent dissatisfaction with his life - which, incidentally, is one he chose for himself and it's therefore within his power to improve/change it.

Two possibilities which immediately come to mind are that 1) he's become addicted to internet porn and 2) he is having an affair with an ow and hopes that if he's sufficiently horrible to you, you'll divorce him and he'll be able to blame you for not 'understanding' him or similar. In this latter case, he'll keep the ow under wraps until some months after separation/the ink is dry on a Nisi.

As talking to him is unlikely to produce more than his usual one sentence answer, you could write to him but I suggest you casually mention that, as you're fed up to the back teeth with his discourteous behaviour and constant moodiness, you've made an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the probable division of assets if you decide to petition for divorce.

Watch his reaction carefully to see whether any expression of relief crosses his face and if this gambit doesn't lead to him unburdening himself/apologising for his failings, source a solicitor who specialises in divorce and offers a free initial consultation and ask for the earliest possible appointment to see him/her.

Should divorce become inevitable, your dc1 may be temporiarily upset until she adjusts to the new 'normal' but she'll be nowhere near as adversely impacted as both of your dc will be in the long term if you continue to raise them in the sometimes hostile arid desert that is your marriage.

MrsBennetsEldest Tue 16-Jun-15 12:00:01

Op, you can and will survive divorce should you decide that it's what you want.
It's not easy but it is perfectly achievable. I'd say it's easier with little ones too.
I would make an appt with a solicitor, knowledge is power.
You have a lot of living left to do, be happy.

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 12:01:11

MisForMum I guess you're right. It's just that I feel all those things don't really apply to me as there's neither time nor money for any of them. I work full time, do all the drop offs and pick ups and housework and once I've put the kids to bed at 8 i study. That's it. I don't mind it so much though (for now, things will hopefully change in a year or so), I just don't want this awful atmosphere at home. Thanks for sharing your divorce experience. If that's what I end up doing I have to start researching benefits etc, I keep resisting it though as I don't want to face the fact that things have got so bad.

TheVermiciousKnid Tue 16-Jun-15 12:05:13

Why do you do all the housework etc when you also work full time? That in itself would be enough for me (especially as he then also criticizes you!). He doesn't sound very nice at all. sad

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 12:13:51

Thanks for your answers everyone. He's definitely not having an affair as he's always at home except for when he's at work. Plus he's just not the type. He does have quite a high sex drive and we've had sex on numerous occasions when I've made it clear I don't want to (I know this is bad but I don't want the arguments that inevitably follow plus he's right that I never initiate sex, which I understand he's not happy with). In the last few weeks he hasn't shown any interest though.

OnlyLovers Tue 16-Jun-15 12:20:31

He's foul. Maybe he's not cheating because no one else would have him?

No your breakfast is not excessive (but you know that really) and I bet your attempts at conversation are not 'pathetic'; he's just making you feel like they are.

See a solicitor and they'll talk you through the financial side. You will feel better informed and more confident.

I grew up in a household with one parent constantly scorning/belittling/undermining/sniping at/ignoring/playing mind games with the other. I have no doubt in my mind that we'd all be better and happier people if my parents had split up, and I think your children will be better off without this toxic parental relationship too.

You deserve a great deal more. Strength! thanks

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 16-Jun-15 12:46:46

I'm not trying to be harsh on you about divorce or saying things aren't that bad. Only you know that one. Nor is sticking with the status quo hoping it will somehow change ideal.

But I'm still not happy with your answer. Travel, career, hobbies all apply to you. They apply now.

I am projecting because I took on the traditional mother role (childcare, cleaning, housework, cooking etc), plus I was the wage earner. I lost my own identity through being so busy looking after everyone else I didn't look after myself. That in the medium term didn't help the rest of the family.

We all have boundaries money being a big one, time, energy.

If the desire is there then you can look at ways of reducing the boundaries to fit in a bit of things you'd like to do.

For example why are you doing all the housework? If your DH doesn't want to do his share then it should be outsourced from his income (sounds like your financially not all in one pot).

Is more childcare an option - like day care at a leisure centre or an extra hour at nursery, so you could swim/ do a class after work (should you want to).

If you can get beyond the whats bad to work out what would be good then you can create a game plan to get to that point. You need to get beyond focusing on whats wrong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 16-Jun-15 13:08:47

I was going to say OP he sounds joyless unless in company, don't be bullied out of the home, and don't let him lay all this at your door.

And btw lots of couples don't have much in common, despite what magazines and dating sites say about the need for compatability.

But this that you said later several posts in made me sit up,
we've had sex on numerous occasions when I've made it clear I don't want to

If that by itself made you question this relationship I wouldn't be surprised.

Add all the rest and the writing's on the wall.

boxcutter Tue 16-Jun-15 13:14:56

Yeah, money, faithfulness, and stability may not mean much when you have to pay with sex that is basically forced on you. It sounds as though he simply doesn't have any respect for you (or doesn't treat you with any) and that will kill your self-esteem. I don't think "find a hobby! join a gym!" will necessarily turn that around.

KitZacJak Tue 16-Jun-15 13:22:17

Poor you. It really doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of this. You are working full time, doing all the housework, treading on eggshells in your own home, being put down all the time and occasionally having the pleasure of sex forced on you.

He sounds like a pig. I think you may feel relief to be rid of him. You may not be worse off if you are entitled to benefits and maintenance from him.

If you love him, give him a ultimatum (spelling?) and see if he changes. If not just make plans to divorce him (after finding out about custody, house, maintenance and everything so you are prepared to get the best conditions you can).

Sorry you are going through this but the quicker things are resolved one way or the other the better it will be for your children. If you are happier apart they will benefit from that. You don't want your daughter seeing you treated like rubbish and her thinking that is the norm.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 16-Jun-15 13:22:20

What a drag!

Ask him if he wants to separate and see what he says.

Nothing in common? Neither does me and dh but it's not an issue.

Don't you think it strange how he hasn't wanted sex for a few weeks and that his nastiness towards you has increased?

And regardless of the outlook of your future with him do not let him talk to you like a piece of shit. Stand up for yourself and repeat all nasty comments back to him and ask if he means to be so cruel.

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 13:24:46

Sorry, I haven't disappeared and I'm reading and finding everyone's comments useful, I'm just at work so will be back later.

pocketsaviour Tue 16-Jun-15 14:10:15

So he's a rapey fat hypocritical cunt who's also a shit father.

I would contact CAB and have a look at the EntitledTo website to work out how you'd manage without him. With him paying maintenance on top (and given his attitude to the kids I'm sure he won't be going for 50/50 residence) you could probably manage better and you wouldn't have to put up with this douchebag. Win-win, surely?

onthebrinkofdivorce Tue 16-Jun-15 14:29:07

One thing I'm absolutely sure about is that I don't want an acrimonious split. We're both on the mortgage but he paid the entire deposit with his savings and I would not want to take anything that's not morally mine. And I don't want any of us to be bitter as that would obviously affect the children. Thanks for the link to the website, I will see what benefits I'd be entitled to, if any. I'm just scared that with all the budget cuts I won't get any help. I know there's a hardship grant I could apply for from my university but you have to explain the circumstances on the form and get it signed by your tutor and I just cringe at how humiliating that would be.

yougotafriend Tue 16-Jun-15 15:24:52

My stbxh went through I period of finding fault in everything about me... From my laugh to the way I ate, from my choice of TV programmes to how I breathed.... I would have said at the time "he's definitely not having an affair"... Turns out he was!!

HellKitty Tue 16-Jun-15 15:36:37

Years on and I still remember and hate the way XH would slurp his tea. Still sets me on edge and I haven't physically seen it since 2008!

In your case I would say OW, you're being compared either to her or porn. You say he's highly sexed and spends his time on iPad.

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